Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 8-14, 2010

Many times, as you prepare to embark on a life-changing experience, one of your armpits perspire more than the other.  That’s what we call the element of surprise.  Life has a funny way of playing those kinds of pranks on people.  Before you turn around, drop your pants and moon the “element of surprise,” here’s your chance to get a jump on what other tricks life has up its sleeve. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A muppet dies every time you lie to a bill collector. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re great at keeping secrets as long as no one’s around to talk to you.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen for a round of applause every time you flush the toilet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

One can always tell the type of sh*t you’re into by the stinky trail you leave behind. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Same crap, different toilet. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Stupid people need love too, just not from you.  Unless, of course, you’re as stupid as they are. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of pigeons wearing false eyelashes. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Somewhere in the world, a village is missing its idiot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Science dictates that you are likely to be uninvited to your own party.  Bacon is on sale at your local market. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’re going to make a name for yourself 600,000 brillo pads from today.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re an excellent liar.  You’ll lie about lying if you have to.  Also, your socks don’t match what you’re wearing but you’ll probably say you meant to do that. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Deception is necessary in order to capture a true spirit. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.” 
 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 25-31, 2010

The universe has a funny way of laughing at us.  Well have I’ve got news for the universe: Sh*t happens!  That’s just the way it is and has been since the beginning of time.  But no matter what the universe throws at us, we’re more prepared than we think.  However, we mustn’t forget that all sh*t stinks. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Channel your outer beauty.  Consider your eyes “the nipples of the face.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

That stupid look on your face is your greatest weapon.  Fight smart not hard.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If you have a constant scent of penguin skin under your nose, watch your back.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are in direct line with bullsh*t and trouble lurks around every corner.   Avoid hooded ducks on steroids. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your two flaws are that you’re too nosey not to mind other people’s business and not clever enough to protect your own.  That equals disaster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Tongue-kiss as many strangers as you come across and gain a whole new respect for getting jumped. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Just because no one commented on your big ass bunyon doesn’t mean it went unnoticed.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You may feel a conflict between yourself and your 2nd face, this week.  It’s okay.  No one thinks you’re normal anyway. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If everything seems to be too good to be true, just wait.  You’re bound to say something to mess it all up. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you receive an anonymous greeting card in the mail with the letters “STFU” handwritten inside — God is trying to tell you something. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Someone will test your intelligence.  They’re checking to see if you’re as dumb as you look. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

The good news is you weren’t born an asshole, so there may be hope for you yet.

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Quote of the Week:      “You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 11-17, 2010

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I say money does.  Either way, it’s all one big fat case of the ‘tomato/tomawto’ syndrome.  What’s up to all you skankalicious folks out there in Readerville?   I know you missed me but you can get your sweaty paws off the jock strap because we’re back and roaring ferociously with Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how good your aim is, you will be cursed with missing the toilet seat. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are the academic equivalent of a bullhorn and may end up landing a promising career in fast food cashiering…if you’re lucky.    

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You are going to tell so many bold-face lies that you’ll eventually begin to believe them yourself.  Unfortunately, you’ll be the only one who believes them. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You will suffer a diaper rash between your big and middle toes.  If you want to know how the hell the rash got on your toes, your guess is as good as mine. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Decorate your favorite room in chocolate-colored toilet paper.  It’ll say a lot about your character.  A sh*tty mess.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Counting backwards while scratching your nipples will lead you to some of your best decisions today. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may need to change your eating habits if you sweat hot dog water.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Humor is the aspirin of life.  Stupid people are the gas we pass in a crowded room after eating a ½ dozen deviled eggs. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

There is a great revelation in a pound of bacon – unless you are a vegetarian.  Then your judgment will be just as cloudy today as it was yesterday.  Good luck.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There is nothing good about a saggy vagina. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your nasty ass attitude will get you a well-deserved slap on the forehead. Stay away from video cameras, YouTube and people who smell like kangaroo sacks.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

People may be a little put off by you because you’re an effin’ weirdo. You rarely wear underwear and you reek of piss.  But you’ll save a lot of money in car insurance.

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Quote of the Week:      “The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists the circulation of their blood.”

 

What You Settle For is What You Get

Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses.  Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble.  All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time.  You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that.  If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
 
I’d like to start off today’s lesson with a little motto that I think works for a multitude of situations: “When in doubt, get out.”   Keeping that in mind, let’s begin with the signs of a settle.  
 
Tip #1.  If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap.  They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants.  This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date.  If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out.  You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
 
Tip #2.  If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother.  The road ahead will be rockier than a Bedrock sky scraper.  It’s true that most people meet their matches in nightclubs or house parties, but it’s not always necessarily so that you or that person is a party type.  Nine times out of ten, that very same party animal loves the nightlife and the dangers that come along with.  For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue.  What goes on in the night when every eye is shut?  Is it not true that the freaks come out at night?  If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call.  Some ass is better than none at all. 
 
Tip #3.  If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line.  This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!”  You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is?  Is it marriage?  An alternative lifestyle?  Kids?  No job?  No common sense?  A sexaholic?  An alcoholic?  The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers.  Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead.  Watch your step before you fall into a ditch.  Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy.  You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into.   
 
Tip #4.  If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air.  That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them.  Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them.  The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike!    
 
Tip #5.  If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them.  Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be.  If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth.  And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’!   
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To put the matter mildly, what you settle for is what you get, so in order not to settle, you just have to put in a little effort and spot all the signs.  Putting in a little effort is not as hard as you think.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started. 
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Quote of the week:   “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”