Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 14-20, 2010

Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist.  Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind.  You’re only human.  Live a little.  Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

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 Quote of the Week:   “Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 13-19, 2009

How much better off would you be if you could foresee and prevent funky armpits, lousy lays and stressful workdays?  Here’s your chance to find out!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Cats in heat will cry and whine every night this week, but only when you get good into a deep sleep.  Ear plugs, sound proof padding and shot guns will be of no use to you.  Try not to cut your ears off. 

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                                                                                                                                        Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your bills will be due on any day you have no money at all.  Holding up a liquor store will cross your mind more than once.  Steer clear of police cars and news reporters.  Your left profile is your best side. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will be groped by a one-armed midget who is seemingly stuck in the Victorian ages.  Buy a miniature bazooka.  It packs the perfect punch for a feisty pint size. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your feet will stink so badly this week that you will lose a couple of friends.  Don’t worry, those particular friends talked about you behind your back anyway.  You should be happy that you have stinky feet.  It helped get rid of bad baggage.  However, romance is not in the stars for you.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Keep an extra pair of shoes in your carrying bag.  You’re going to step in a lot of sh*t this week.  Avoid puppies and panda bears.  Good luck! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You will spit on everyone you speak to this week.  Don’t be surprised if someone punches you in the nose while screaming the words, “Say it; don’t spray it!”  Actions speak louder than words.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

All of your shirts/blouses will have holes in the armpits.  You will not be raising your hand because you will not be so sure.  Try bathing in bleach.  If that doesn’t work, wrap yourself in aluminum foil and start a new fashion trend. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Santa Claus is having an affair with the Easter bunny, which means this Christmas season is looking a little grim for you.  Everyone is getting laid except you.  Don’t listen to any music that has the lyrics, “…I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Slow down, pace yourself and watch your back.  Leave the burgers alone and get your fat ass on a treadmill.  You’ll never get into that bathing suit if you keep super sizing it.  You’ll probably start drinking or smoking this week, if you don’t already. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

All of your coffee will be bitter no matter how much sugar you may add.  Hold your breath until you turn blue to see if that changes your perception of taste.  At least in the hospital, you’ll have an option of apple juice or orange. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your computer will crash and your cell phone will die, leaving you dumbfounded to the notion of old school communication.  Get reacquainted with the power of the pen.  If that doesn’t work, get two Styrofoam cups and a long piece of string.  It’ll be a hassle, but a miracle worker.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you are a naturally born or surgically altered male Sagittarius, all of the zippers in your trousers will stick, exposing your pecker.  This may be a good week for late night creeps and unexpected sale prices.  Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Life is a big ass wheel.  What’s down today will be up tomorrow.  In the meantime, it won’t kill you to carry around a few extra stink bombs to ease your frustrations.”  

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