Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    

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Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

I’d Love to Stay and Chat But I’d Rather Choke On My Own Fist

Let’s talk about annoying people who won’t realize enough is enough.  People who use every excuse in the book to hold on to nothing and then harp about it to anyone who’ll listen. 

People who fall into the category of:

  • folks who worry about their relationships falling apart;
  • folks who blow their money on frivolous things and ironically never have the money to pay back that they owe you; or
  • folks who are unhappy with their jobs but are too lazy or complacent to look for a new one.   

It’s not the issues that make the pills hard to swallow.  It’s the complaining.  We’re all guilty of bearing the harsh reality of life.  Generally the first instinct in any person’s mind when facing a dilemma, is usually the decision that person will act on, but only after he/she has exploited all of their personal problems to any and every listening ear.  These people are blinded by their own veil of self pity, self doubt, and self absorption.  

This just in: “NO ONE CARES!” 

Sit your ass down and drink a large cup of ‘get over yourself.’  You are not the only person with problems.  And just because you think your world is crashing down before your eyes, does not mean that everyone you tell will protect you from the falling sky.  In fact, you’re doing more damage to yourself than good by whining like a little sissy over the spilled milk on your side of the table.  Your bitching and moaning is sending all of your potential help running for the hills with their hands waving in the air. 

Your excessive “what ifs” and “what should I dos” are nothing more than cries for attention since you’re not getting that attention from the object of your affection.  What you are doing is making everyone around you suffer because someone was smart enough to tell your dumb ass to shut the hell up and take that droning someplace else.   In actuality, most people would rather choke on their own fist than to listen to you go on and on about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with them, or a situation you can control or avoid. 

There are words for people like you: DRAMA QUEEN!   

Someone with a demanding or overbearing personality who tends to overreact to seemingly minor incidents.  Psychologists might describe a drama queen [or king, used less frequently] as a neurotic personality with histrionic tendencies, meaning they tend to become needlessly dramatic whenever order is disrupted.  Bottom line: a center stage hog; a spotlight thief; or someone desperately in need of attention.   In other words, A BIG ASS CRY BABY!    

If you are unfortunate enough to be sucked into a void of useless whimpering from an attention deprived stick in the mud, there are a few easy ways to get them to take a hike: 

  1. Ensure them that they are worth less than they are giving themselves credit for.  Stomp on their sense of pride and give them loads of false hope. 
  2. Stick your fingers in your ears and laugh uncontrollably every time you see them heading your way.  
  3. Set boundaries.  The real kind – using large sandbags and electrical fences.   
  4. Tell them it’s all their fault.  Blame the world’s problems on them: America’s budget problems; the trouble over in Haiti; Jessica Simpson’s stalled career.  Nobody’s fault but the person whose getting on your mutha-effin’ nerves. 

If you happen to be one of those annoying people who feel it best to dump all of your depressing problems on to the next one, then do yourself a favor and take a long trip.  A permanent one would be nice, but probably too much to ask for — that is unless the trip you’ve chosen to take is a Carribean cruise.  In that case, to take your mind off all of your current problems, pretend that the cruise ship is the Titanic.  And don’t stop pretending until you’ve played out the most dramatic scene – THE END

So let’s recap here:  Stop dumping your issues on other people.  Why?  Because no one gives a sh*t.   You’re the only person who has the power to change your situation.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started

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Quote of the week:   “The life we lead must be worth living.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 3-9, 2010

Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover.  Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass.  Watch out for a bitch named Karma.  She has a mean left hook.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything.  Wear bright colors.  They look better with the color of “ass.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Dress in layers.  The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You win some.  You lose some.  And some you just give up on. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you.  Way to go!  You sure know how to pick ‘em. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Two things are demanding your attention.  You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose.  Put all of your energy into personal hygiene. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper].  You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up.  No one wants your advice or your opinion.  Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason.  Try new things. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

“Boring” is soooo last year.  Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week.  You will be commended on your  free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into.  It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught.  Watch your back. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”

Things Men Hate: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

THINGS MEN HATE: A Fail-Safe Relationship Buzz Kill

From a Male Perspective

House RulesLadies, have you ever wondered why a guy is just not that into you?  Well I’m going to do you a favor and give you a quick glimpse of the most common mistakes women make that runs a guy off into the night like a bull chasing an armadillo.  Listen closely.  This advice just may save your relationship!   

It is said that we meet people for a reason; that every person serves a purpose for coming into our lives.  So what the hell does that mean?   Most women spend their entire lives trying to figure out what this purpose is, totally missing out on the adventures of learning.  Here’s a tip that should help make your life a little less complicated.  Relax.  Everything will happen in its due time, so let it.  Stop waiting.  Stop expecting.  Stop forcing, and just relax.  I can’t say this enough.  This is RULE #1.

Tied UpGuys don’t want to be hog-tied in the first trimester of a relationship.  There’s no need to lay it on too thick.  When you meet a guy, don’t assume that he’s ‘the one’ right away.  Ease up on the over-excessive phone calls and txt messages.  Stop expecting him to come to your house every evening. …and for goodness sake, don’t go screwing things up by introducing him to your family and all your friends.  This is an instant red flag – a prime example of gripping your man by the balls and squeezing tightly until he screams like a little old b*tch.  Introductions to your family and friends scream formality and commitment.  It also implies that you’re spilling all the juicy details of your personal business.  Don’t do this!  I repeat: DON’T do this! 

Nine times out of ten, a man hasn’t taken the opportunity to get to know you as well as you’d think or hope.  He’s too busy enjoying the perks of a new woman on his arm or in his bed.  In this stage of the game, there’s no pressure and he is looking forward to seeing you again, provided your face does not resemble the bottom of his shoe. 

chaseKeep in mind that men like to be in control.  Give us a chance to chase you.  It’s alright to play a little game of cat and mouse, especially in the beginning of a new relationship.  And if you think about it, it benefits you as well.  Not being so leach-like will give you an opportunity to see just how much we’re in to you (…on our terms, not yours). 

Don’t crap this up: Enjoy the ride.  It won’t be new forever so appreciate it now.  If you want to keep your relationship fresh, take my advice and relax.  Back the hell off and keep plenty of beer in your refrigerator.     

No PressureNot applying pressure to your relationship, as you would foundation to your face, will give your fling a chance to breathe.   It will keep things between you and your man smooth and light.  Men enjoy as little complication as possible.  We like situations that don’t require too much thinking or responsibility.  We are carefree.  We ride on the wind; we are the breeze in the air.  We like to appreciate a situation for what we can see and touch.  Most women explore deeper than that.  Women search for the meaning of a situation.  To you, everything has a reason.  If a man doesn’t call you, you want to know ‘why’, ‘what did you do’, ‘who was he with’…you’re not relaxing. 

Not StupidRULE #2, nobody’s stupid.  Contrary to what you believe, all men are not stupid.  You may insist that we do nothing but play mind games with you, but believe me when I say that we know you play them too.  You test us.  You ask us the same question repeatedly in many variations.  You seek direction from your friends, inviting them into something that you should only be sharing with us.  You use your feminine wilds to seduce us and persuade our thinking.  You try to make us jealous.  You get angry at us for no reason, in hopes that we’ll offer a confession to something you believe we’re guilty of.  You’ll even stop speaking to us to guilt us into a well of shame. 

Your obsession with monitoring the direction and intensity of a relationship will take over the free spirit of what you and your lover began with.  You have a need to know where the union is headed next.  Soon your clock will start ticking. 

Cease to take control of the reins and let nature do the driving.  When you demand too much control, you relinquish your desire to relax, therefore scratching the sandpaper against the pavement of your romantic journey.   

Shut up 1Sharing is good, but not too much.  RULE #3 ladies.  We love to see you.  We love to hear how your day is going, but there is no need to cram a novel’s worth of information down our throats as soon as you get a chance.  Give us a break.  We are under a lot of pressure, too.  It’s not necessary to give us the details of your brand new BCBG dress or your DKNY shoes.  We don’t care about what your coworker’s neighbor said to the gardener who lives around the corner from some old lady’s church pastor. 

 Shut up 2The more details you give, the deeper the hole you dig for our interest.  “Shut up…” is what we’re thinking.  After about 30 seconds, our attention span has moved on to something else.  You are now wasting your breath and annoying the hell out of us.  Besides, the more you share, the more you’ll want us to share.  Men are private by nature.  We are protectors of our own.  We are shielded and guarded like tortoises in a pit.  We do not share the details of our lives because we must guard them as if we were in a war; a battle for survival. 

It is important to let a man let down his guard for you.  If you aim all of your ammunition at us, you are not breaking us down.  You are forcing us to assess the strategy of your offense.  Stop asking questions and let the answers unfold.   Bottom line…know when to the shut the hell up! 

What I’ve given you are the top three fail-safe relationships rules.   Following these rules will get you past the three-month mark.   Let’s review:

  1. Relax.
  2. Don’t assume all men are stupid.
  3. Know when to shut up.   

If you’ve kept up with this far, then you have a head start in the dating game, fresh from a man’s perspective.  Because I like to see people happy and their relationships healthy, I’m going to give you a few more tips on how to avoid f*cking up a good thing with a man.  It’s a fairly short list, considering we are not that complicated however, this little insight may save you a lot of lonely Friday nights.  

To avoid eating a slice of “Men’s Chocolate Layered Hate” cake:  

  • Do not ask what we are thinking.

thinking 2If we want you to know what we’re thinking, we’ll tell you.  Asking us what is on our minds does not make us want to share it with you.  You are violating our space.  You are breaking down our wall.  You are throwing live hand grenades at us in hopes to destroy our hardened shell that we were all born with.  You are grabbing our nuts and removing our manhood to transfer it yourselves.  Stop.  Think about what you are doing or consider the lie  you will tell your friends about your upcoming breakup. 

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  •  Do not ask us about our bills. 

billsHow do I even say this gently?  Mind your damn business!  Asking us about our bills is intrusive, rude and not respected.  We would rather drink live snake venom than to discuss our bills with you.  We know this is a way that most people get into the amount of their mate’s bank account to calculate the next few years of their life.  RED FLAG ALERT:  This is a dead give away that you are obvious, sneaky and nosy and you must be destroyed. 

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  •  Do not ask too many questions. 

questionsBy nature we do stupid things like ignore traffic signals, run old people over with our cars or knock off liquor stores.  The less you know, the safer you are and the happier we’ll be.  Each day that we have not been pulled over by the police or confronted by our supervisors is a day of relief.  Please do not ruin a good day by asking us the details of any situation we tried so hard not to tell you, to begin with.  As in Rule #3, know when to shut the f*ck up! 

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  •  Do not reach for our food or ask to share our plate. 

hands off 1If you value the use of your fingers, you will not reach for anything off our plates.  This includes French fries, pickles, potato chips and shrimp.  When we take you out to dinner, whether it’s a 5-star dine-in eatery with French wine or the corner fast food drive-thru, where you can super-size your order, here’s your chance to order anything you want off the menu.  If something intrigues you off our plate, then that’s what you should order the next time we go out.  Cannon balling your fingers into our plate is rude, insensitive and unsanitary.  Do not do it.  It is mean and thoughtless and we will not forgive you for it. 

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  •  Do not ask us to move in.

privacyWe enjoy our own space.  We want to be able to leave our dirty socks all over the house and not have to worry about your asking us to clean it up.  We like to eat bologna sandwiches and leave the toilet seat up and we relish in our moments of silence – free of questions, obsessions, nagging and sappy emotions.  We pride ourselves in our control over the sports channel and porn.  Grant us our privacy.  Do not sink us in the river with weights by asking us to listen to your whiny voices and force upon our eyes, the wretched sight of you without makeup and mismatched rollers in your hair.

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  •  Do not leave anything at our house.

innocent 2We hate this!  You know damn well what you are doing.  We are well aware that you are marking your territory; setting booby traps just in case another female crosses our threshold.  What you do not know is that we prepare for this.  We have infrared scanning tools to detect suspicious activity, such as this.  Every man also owns a secret vault to hide your left-behinds.  

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  •  Do not ask us to pick up your personal feminine products.

padsNothing says “insult his manhood” more than asking a man to pick up your personal female products from the store.  I don’t think any further explanation is quite needed here.  If you want to ensure that your lover does not go off and jump in front of a bus, do not ask him to commit this relationship crime. 

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  • Do not say, “I love you” too soon. 

dontlovemeWe are probably unsure if our involvement with you will last three months, especially if you have defied any of the above mentioned most hated violations.  Saying that you love us is equivalent to drawing a shotgun.  If we love you, we will tell you at our own pace.  Do not attempt to speed up the “I love you’s.”  It will not change the perception of what we feel.  Slow down, be patient and let us express our emotions to you.  Booty calls are our weakness.  Instead of telling us you love us, wear sexier lingerie and perform tricks that will make our toes curl.  This is a much safer and appreciated approach to the lovey-dovey bulls*hit. 

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             In conclusion ladies, stop putting a timer and a lo-jack on the relationship.  Chill out and see where things go.  Find out what you could be in store for.  It could be a fun ride.  The fun part isn’t arriving at your destination.  It’s the journey getting there. 

I hope I haven’t offended too many women out there in reader-land.  To all who have learned something, and for those of you who haven’t learned a damn thing, come back anytime to check me out.  As long as it’s before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone before then, I’ll cut your ass.  You can bet your bottom dollar on that. 

Until next time my little stale packs of M&Ms.   Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started! 

 

Quote of the week:     “You can lead a dog to a toilet, but you can’t teach him to sh*t there.”

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