Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Back Off, Sucka!

There comes moments in everyone’s life when you just want to tell someone to “Back Off!”  It’s not an unusual feeling and it’s not always as rude as you may think, especially if that person is doing all but verbally asking you for the reminder that they should mind their own damn business.  

Sometimes children want to tell their nagging parents to put a muzzle on and allow them to be children before being prematurely molded into old bitties.  Sometimes residents want to tell their neighbors to put blindfolds on and stop peeking out their windows when late night booty calls ring the doorbell.  Often times, co-workers want to shoot paperclips in the eyeballs of their nosy colleagues when they dig deep and pass judgment on the private events that have taken place in their associates’ personal weekend lives.  Even pets deserve a certain level of “back offage” when they demand a high level of attention.  

Everyone at some stage of the game reserves the right to be wrong, shady, introversive, keep secrets and make their own mistakes without someone else’s snotty nose minding the business that doesn’t belong to them.  There are a dozen ways to tell someone to back the hell off and lucky for you, Hottywood is here to help you figure out the proper way to get your point across!  Rude doesn’t always have to be bad.  It can be considered simply as being frank.  No matter how you spin the word, I promise you’ll only have to spin it once.  

To the mean old farts at church that can’t get with the crossroads of secular and gospel music:  Remove the batteries from your hearing aid when it comes time for the youth choir to sing their Sunday morning selection or risk the brakes on your wheelchair being tampered with.  Silence is golden

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To the single friend who has more advice to give to their coupled pals:  Spend more time worrying about why no one wants you instead of evaluating why your married associates are having trouble in paradise.  Those friends have done something well enough to get hitched that you obviously haven’t mastered yet.  Loser.     

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To the bill collector who bombards consumers with repeated phone calls and threatening telephone messages:  You should consider yourself lucky that you’re hiding behind a telephone receiver, but never underestimate the power of switchboard.com and a gang of anti-telemarketing vigilantes.  Karma’s a bitch, bitch!  

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To the school teacher whose come to a conclusion of why a student isn’t grasping the essence of a particular classroom study lesson:  The problem isn’t with the student; the problem is that you really aren’t that great of a teacher and you’re probably going to get your ass whipped at 3 o’clock by an angry parent for failing to do your job properly in teaching that child the basics.  Run for your life!   

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To the desperate round-da-way chick who keeps trying to give up the booty to anyone who’ll take it:  Nobody wants to be bothered with someone who has a VIP pass to the free clinic. 

Don’t back it up.  Back it off, huzzy!   

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To the supervisor who keeps asking his/her employee about the status of a project:  Realize that in the amount of time it takes for you to walk over to that employee’s desk, a family of baby snakes can devour the flesh of a nuisance human.  Silence speaks volumes.  

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[…and finally] To the person who simply won’t shut the hell up:  Either you stop talking or you may find yourself packing a bag for a very quick trip over a long cliff.  Hush already, will ya?  

If some of these commanding demands are a little too extreme for you to use on anyone who’s getting a little beside themselves where your business and peace of mind is concerned, then maybe you need to go somewhere and grow a backbone, because honestly more times than few, being direct is your best bet in telling someone to back the hell up and stay out of your beez-wax!  Truth be told you’re not being rude.  You’re being honest.  And if being honest is too hard for you to share with someone else, then the first thing you need to do is be honest with yourself.  The second thing is to realize that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.  You have to go to them sometimes.”

Free Advice For Someone Who’s Always Begging to Borrow

Many times we, as the soft-hearted jelly fish that we can sometimes be, are underestimated by our kindness and generosity.  Though those are two traits most people would consider to be commendably worth having, there are those moments when we, ourselves, would have to argue otherwise. 

It’s not uncommon for a person with a heart made of gold to loan out money, advice, time, effort or even their bodies, depending on the amount of whining one does to gain sympathy.  But as much as our hearts allow us to say yes, our minds must play the devil’s advocate.   

Rhetorical Question:  “Who the hell do you think we are?”

We, the kind and just people of the world who feel sorry for all you stingy, needy ass people who can’t or won’t go out and do for your damn selves, have finally taken a stand to unite and say, “F*ck no! Don’t ask.” 

As harsh as it may seem, it’s about damn time that we strike you over the head with what many people call “tough love.”  And by “tough love,” we mean rigging the brakes on your means of transportation.  How else are you going to learn to take care of yourself if those folks who are way better and more sufficient than you are don’t tell your ass “no” every now and again [or at least more often]?  You are depending on people who are smart enough to take care of themselves but dumb enough to take care of you, too.  That’s not fair. 

  • It’s not fair to the fools who are too nice to say “no.” 
  • It’s not fair to the mother who failed in raising you better. 
  • It’s not fair to your kids of whom you are leading a shameful example, and   
  • It’s not right for the universe to have your lazy ass breathing the same air as someone who has more worth and purpose of living. 

I know this is a little cruel but deal with it.  It’s the price you have to pay for always having your hand held out; always expecting something for nothing.  You might as well be a puppy.  Do you feel bad yet?  Because you kind of should.   There’s no reason for a person to be a lazy, trifling, no-go-getter when the world around them scuffles for a better tomorrow.  You need to stand up and move to the side because you are doing nothing but dirtying up the coat tails of the person who stands ahead of you in the game called life.

You want some real advice?  Don’t worry, it’s free.  Get a job or get lost!  Neither takes that much effort.  After all 90% of any effort is getting started.    The rest is money in the bank. 

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Quote of the week:     “Borrowing is not much better than begging.”

What is Your Self Worth?

I’ve heard it all before, “I can’t,” “I give up,” “You win,” and my personal favorite, “I won’t even try.”  What the hell is wrong with you, you loser?!   Didn’t your mother ever teach you that no one likes a quitter?  If she hasn’t, then she failed as a mother and deemed you an underachiever who will probably never amount to anything except VIP treatment in a loser’s lounge.  

Why should anyone feel sorry for you?  You’re doing a damn good job of that, yourself.  

**Real talk** If the most faith you have in yourself is the belief that you will never achieve any greater success than counting the fart bubbles you produce in your bathtub, then you might as well pull the plug on that dirty water and go down the drain right along with it.  

Where is your commitment to yourself?  I’m talking about the [self] commitment of amounting to something greater than what you’re already not.  Are you so satisfied with being a nobody whose going nowhere quickly, except home to mommy and daddy, that you’re willing to let your life pass you by?  If that’s the most you can offer yourself, then you are consciously giving up a better life here on this crappy planet because you’re too blinded to see the view beyond your mom’s basement apartment window.  It’s time to dig your way out that barrel and find out what all the other crabs are getting into when they aren’t being captured on beaches and steamed and sold to the highest paying corporate job fish market.     

Sooner or later, you’ll need to stand on top of that express check-out counter, where you usually and most graciously accept your customer’s EBT cards, hold that brown paper bag proudly over your head and say to the masses, “I am greater than minimum wage!”  Then quit your job before your boss has security tackle you to the ground and take away your store discount credit.  After you’ve polished off the last of that 40oz Old English and buried your sorrows somewhere inside that bloated pot belly of yours, you’ll realize that a change is necessary.  And if that final gross belch doesn’t wake you up, perhaps the piercing shriek of your mother’s war cry will when you come home with no paycheck and tell her you’ve been fired for quitting on company’s time.  She’ll call you every name in the book from a trifling nobody to a HOMELESS trifling nobody who couldn’t keep a job bagging groceries for people who only come to your check-out lane to feel better about themselves.  

The bottom line is you can’t quit something you’re too chicken sh*tted to start.  You can have a better life.  Dead end jobs are so yesterday.  Living at home with your parents is so 80’s.  Step into the new millenium.  Find out what you’re worth.  Get laid a little.  Find out what getting laid is worth. 

The moral is if you accept defeat before you even get into the game, you’ll always find yourself at the starting point when everyone else has humped their way to victory with a water-based lube.  Do you really want to be the only dry virgin waiting at the starting line when everyone else has experienced their climax several times and moved on to the next big thing?  If you’re afraid to crawl from beneath that rock and head on over to the boom boom room, then you deserve to be living in a basement.  Quitters never win for a damn reason and the only critters who should feel sorry for your ass are the roaches you board as roommates for taking up their space in the dark.  

Normally I would end by saying that 90% of any effort is getting started.  However in this case, it’ll probably take more effort to finish doing the nothing you started out with while everything else passes you by.

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Quote of the week:    “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”

I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 13-19, 2009

How much better off would you be if you could foresee and prevent funky armpits, lousy lays and stressful workdays?  Here’s your chance to find out!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Cats in heat will cry and whine every night this week, but only when you get good into a deep sleep.  Ear plugs, sound proof padding and shot guns will be of no use to you.  Try not to cut your ears off. 

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your bills will be due on any day you have no money at all.  Holding up a liquor store will cross your mind more than once.  Steer clear of police cars and news reporters.  Your left profile is your best side. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will be groped by a one-armed midget who is seemingly stuck in the Victorian ages.  Buy a miniature bazooka.  It packs the perfect punch for a feisty pint size. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your feet will stink so badly this week that you will lose a couple of friends.  Don’t worry, those particular friends talked about you behind your back anyway.  You should be happy that you have stinky feet.  It helped get rid of bad baggage.  However, romance is not in the stars for you.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Keep an extra pair of shoes in your carrying bag.  You’re going to step in a lot of sh*t this week.  Avoid puppies and panda bears.  Good luck! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You will spit on everyone you speak to this week.  Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!”  Actions speak louder than words.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

All of your shirts/blouses will have holes in the armpits.  You will not be raising your hand because you will not be so sure.  Try bathing in bleach.  If that doesn’t work, wrap yourself in aluminum foil and start a new fashion trend. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Santa Claus is having an affair with the Easter bunny, which means this Christmas season is looking a little grim for you.  Everyone is getting laid except you.  Don’t listen to any music that has the lyrics, “…I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Slow down, pace yourself and watch your back.  Leave the burgers alone and get your fat ass on a treadmill.  You’ll never get into that bathing suit if you keep super sizing it.  You’ll probably start drinking or smoking this week, if you don’t already. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

All of your coffee will be bitter no matter how much sugar you may add.  Hold your breath until you turn blue to see if that changes your perception of taste.  At least in the hospital, you’ll have an option of apple juice or orange. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your computer will crash and your cell phone will die, leaving you dumbfounded to the notion of old school communication.  Get reacquainted with the power of the pen.  If that doesn’t work, get two Styrofoam cups and a long piece of string.  It’ll be a hassle, but a miracle worker.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you are a naturally born or surgically altered male Sagittarius, all of the zippers in your trousers will stick, exposing your pecker.  This may be a good week for late night creeps and unexpected sale prices.  Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Life is a big ass wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  In the meantime, it won’t kill you to carry around a few extra stink bombs to ease your frustrations.”  

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The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff

The Office Cheerleader: Let’s Push Them Off a Cliff !

MorningPerson_2Morning People ~ Patooey!  We’ve all got one – the office cheerleader; the annoying person who always seem to wake up on the right side of the bed.  This is that perky man or woman who comes into your office first thing in the morning and damn near sings every word like a Disney cartoon character.  You know who talking I’m about.  That irritating person who sleeps at night with their arm attached to an espresso-filled IV machine.  As much as we try to appreciate the pep that they drop in our office like sh*t turds, we more or less would much rather take a rubber band and a letter opener and use this one-man pep squad as target practice. 

Listen to the audio clip below to be reminded just how much you hate these people. 

How the hell can one person be so happy every single morning?  I don’t care how much nookie you can get in a week, there’s nobody on the face of the planet that has that much “morning after” glow.  …well, maybe a whore or a pimp, but even they have their off days. 

StarbucksEach morning my coworker comes into my office and screams “Good morning” with a voluminous pitch that scrapes my ears like fingernails on a chalk board.  She usually follows up with this awful little dance move that no one should be allowed to do in public (it usually makes me want to hurl myself from my 3rd floor office window, head first).  I’ve done all but come to work without applying deodorant to let this woman know that I am in no way remotely interested in holding a conversation before a certain time, even post-Starbucks.  That level of pep-osity should be prohibited from use in all human being’s lives.  The only creatures that should be so happy that early are squirrels – for not getting run over by Mac trucks as they cross the expressway.   

By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself the same question I’ve asked for many a-morning.  What can we do to put an end to this overindulgent perkiness?  Well look no further because you’ve come to the right place! 

MorningPerson_1The next time your office cheerleader enters your personal space with their pom-poms shaking in the air and speaking in rhymes, I want you to take a hand-held machine gun, loaded with reusable party forks and go all Rambo on their ass!  Leave a trail of banana peels beginning at the entrance of your office building and ending at their cubicle so that each time they take a step, they’ll plummet to the floor leaving nothing but black and blue bruises along their backside.  If they still get up with a smile on their face, then this should tell you that this person is not human.  If that is case, rest assured that they have an off-switch located somewhere on their body.  If you can not find this kill-switch, hand grenades work wonders! 

You must plan the demise very carefully though, because every office cheerleader has a horse shoe lodged in the crevice of their ass for good luck.  When you least expect it, it transforms into a dagger and stabs you in the back repeatedly until blood ruins that new, expensive top you were just dying to wear to the office, spelling out the words, “Karma’s a bitch.”

Now, I’m not one to promote violence, except on any day that ends with the letter “y”, but these happy people are the enemy dressed in a “just-got-laid” smile. So if the Rambo trick, the banana peels or the hand grenades are a little too drastic for your taste, you can always install an electric fence to your office door and say it was an environmental upgrade approved by the board of directors to ensure total employee concentration.  Either that or you can simply blame it on the clean up crew who comes in after-hours when the office is closed to the general public.  Whatever you choose, a quick and painful death is the only way to stop the rise of this chipper nation. 

…death to the office cheerleader; let’s push them off a cliff!

With that said, homies and honies, it’s time for me to ring the bell because this is my stop!  Be reminded that you can stop by to check me out anytime because my door is always open.  Just know that if you make the mistake of knocking on my door or ringing my phone before 11am, I’ll cut your ass with a dull butter knife. 

Until next time my little packs of sun-dried turtle droppings.  I must bid you a fond farewell.  And remember that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

Follow me on Twitter at http://twitter.com/Hottywood_Helps

THE DAMNED LIST: For Parents With Kids Out of Control in Public Places

 A “DAMN YOU” LIST FOR PARENTS WHO ARE AFRAID TO TAKE CONTROL OF THEIR UNRULY KIDS IN PUBLIC PLACES

 Do We Blame the Children or the Parents?  

Bad_Kid 1You’ve seen them before –unruly children that wreak havoc on us well mannered, mild-tempered people.  They infest malls, grocery stores, restaurants and apartment doorsteps like roaches.  They speak to their parents as if the parent-child relationship roles were reversed.  They scream, kick, pout, and even ignore the hands that feed them.  And what do we do as witnesses to this unprecedented site for sore eyes?  We shake our heads at the parents who are obviously unaware of or simply refuse to grab the little monsters by the collar and stir up a little discipline and respect.  Well NO MORE, I say.  Damn that!  

I know there are many folks out there who would argue that disciplining your child in public is wrong, but if you think about it, if that child is being disciplined at home, they wouldn’t act like miniature ogres in public.  It’s time that we stop blaming the children for their less than perfect behavior and shake a stick at the parents for letting their guards down and not holding up the iron rod that was once so popular back in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s when our parents stood proudly for the fight of proper adolescent public behavior.  

So that we’re clear on why I blame the parents for the irrational and ill-conceived notion of letting these children run amok, here’s a list of Damn-You’s that some parents should be ashamed of:    

DAMN THE PARENTS ~ A “Damn You” list for those parents too scared to take control: 

  • Damn you, parents for being too chicken-sh*tted to whack your child on the ass when they put on the pants you should be wearing
  • Damn you for not snatching your children up by the shirt collar to let them know whose boss
  • Damn you for using your inside voice when a leather belt would so much better get the point across
  • Damn you for letting them curse at you like sailors 
  • Damn you for letting them run around the store unsupervised
  • Damn you for not putting a muzzle on them during movies at the theater 
  • Damn you for allowing them to hurl shrimp scampi at my head while I’m dining at Red Lobster 
  • Damn you for not dragging their ass inside the house when the street lights come on

Bad_Kid 3You, parents are the reason why I pinch your child while you’re not looking.  You are the reason most businesses, large and small, are prohibiting youth from entering into their respected establishments.  You are afraid (said in an antagonizing, whiny voice).  You are leery that a stranger will call the cops and cry child abuse.  

Do you want to know what I think about that?  Well even if you don’t want to know, I’m going to tell you anyway.  Because if a child can say and do whatever the hell they want to do to you, so can I!  I say you tell the police to come and take care of the little brute.  You tell them to take their handcuffs and drag the kid, kicking and screaming to the nearest cell and feed them bread and water and take away all television privileges for just two hours.  Hellooooo, it’s called scare tactics.  

Children aren’t afraid of parents anymore.  They laugh when the parental temperament elevates and go back to their little clubs and gangs and compare notes on whose parent is the most yellow-bellied.     

Well I’ve had enough, and I’m sure I’m not the only person who’s putting a foot down.  

Bad_Kid 2I am demanding that you put your cell phone down long enough to give your kid one good-old fashioned pop to remind them that you are the one who brought them into this world and you are the one who’ll take them out if they don’t learn some manners and respect.  I suggest that you be the one who take control before people like me do it for you.  And believe me that would be a whole new set of problems.  

If you’ve read this article to this point and still seem to be oblivious to what the hell I am talking about, take a look at the video below.  If your child exudes this kind of behavior in public and you’ve refrained from tossing him over your knee like an old church woman during 11 o’clock service at the corner store-front church, then you as a parent are at fault.  Kudos to the child for playing you like a fiddle. 

If you have one of those bad ass kids who have no better respect for their elders and uses curse words to express their inner feelings like the child displayed in this next video, then you as a parent should be beaten with a thin tree-switch.

I rest my case.  After seeing these videos, I’m sure you want to sit yourself down in a corner and either cry yourself to sleep out of guilt and shame or go home and punish your child for all the pranks they have yet to pull.  Either way, it’s time for you to take some responsibility.  You produced the sperm or the egg.  Now produce some results and teach your child to be a better adult than they are a spoiled or bad ass child. 

That’s it cats and kittens!  I think this is the point where I need to make my stage left exit.  I’m sure I’ve stepped on some toes while dotting my “I’s” and crossing my “T’s”.  So I’d better leave before a swarm of angry scardey cats, I mean parents, come after me with baseball bats and rusted pipes.  Remember, my door is always open and I courage you to stop by and visit me anytime.  Anytime before 11am that is.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass.  I promise I will. 

Until next time my little Peruvian unsalted cheese curls, and remember 90% of any effort is getting started. 

Quote of the week:     “If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.”

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A Nation Must Rise and Ban Together: Death to Skinny Jeans!

A NATION MUST RISE AND BAN TOGETHER: DEATH TO SKINNY JEANS!

More_Skinny_JeansFellas, I certainly believe in fashion and staking claim in your own freedom of expression, but if there’s one thing that should be burned at the stake like a witch in Old Salem, it’s those mother-effin’ skinny jeans!  To put it simply, skinny jeans are evil.  They should be anointed with holy water and exorcised!  They are the devil incarnate.  They are ugly and stupid and just as painful to look at as they must be to wear. 

How was this wretched style ever inducted into the Urban Fashion Hall of Fame?  Better yet, why was it inducted?  There are some things that just shouldn’t catch on and these skinny ass jeans just happen to be one of them.  The only thing they should catch is ON FIRE! 

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen guys walk the streets with jeans so tight, they can barely pull them over their ass.  This has got be the reverse of a female’s midriff.  There is nothing hard or masculine about any man in skinny jeans.  For that matter, there is nothing remotely masculine about a man insisting on showing his ass to the world.  If you were incarcerated, would you want to promote your ass the way you are imposing your skid marks on innocent by standers and passers bys on the city streets?  I think not. 

blogskinnyjeansFor the life of me, I can’t understand why some fellows are wearing them to the point of halted circulation.  Let’s be honest here, there is nothing more unflattering to the male body as these heathen denim slacks and anyone who believes otherwise should take a long nose dive off a short cliff.  I’ve rallied for various colors and styles and labels and looks, but the skinny jeans craze does not get my support.  In fact, I would sign my name on a petition five thousand times with a crayon if I thought it would bring this blunder to a screeching halt!  Alas I am but one voice.  My tears alone can not cry enough of a river to flush this trend downstream.  I beg of you, please stop this madness.  Take your skinny jeans and donate them to the starving children of Africa who are actually small enough to fit into them, thanks to the growing horrible pandemic known as kwashiorkor. 

I’ve taken the liberty to pull together a list of items that will help any man surpass this fashion faux pas and catapult himself into a higher realm of a respected level of fashion.  As you peruse this list, you will notice that the words “skinny jeans” are nowhere to be found.  This list is for mature young men, grown ups and any other male species who have some level of dignity and moral sense.  I am sick and tired and tired of being sick and tired of seeing Fruit-of-the-Looms bulge over the top of too tight jeans.  Should I see one more person attempt to pull off this look [and undoubtedly unsuccessfully I might add], I will pull out my sling shot and launch miniature torpedoes at their ass.  This will definitely give me greater pleasure than seeing their unmentionables in public.  Take heed and be warned, if I am nothing else, I am a man of my word. 

ALTERNATIVES TO SKINNY JEANS: 

Grow up and take style a little more seriously, please.  Following these rules below should save you the embarrassment of my wrath.

  1. Socks should match your pants. Easy as 1, 2, 3.
  2. Belts should match your shoes. Not every one is color blind like you.
  3. Never wear both a belt and suspenders. The combination makes you appear less confident – you big wuss.
  4. Your shoes should be clean.  Dirty shoes can ruin a nice outfit leaving you vulnerable to harsh and heavy insults.  Trust me. I’ll be the one doing the insulting!
  5. Don’t wear a short sleeve shirt in combination with a tie. Actually, never wear a short sleeve shirt period. People have the perception that short sleeve shirts are only worn by lower class people. You can wear one if you want to be a McDonald’s manager, but that’s about the only exception to the rule. 
  6. Wear the right size pants ok? This statement should be self explanatory however I am sure there is some moron out there who will overlook this very small detail.  If your pants are too long, you should be thrown into a dryer, body and all, until your clothes shrink to fit your body.  If your pants are too tight, then you are the person this whole article is all about. 
  7. Socks with Sandals. Even if you live in Maine, don’t do it – you’ll look like a schmuck and I’ll hunt you down and attack you with skunk spray.
  8. Chunky Shoes. Lose them, this is Earth, not the moon.
  9. Clashing or too many colors. Do you really want to look like a gay pride flag? Stick to complementary colors (those opposite from each other on the color wheel) or colors from the same pallet. You can find one on the web very easily by searching on Google!

With these thoughts in my mind, I invite you join with me in the rise of the death to the unforsaken skinny jean!   It is my solemn duty to spread the word!   

As always folks, stop on by and pay me a visit any time.  My door is always open, except in the morning before 11.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone that early, I’ll cut your ass!  I really will.    Until next time my little refurbished zebra hoofs.  I must bid you a fond farewell and remember 90% of any effort is getting started.   

Quote of the Week:    “Where humor is concerned there are no standards – no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.”

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