The Booty Call Agreement

So this morning you woke up to a warm body next to you and was served breakfast in bed with the groceries you purchased with your hard earned money.  Did you miss something?  Somewhere during the night of your wild, scandalous and sadistic booty call, your FWB (friend with benefits) got the impression that your good wet-wet was an open invitation to a monogamous relationship.  News flash, moron: IT WAS JUST SEX!

More times than often one of your bed pals can get the wrong impression with just one twist of the body, one bounce of the rod or one moment too long of cuddle time and suddenly think tomorrow is the day you two set aside to go ring shopping.  This is what happens when one person gets a little too ancy about falling in love.  We’ve discussed this before in our Sex Ed 101 class.  Bumping pelvises is not the same thing as the pretentious promise, “I do.”

You should not have any regrets for wetting your whistle with someone else’s body spit.  It’s one of the many joys of life; one of the rewards for being single.  Some may argue it’s one of the rewards for being a lying, dastardly, cheating bastard (for those who are already committed).  The sex may have been great last night.  It may have been even greater this  morning, because there’s nothing like a ‘morning after’.  However you must be clear to the person you’re boning that it’s nothing more than sex – a desperate, yearning need to be filled with the pleasures of someone else’s sexual and willing desire.   After it’s all said and done, it’s more than likely that you’ll want them to dissipate into the sheets as if they were never there (once you’ve experienced the big “O” and washed their scent off your body of course).

Booty calls are good but they’re also misleading.  So the next time you invite someone over to your place to quench your horny thirst, be sure to have a visible stack of “booty call agreements” sitting on your nightstand.

A)  You want your partner to know they’re not the only one you’re screwing.  That way there’s no reason for them to get their hopes up of an oncoming relationship, no matter how good the f*ck is.

B)  They’ll know what to expect from the night, and

C)  What you expect from them.

See sample booty call agreement below:

If they are still blinded by your juicy va-jay-jay or steel power jack, feed them the same old clichés you’ve fed to all the other losers who misinterpreted your late night romper room calls:

Sometimes all a person needs is a good ol’ ego boost, a $20 bill or a scathing threat to get the message that you got what you needed from them and that’s all there is to it.  It doesn’t take much effort to give anyone the boot once they’ve signed that agreement.  It’s a binding contract.  It takes more effort to let them stay and lead them on than it does to be honest and kick them out.  They’ll be back.  They’ve already shown you how horny and delusional they are.  At this point, you have the upper hand.

Quote of the week:    “It is not uncommon for slight acquaintances to get married, but a couple really have to know each other to get divorced.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I met this guy on an online sex site. We hooked up. It was okay. I pretty much only connected with him to get over my ex (getting over an old lover with a new one). Now this guy seems to have caught feelings and tries to see me all the time (meaning every day). Do I tell him I’m not emotionally interested in him or just cut him off cold turkey? 


Dear Anonymous,

One Night StandThis is a tough call, and truthfully you are really the only one that can answer this question. If you met dude on a hookup site, chances are he connected with you with an intention to merely screw your brains out. Somewhere along the line something caught his attention. Either you were more attractive than he anticipated; you were too nice; you indulged in actual conversation; or your sex was too good. Whatever the reason for his shift in manner it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to conclude that you two didn’t set boundaries before bumping pelvises.

Usually online jump-offs are all about one thing. If you had a conversation with him before showcasing your unmentionables, you could have eluded that you were looking for something a little more than a phuck. If he’s attracted to the way you look, you can’t help the beauty that God blessed you with. Realize your own worth of splendor and find a better quality of suitors offline. It’ll mean more to you and it’s a hell of a lot safer. If your sex was that good, don’t make any excuses for that. Pat yourself on the back. 

Whatever you decide, whether you cut him off completely or break his heart by telling him you aren’t feeling him emotionally, you don’t want to burn any bridges. Every [single] person needs a jump-off in their life. It’s good for exercise and a cure-all for mood swings so I’d probably advise against foregoing that. Although before you carve that advice in stone, remember that you can meet another jump-off online (if that’s the way you prefer to go) just the way you met the guy you’re referencing now.

If you don’t want to confront him with the truth that all you’re interested in is what he has inside his underoos, then your best bet is to train him by action rather than words. Call him when you want it. You set the boundaries, the days, the times and the conditions. Understand though that as a man, being the follower in a sexual relationship is not going to sit well with him very long. …well, again if your sex is that good you hold all the cards. When it comes to a piece of ass, most men are weak.

Keep in mind that the same way you met him online, he can meet someone else who will be foolish enough to let him hit it and invade their space any time he damn well wishes, leaving you lonely and horny.

You have to ask yourself two questions before making your final decision. Will a booty call satisfy your heart or your loins? Which one of those is more important to you?

…or you can just tell him you’re pregnant. 

[See why the Booty Call Agreement is so important.]


The Morning After

The weekend is quickly approaching and somewhere in the world is a young skank kicking him/herself for sucking on one too many vodka-sickles and waking up to some disappointing one night stand. It’s not uncommon. In fact, it’s quite something to be proud of just as long as the high volume of alcohol continues to saturate the blood stream. It isn’t until the morning after, that those very same skanks would much rather blow their brains out with a popcorn kernel BB gun for laying up with the joker who otherwise wouldn’t stand a chance in hell with anyone hopeless, desperate or breathing. Alas, it’s amazing what an abnormal amount of alcohol consumption can do to one’s judgment and yearning loins.

Once you’ve managed to escape from the stained bed sheets of your last night’s shame, it’s hard to determine if that pit in your stomach is nothing but a hangover waiting to happen or the image of what your drunk ass was too wasted to notice before you lined the lamp shade with your underwear. Shame on the lush! Not for getting laid by a perfect stranger. That’s normal. Shame on you for not pulling out the emergency “Yuck Face” kit before giving up the goods. Your disgraceful inebriation turned out to be someone else’s 10-point score card. You were the victim they prayed for and no matter how many times you vomit or scrub your sin-contaminated skin, the scent of indignity will linger on you like pollen in the Spring time. As you drop to your knees and beg the high heavens for forgiveness, be sure to pray that your sinuses are the only thing that flares up.

You may travel through the day with images of wild positions your nameless lover placed you in or hear the engraved outlandish, embarrassing and insulting names you may have demanded to be called.  You may blame it on the alcohol, like Jamie Foxx and T-Pain.  You may even blame it on the dry spell of not having any mortal flesh between your legs in the past 3-7 months.  Whatever your reason, no amount of excuses can cleanse the disgust of your level of desperation to bed the first person who was smart enough to catch you at your drunkest state.  You will forever be a trophy on the mantle piece of the ugly, the defamed, and some would even argue – the damn right lucky!    

How do you feel about yourself now???

Don’t be so hard on yourself.  Although ½ the world would probably point its fingers and laugh for the dumb choice you let that empty bottle of booze make for you, you should feel proud that you were able to spread your good cheer like a spoonful of heated margarine, despite the fact that you may want to bungee jump off a short cliff with no rope.  You have done a good deed for someone who otherwise may not have stood a chance for companionship if he or she were standing in the middle of a puppy adoption fair.  Your combined skills of being a ho and a lush has provided someone the opportunity to kiss and tell to all their loser-like friends about just how easy you are.   And just think – all it took was 90% of effort and a bottle of 80 proof liquor. 

Now that’s how you serve your country. 


Quote of the week:    “If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home.”