Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Discovering the real you is something that happens when you least expect it.  It only happens when you realize there is a positive side to belching in public.  Now’s your time to experience the joys of tomorrow’s stares. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Tongue-kissing like a puppy is a big turn off. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You can solve any problem with a big payoff and no witnesses. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You may spend ½ the day trying to figure out what it is you have in common with a midget giraffe on steroids. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

In time, you will learn to appreciate the joyous sensation of peeing with the door open.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Beware of fish today. That includes fish sticks, fish & chips, and women with bad hygiene. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Someone is going to tell you, “You’re too stupid to be from this planet.”  Don’t get offended.  Aliens are making a comeback. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Your face may be ashy and cracked this week and it may have a direct impact on the growing population of rat droppings and rusted copper toe rings. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Cheese curls will mysteriously appear in your pocket and the sun will set upon the east.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

That overwhelming feeling you have burning the inner depths of your soul will be revealed after a revelation on the toilet. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You might institute a “drop your pants” day, at the end of the week.  This may or may not change people’s perception of your slutty inhibitions.  You may also get a promotion.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Dust all the lint balls from the corners of your room and ask yourself what that has to do with the legalization of marijuana. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Being cheap is not a bad thing.  It’s just a cover up for something stirring in your bowels. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” 

What You Settle For is What You Get

Relationships aren’t just about pretty smiles, hypnotic eyes and fat asses.  Sure, those may be some of the more important things to look out for, but if that’s all you’re focusing on before entering into a union with someone, then chances are you’re in for a world of trouble.  All relationships require work, however before it begins, you need to know what to look out for to help determine if it’s even worth your time.  You’ve probably settled for your last relationship and the one before that.  If that’s the case, then you have all the information you need to spot a worthless relationship in the making. 
 
I’d like to start off today’s lesson with a little motto that I think works for a multitude of situations: “When in doubt, get out.”   Keeping that in mind, let’s begin with the signs of a settle.  
 
Tip #1.  If the only thing a person can communicate to you is sex, then you need to chop it up as a wrap.  They’re attention span isn’t going to last longer than the amount of time it takes for you to remove your pants.  This may be a good thing by the second or third date, when you’re horny enough to give it up, unless you’re just some kind of slut muffin who gives it up on the first date.  If you are, then you might as well stop reading now, because no other tip will help you out.  You’ve doomed yourself already by being so damn easy. 
 
Tip #2.  If your new mate is a party animal while you’re not, or vice versa, don’t bother.  The road ahead will be rockier than a Bedrock sky scraper.  It’s true that most people meet their matches in nightclubs or house parties, but it’s not always necessarily so that you or that person is a party type.  Nine times out of ten, that very same party animal loves the nightlife and the dangers that come along with.  For the individual that’s not used to living on the edge in the wee hours of the night, heartache and endless worries ensue.  What goes on in the night when every eye is shut?  Is it not true that the freaks come out at night?  If you two aren’t evenly yolked in your ways of entertainment, then you could be wasting valuable time in meeting the love of your dreams.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t totally give up on the thought of a good booty call.  Some ass is better than none at all. 
 
Tip #3.  If you’re given no details of your mate’s personal life/business, then you’d better keep your eyes peeled for a shoe to drop somewhere along the line.  This is a redflag and flashing neon sign that screams “There’s something to hide!”  You’ll spend the majority of your time trying to figure out what the big secret is?  Is it marriage?  An alternative lifestyle?  Kids?  No job?  No common sense?  A sexaholic?  An alcoholic?  The possibilities are endless and you could wear yourself out trying to figure out the answers.  Also keep in mind that if there are secrets in the beginning, this could lay the carpet for the road ahead.  Watch your step before you fall into a ditch.  Once you crawl out of the ditch, keep a shovel handy.  You’re going to need it to cover the dirt over your mate once you’ve pushed them into the same ditch you fell into.   
 
Tip #4.  If the person only talks about him/herself, you need to run for the hills screaming with your hands waving in the air.  That person is a selfish know-it-all who knows nothing about anything, unless that anything has something to do with them.  Trust me, the conversation will get pretty boring very quickly when the subject begins and ends with them.  The only thing you’d be willing to discuss at that point is them taking a gotdamn hike!    
 
Tip #5.  If you wind up meeting someone who’s best talent is complaining, quit while the going’s good.  Nine times out of ten, you’ll never be good enough for them.  Nothing you say, do, think, or feel will match up to their expectations and it wouldn’t be long before they try to change you and mold you into the person they want you to be.  If you value yourself at all, don’t let someone else depreciate your worth.  And if they attempt, whack them over the head with a 2×4 plank…then run before the cops come a-knockin’!   
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To put the matter mildly, what you settle for is what you get, so in order not to settle, you just have to put in a little effort and spot all the signs.  Putting in a little effort is not as hard as you think.  Afterall, 90% of any effort is getting started. 
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Quote of the week:   “One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.”

A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!

More_Skinny_JeansFellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans!  To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil.  They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised!  They are the devil incarnate.  They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear. 

How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame?  Better yet, why was it inducted?  There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them.  The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE! 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass.  This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff.  There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans.  For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world.  If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets?  I think not. 

blogskinnyjeansFor the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation.  Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff.  I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support.  In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt!  Alas I am but one voice.  My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream.  I beg of you, please stop this madness.  Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor. 

I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion.  As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found.  This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense.  I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans.  Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass.  This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public.  Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word. 

ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS: 

Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please.  Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.

  1. Socks should match your pants. Easy as 1, 2, 3.
  2. Belts should match your shoes. Not every one is color blind like you.
  3. Never wear both a belt and suspenders. The combination makes you appear less confident – you big wuss.
  4. Your shoes should be clean.  Dirty shoes can ruin a nice outfit leaving you vulnerable to harsh and heavy insults.  Trust me. I’ll be the one doing the insulting!
  5. Don’t wear a short sleeve shirt in combination with a tie. Actually, never wear a short sleeve shirt period. People have the perception that short sleeve shirts are only worn by lower class people. You can wear one if you want to be a McDonald’s manager, but that’s about the only exception to the rule. 
  6. Wear the right size pants ok? This statement should be self explanatory however I am sure there is some moron out there who will overlook this very small detail.  If your pants are too long, you should be thrown into a dryer, body and all, until your clothes shrink to fit your body.  If your pants are too tight, then you are the person this whole article is all about. 
  7. Socks with Sandals. Even if you live in Maine, don’t do it – you’ll look like a schmuck and I’ll hunt you down and attack you with skunk spray.
  8. Chunky Shoes. Lose them, this is Earth, not the moon.
  9. Clashing or too many colors. Do you really want to look like a gay pride flag? Stick to complementary colors (those opposite from each other on the color wheel) or colors from the same pallet. You can find one on the web very easily by searching on Google!

With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean!   It is my solemn duty to spread the word!   

As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time.  My door is always open, except in the morning before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass!  I really will.    Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs.  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.   

Quote of the Week:    “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”

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