Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

***

All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

***

Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.”