Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body. Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another. You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion. Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal:
“Better to let it out and be ashamed
Than to hold it back and bust a vein!”
Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy. Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.
I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues. What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point? It’s no fun. After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E. Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound! Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love. Own up to it. Hell, I do. I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.
Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below. If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.
FOODS TO AVOID:
Avoid nothing! Eat any damn thing you want. That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet. There are no repercussions; no second thoughts. Just enjoy the moment. And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead. …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie.
INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”:
People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight. Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color. If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good? Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar. Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen. We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.
I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham. You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full. And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that. Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.
Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand. In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger! So on that note — peace out ya’ll! I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy.
Nom Nom Nom
Quote of the week: “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.”
Not every week can be as good as the last but there’s always fun in finding out what’s in store.
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
Take heed. Knowledge is power.
December 22 – January 19
It’s not a good thing if your fingers look like you’ve been changing oil all day.
January 20 – February 18
Put your feet in the right place, then stand strong. Just make sure you’re not walking your dog at the time. NobodyLikesASh_ttyFoot.com
February 19 – March 20
Having toenails like a garden rake is not sexy.
March 21 – April 19
It’s probably time to change your perfume/cologne if the scent of a backed-up toilet is the first thing people smell when you walk through the door.
April 20 – May 20
If you can draw a ‘Hop Scotch’ template on concrete with the heel of your foot, something’s definitely wrong.
May 21 – June 20
As long as you’re happy expecting nothing, you’ll never be disappointed.
June 21 – July 22
Age doesn’t protect you from love.
July 23 – August 22
Blame someone else for all of your mistakes. Wear comfortable shoes.
August 23 – September 22
If you think you’re going out of your mind at work, you are. A cubicle is nothing more than a padded cell without a door.
September 23 – October 22
Whatever the law is that prohibits you from being wrong only exists in that little box that you live in.
October 23 – November 21
Don’t leave your lunch on the side of a public restroom sink.
November 22 – December 21
Beware of cross-dressing midgets.
Quote of the Week: “If Harry Potter is so magical, why can’t he cure is own eye sight?”
As much as we’d all like to think, no one is perfect. That includes yours truly AND public metro. This week I have the less-than-fun privilege of traveling the roads of the underground ghetto. The world known to most commoners as the subway system.
The subway system isn’t just a land full of grumpy caffeine-pumped workaholics and disrespectful school kids that curse out old people before stepping foot onto school grounds. It’s also a place where people go to get their purses snatched, where trains go to rest during the rush hour and where stupid and/or clumsy people accidentally fall into the train tracks. It could be quite a fun experience if you’re able to omit the violence, accidental deaths, schedule delays, train collisions and hiked fares.
With all the chaos of the morning, afternoon and evening rush, in addition to the uncertainty of your safety when night has covered the bright sky, metro officials seem to be charging its commuters more money to cover up their lack of proficiency and expectancy. Personally I never took interest in this situation because I have pigeon wings on the soles of my shoes. But it just so happened that while I was strolling along in a wrong place at a wrong time, one of my shoe wings was attacked by a savage stray alley cat, which of course caused temporary damage and is now preventing me from flying my ass to work. (#BitterSweet) But that’s a whole other story.
This morning, ass I sat uncomfortably between the smelly old guy who donned white socks and black dress shoes and the woman who had cookie crumbs out of her cleavage, I learned something about myself. I learned that I’d probably be a little more open to poking my eyes out with a spork [half spoon-half fork] versus sitting on a crowded ass train with a band of weirdos. Beam me up, Scottie. I don’t belong here!
Trying desperately not to punch the old guy in his big toe or stare at the woman’s chunky crumbed breasts, I dreaded the end of my metro experience as the voice from the loud speaker informed me that the escalators weren’t working at my destination point. Naturally, I thought this was a perfect end to a hellacious trip. “Dear Metro, you need to get this sh*t together.” It’s so hard to believe that a system so seasoned to perfection can be so bland in flavor.
The underground ghetto, aka the subway, is a very unpredictable place. You never know what awaits you at the next [station] stop: an electrical fire; the country western polka group playing a small concert to uninterested spectators; the wino who hopped the metro gate; or the ungrateful employees that complain very loudly about their dead-end jobs.
As entertaining as it may be to witness the sights of metro’s public access riders, no truer phrase comes to mind than that old saying that goes, “It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
Quote of the week: “Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any curse words.”