Resolutions Under Construction

My stomach is still full from Thanksgiving and I have yet to buy any Christmas gifts for anyone else (so far I’ve made five gift purchases and they are all TO me FROM me).  Since my timeline is all screwed up, I might as well get a jump on my New Year’s Resolutions.

This go round I’m not going to write the typical stuff like eat only two Big Macs from McDonald’s instead of three, or lose weight in my pinky toe, or speak profane language only after 5pm, or stop doing it to people with whom I have no emotional connection, because I can’t be honest with myself or you and say I’m going to stop doing any of these things.  I will however, say I’m going to try my best to do the following:

  1. Eat more stuff… Oh, I guess I should finish. …that makes me feel good (enter McDonald’s Big Macs).
  2. Poop frequently.
  3. Pick fights with shoes and pillows (because I have nothing better to do with my time).
  4. Smell things that look interesting. I’m sure this will get me into a lot of trouble, but will lead to the most interesting stories.
  5. Be less scared of telephones and strangers.
  6. Run outside and randomly yell more.
  7. Fart without shame.
  8. Worry less about things I can’t eat or play with.
  9. Lose weight. Again.
  10. Don’t get caught. Again.
  11. Spend less than $17485975662536.00 at the Dollar Store.
  12. Make better bad decisions.

Don’t worry. There’s plenty more where that came from.

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Hottywood’s 2013 New Years Resolutions

As we catapult ourselves out of 2012 and into 2013, there’s really no point in reviewing the events of months prior to this. The bottom line is that as long as we’re above ground (and perhaps not vampires or zombies – #TheUndead), we’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

I, for one, will admit I’ve had some rough times in 2012 but I’m still standing. Barely but still.

At any rate, in order to make this year better than the last, I’ve done what most people in the country have done (or is doing), and that is comprised a short list of New Year’s Resolutions. Usually people come up with at least ten resolutions, but outside of promising myself to eat more chicken wings with less fattening cooking grease, I’ve put together six of my most reasonable and realistic goals for the coming year.

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I will have peace of mind. The only thing I want to stress about is not getting caught when I outrun the police after they’ve pulled me over for texting and driving a motorcycle while under the influence of a bottle of Scope.

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I will join the fashion police academy so I can legally spray mace on women with visible heavy eye glue on their false eyelashes and girls that insist on buying weaves that don’t match the natural grain or color of their hair.

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I’m going to come up with a better list of fake names to give to aggressive ugly drunk people at bars and nightclubs.

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bathroom office

Just for shits and giggles (no pun intended) I’m going to somehow make “diarrhea” an agenda item at every office staff meeting.

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I will make it a point to orchestrate all of my farts to sound like random big band songs since passing gas, like music, is a universal language.

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I vow before a congregation of witnesses that on the 4th Sunday of the 7th month of this year, I will ask a parishioner to commune me with a 24oz can of beer.

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*If I’ve not fulfilled these resolutions by December 31, 2013, I will add them to my bucket list and pray I don’t get run over by a bus before then.

H A P P Y  N E W  Y E A R

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Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

Well kats and kittens, some of us sat by with a bottle of light or dark liquor in one hand and a little white handkerchief in the other as we said goodbye to the year 2011 and welcomed the new and improved 2012.   Some of us sat in a sanctuary and drew devil horns on the stick people sketched on our bulletins that represented our fellow [church] members that have sinned more than sacrificed.  Whether you were drunk with the fruit of the vine or the yeast that’s used to produce three six packs of beer, most of us were thinking of arguably pleasant ways to flip off insignificant and irrelevant people, places and things.

Like every new year, most of us have made out a list of the dos, don’ts, whats and what nots for 2012.  If you haven’t asked yourself this question yet, here’s your chance:  What am I going do to make this year better than the last? 

Below are Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions.  My advice to you is that you come up with your own set of resolutions unless you want to be sitting where I’m going to be sitting if my ass gets caught not successfully pulling off anything on this list.  Be careful kids, these resolutions are for the expertly trained only.  Don’t try these at home.  Ah, what the hell?  Who listens to me anyway? 

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I will no longer hide all of the toilet paper from the attendees at any private or public function I attend.  This includes but is not limited to restaurants, movie theaters and church.  No matter how funny it may be at the expense of others’ humiliation and discomfort, I will, for 165 days, refrain from this vindictive and comedic way (unless I’m just completely bored and need a good laugh).  

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As tempting as the laugh may be, I will no longer add tobasco sauce to all the bottles of ketchup at the next picnic, cookout, fast food restaurant, or Granny’s Sunday dinner party.  If I haven’t mentioned where I won’t tamper with the condiments, chances are those party goers are screwed.  It’s harder than it sounds to quit anything cold turkey.

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No matter what my facial expression may say, I promise to give every stupid person approximately 15 seconds to realize just how stupid they are before I verbalize it and make them look and feel more stupid than what they are showing me.

 

Stupid is as stupid does. 

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I promise I will spend more time teaching my dog not to be such a bitch! 

Mailmen who show up to my door step without my checks, encyclopedia book salesmen, mother-in-laws, and Jehovah’s witnesses…BEWARE! 

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I will not be one of those people that refuses to speak their mind.  If you’re ugly, I’m going to tell you.  If you stink, I’m going to tell you.  If you deserve to be trampled by a herd of angry cattle, I’m going to tell you and then arrange it. 

Oh, and if you’re talking too much, I will respectfully tell your ass to the shut the f*ck up.  What are friends for? …maybe not that, but who asked you?  Oh yeah, I did.

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I’m going to declare a national “No Pants” day just to see how quickly the fad catches on.  I’m sure there will be a lot of buzz on the holiday circuit.  There’s no doubt on that one day, there will be an influx of salary increases, office promotions, baby conceptions, relationship breakups and sexual harassment charges. 

You all can thank me for this later…or not.  

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Adventure is the name of the game! 

I will make it a point to be more advantageous in the new year.  I just have to remember not to confuse adventure with stupidity. 

Or am I thinking too much already about how to be spontaneously adventurous? 

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I’m going to try not to beat up random people on the street for wearing white after Labor Day. 

I don’t care if that fashion rule has changed over the years, I’m old skool. 

White after Labor Day translates to blood on the pavement. 

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Last but not least, I will never cut another midget’s hair again!  I have many skills, but barbering isn’t one of them.  Besides, I’m getting too old to be running from a small [no pun intended] mob of half-haired dwarfs. 

I will instead start a rogue cat grooming service.  My neighborhood carry out releases five kittens at the end of the third week in December.  I’m sure they’d much rather be badly shaven than served on a styrofoam plate next to a healthy portion of fried rice. 

“…Here kitty kitty kitty…”

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Quote of the week:    “You can not climb the ladder of success with both hands in your pocket.”

A Birthday Tribute to the Hills of Hottywood

Ladies and gentlemen!  Guys and gals!  Kats, kittens, dawgs, and bitches!  I greet you in the name of all things coated with vegetable oil and all-purpose flour!  Today we celebrate a very special day.  No, I’m not referring to the anniversary of the Alabama law that states it is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesdays; or the Oregon law that dictates canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.  Though, in my opinion, those days are worth celebrating.  Today we honor and celebrate the birth of Hottywood!  

Today, as I blow out a flattering number of trick candles, eat mounds of chocolate cake and pass gas profusely from all the lactose-induced vanilla bean ice cream I can eat, I invite you to unbuckle those horrible skinny jeans, kick off your white socks and sandals, and put your table manners to the side as we feast at a table of endless chicken wings and sesame seed buns! 

On this cold day of February, all should be reminded and some even encouraged that there are many things that we can all get away with in the name of Hottywood, simply because I said so.  And I don’t give a damn who doesn’t like it.  You don’t even have to thank me for this encouragement because some of you reserved tykes have probably been waiting for the right opportunities [anyway] to: 

  • Tell your neighbors to shove their loud stereo sets up their ass;
  • Suggest to your coworkers that they email themselves straight to hell;
  • Lead that one self-absorbed person to the middle of a bullfighting coliseum after coloring their body w/ permanent red magic marker;
  • Dip your enemy’s underwear in raw hamburger meat and unleash a pack of hungry dogs on them;
  • Turn off all the hot water in your apartment complex at the break of dawn so people’s annoying shower singing can actually be what it sounds like – screaming; or
  • Put baby snapping turtles inside your landlord’s mailbox. 

It’s probably not ethical for me to give you ideas on how to get back at all those folks who forgot your birthday, have done you wrong, or even the clods that you simply don’t like.  But as I’ve stated before, today is a very special day and the only rule that applies is that I make the rules.  So you can do whatever the hell you damn well please in the name of humor, emotionless love and my birthday!    

May the rest of your day be filled with chicken wings, stripper poles, and restraining orders.  Not necessarily in that order.  

…oh, and if you don’t think you have the balls to be bad, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started!  Follow my lead and you just might learn something.  Happy birthday to me from me!  

Luv ya, babies.

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Quote of the week:  “Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”