Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it. It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public. Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off.
January 20 – February 18
You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses.
February 19 – March 20
You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids.
March 21 – April 19
In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.
April 20 – May 20
Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene.
May 21 – June 20
Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.” Don’t get offended. Aliens are making a comeback.
June 21 – July 22
Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings.
July 23 – August 22
Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.
August 23 – September 22
That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet.
September 23 – October 22
You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week. This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions. You may also get a promotion.
October 23 – November 21
Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana.
November 22 – December 21
Being cheap is not a bad thing. It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels.
Quote of the Week: “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.”
A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!
Fellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans! To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil. They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised! They are the devil incarnate. They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear.
How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame? Better yet, why was it inducted? There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them. The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass. This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff. There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans. For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world. If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets? I think not.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation. Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff. I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support. In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt! Alas I am but one voice. My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream. I beg of you, please stop this madness. Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor.
I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion. As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found. This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense. I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans. Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass. This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public. Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word.
ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS:
Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please. Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.
With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean! It is my solemn duty to spread the word!
As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time. My door is always open, except in the morning before 11. If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass! I really will. Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs. I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.
Quote of the Week: “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”
Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps