Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 24-30, 2011

Fate, Karma and Destiny are three evil bitches that pride themselves on reveling in the bliss of your displaced luck.  However, you can’t appreciate anything good if you haven’t experience anything bad.  It’s life; survival of the fittest. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

It’s possible that the stench of your socks may burn through the soles of your shoes.  Try taping buckets of bleach around your ankles. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Balance your stress level by counting the number of times you can say the word, “F*ck,” in one day. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It may be time to change your underwear if they have fur growing on them. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No other word can better explain your personal opinion better than the word, “…uh.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There is one thing that everyone hates about you.  Everything

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Seek refuge and know that being hit with rotten tomatoes is considered a form of respect in a small village not very far away from Disney Land.   

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Beware of an angry mob that’s low on self esteem and high off caffeine.  It never ends well. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Reading the comic section of the newspaper is not expanding your literary culture, you yutz. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

There are two things in life you should practice: Patience and not hitting the toilet seat when you pee. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Everything you eat will taste like envelope glue.  This is probably not a good week for late night booty calls. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You need some attention and adventure in your life.  Go to your local airport and sniff people’s bags like a basset hound.  After which scream, “Bomb!”  You’ll be guaranteed at least 15 minutes of fame before being hauled off to the slammer, where you’ll probably get more attention that you bargained for. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to start paying more attention to your dandruff.  There may be a problem lurking around the unscratched surface of your dry scalp which could explain your recent dry spell in the dating world.    

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Quote of the Week:     “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”

What is Your Self Worth?

I’ve heard it all before, “I can’t,” “I give up,” “You win,” and my personal favorite, “I won’t even try.”  What the hell is wrong with you, you loser?!   Didn’t your mother ever teach you that no one likes a quitter?  If she hasn’t, then she failed as a mother and deemed you an underachiever who will probably never amount to anything except VIP treatment in a loser’s lounge.  

Why should anyone feel sorry for you?  You’re doing a damn good job of that, yourself.  

**Real talk** If the most faith you have in yourself is the belief that you will never achieve any greater success than counting the fart bubbles you produce in your bathtub, then you might as well pull the plug on that dirty water and go down the drain right along with it.  

Where is your commitment to yourself?  I’m talking about the [self] commitment of amounting to something greater than what you’re already not.  Are you so satisfied with being a nobody whose going nowhere quickly, except home to mommy and daddy, that you’re willing to let your life pass you by?  If that’s the most you can offer yourself, then you are consciously giving up a better life here on this crappy planet because you’re too blinded to see the view beyond your mom’s basement apartment window.  It’s time to dig your way out that barrel and find out what all the other crabs are getting into when they aren’t being captured on beaches and steamed and sold to the highest paying corporate job fish market.     

Sooner or later, you’ll need to stand on top of that express check-out counter, where you usually and most graciously accept your customer’s EBT cards, hold that brown paper bag proudly over your head and say to the masses, “I am greater than minimum wage!”  Then quit your job before your boss has security tackle you to the ground and take away your store discount credit.  After you’ve polished off the last of that 40oz Old English and buried your sorrows somewhere inside that bloated pot belly of yours, you’ll realize that a change is necessary.  And if that final gross belch doesn’t wake you up, perhaps the piercing shriek of your mother’s war cry will when you come home with no paycheck and tell her you’ve been fired for quitting on company’s time.  She’ll call you every name in the book from a trifling nobody to a HOMELESS trifling nobody who couldn’t keep a job bagging groceries for people who only come to your check-out lane to feel better about themselves.  

The bottom line is you can’t quit something you’re too chicken sh*tted to start.  You can have a better life.  Dead end jobs are so yesterday.  Living at home with your parents is so 80’s.  Step into the new millenium.  Find out what you’re worth.  Get laid a little.  Find out what getting laid is worth. 

The moral is if you accept defeat before you even get into the game, you’ll always find yourself at the starting point when everyone else has humped their way to victory with a water-based lube.  Do you really want to be the only dry virgin waiting at the starting line when everyone else has experienced their climax several times and moved on to the next big thing?  If you’re afraid to crawl from beneath that rock and head on over to the boom boom room, then you deserve to be living in a basement.  Quitters never win for a damn reason and the only critters who should feel sorry for your ass are the roaches you board as roommates for taking up their space in the dark.  

Normally I would end by saying that 90% of any effort is getting started.  However in this case, it’ll probably take more effort to finish doing the nothing you started out with while everything else passes you by.

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Quote of the week:    “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

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Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”