Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

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All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

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Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.” 

Second Half-Year Review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010

Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010.  When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy!  [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far]. 

It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of.  And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast.  Why?  The answer is simple.  Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.  

So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with. 

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People who start off every sentence with, “I.”

Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish. 

And that’s putting it mildly.

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People who look like their pets. 

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog  — I mean like their dog.  They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike. 

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People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months. 

Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all.  That’s what makes them so damn funny.  They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.  

The joke’s on you, skank! 

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Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen. 

Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass! 

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Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed. 

As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again.  And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.

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People who fart at the dinner table. 

Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass? 

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People who don’t tell you your fly is open. 

These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment. 

However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness

That’s right.  I said it.  Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!? 

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People who are consumed by their cell phones.    

It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t.   As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not.  You’re not fooling anybody.

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People who can’t lie right. 

When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it. 

P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side.  It’s like being picked last for kickball. 

“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy.  A bad liar is good for nothing.” 

Words to live by. 

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People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays. 

…for obvious reasons, of course. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”

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Lindsay Lohan.  …again, for obvious reasons. 

If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year.   Why can’t this winch get her life together?  Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity?   Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing. 

(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.) 

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People who think showing their fat rolls is cute. 

If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better. 

Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls.  Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down. 

Now excuse me while I go puke. 

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Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.    

If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection.  But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves.  And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway. 

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Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk. 

Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones.  For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you! 

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Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food. 

Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window. 

I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less. 

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People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.

I have only one thing to say to you:

“KARMA’S A BITCH!” 

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Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street. 

<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words. 

BEEP BEEP Motherfu****! 

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People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube. 

Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.  

As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________

I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t.  But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler. 

Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself.  But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. 

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Quote of the week:   “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 3-9, 2010

Handle your problems and handle with care in comfort in knowing Hottywood will be there; standing close by to answer your call when your luck for the better takes a clumsy fall. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Watch your back.  You will be bombarded with hate mail from people to whom you owe money.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Unibrows are making a comeback. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

This is a good week for setting mouse traps while wearing open-toed shoes.  Especially if you have ugly feet. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The truth shall set you free.  Be honest with someone even if it means lying to them.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s no reason to argue with anyone as long as you believe you’re right.  Anything beyond that is a waste of time.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Settle any problem with a pair of inflatable boxing gloves.   Insert visual [–>HERE<–].

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Today is a good day to start a new habit.  End every sentence and question with the word, “Dammit.” 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean no one’s out to get you.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Looking for love in all the wrong places may be wrong, but it sure is fun.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Don’t trust a woman with hair on her breasts.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Take pictures of yourself during an office staff meeting.  Wardrobe changes add a dramatic effect. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to play a little game.  Stand really close to people and sniff them sporadically.  Try to guess what kind of deotorant they’re wearing.

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Quote of the Week:   “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 19-25, 2010

The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”  

 

If the Skin Fits…

Being comfortable in your own skin is never easy to do, no matter who may try to convince you otherwise.  It’s not impossible, by far.  For some it’s a skill that they were born with.  For others, it takes a lifetime to learn.  And sadly there are those who never find their comfort zone.  It doesn’t lessen who you are.  In fact, treading on unfamiliar territory within yourself pushes you into a determination to find something better for and within yourself.  The trick is finding that something for the purpose and benefit for you, though.  Not for anyone else. 
 
People will try to pull out a better you for them.  They’ll try to mold you into what they think you should be.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all for malicious intent.  You may think so if you’re not one of those kinds of people who are acclimated to criticism and change, but if you spend too much time worrying about who is not happy with who and how you are, you’ll never find the time to change what you’re not happy with about yourself. 
 
Sometimes you just may have to listen to other people’s proposals because believe it or not, their very suggestions may be just what you need to be contented with you.  Keep in mind that I said “sometimes,” because there are definitely those moments where you have to be strong enough to say “F*ck what you think. This is who I am; like or leave it.”  But when you think about it, if you’re strong enough to tell someone to “f*ck off,” how insecure are you really?  Does your insecurity become a game of mind over matter or are you just lucky enough to run across that one person whose mastered skill is to convince you that you are not as good as you are…or need to be? 
 
The bottom line is that you have all the answers you need to answer all the questions that have you second-guessing yourself, but you need to be the one to ask those questions.  Don’t leave it up to someone else.  Because if you leave it up to them, they can put you in a much darker place than you’d be without their help.  Being at ease within your own skin doesn’t mean making someone else comfortable with you.  That’s false advertisement and you’d only be selling yourself short.  No one’s going to pay that price but you.  What it does mean is that you have to develop thicker skin.  This is probably a good time to suggest lathering your body in shellac, but truth be told that’s probably not environmentally safe, so that only leaves you to do it the old-fashioned way — toughen up, Jack!   You came into this world by yourself – unless you’re a twin, triplet, quadruplet, quintuplet…you get my point so that’s probably not a good analogy.  Ah screw it.  In the game of life, it’s generally every man for himself.  And if you don’t have the chops to be who you are, even confident in your own insecurities, then chances are you’re screwed and you just need to sit your weak ass down.  I’m just kidding.  …a little bit of tough love. 
 
Using that example, though, I bet you wanted to tell me to go shove it (you better not, but I bet you wanted to).  That’s the inner strength you need to tap into in order to be complacent with being who you are for you.  Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  People are going to have perceptions about you whether they make it known or not, but if you had to choose between them and yourself, who would you put first?  The only answer should be “you.”  If it’s not, then try harder.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  As long as there’s comfort in knowing that bit of truth, your victory is just around the corner, along with the satisfaction of telling your nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo, bitches.”

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Quote of the week:   “No one will have faith in you if you don’t have it within yourself.” 

The “I” in Me, Myself and I

Everyone has experienced those types of folks who think they are better than everyone else.  You know who I’m talking about.  Generally, the people who used to be popular in high school, who are no longer as popular as the world told them they would be.  The very same people who are now grown, forgettable, working average jobs and are getting paid minimum wage at most. 

Somehow in their own little delusional world, everything still revolves around them.  As much as we want to point our fingers and laugh at the mistake they’ve made of thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, some part of us, a part maybe the size of a mustard seed, can’t help but to acknowledge their commitment in being rightfully shallow and arrogant about their own greatness.  If there’s one thing we can take from these people, it’s the fact that they understand there is an “I” in “me, myself & I.”    

  • I am the best!”   
  • I can do no wrong!”
  • I don’t need you to agree because your opinion doesn’t matter.”   

To us, those people may not amount to a hill of beans but they are confident enough to believe otherwise.

Like all the supercilious folks on the planet, we need to find the confidence within ourselves to admit that we are special, different, and perfect in our own eyes because no one else will.  Everyone else is too busy being as special as we are and even more so consumed with reminding us why we don’t match up to their personal expectations of us

There’s one thing that we all fail to realize.  Everyone has flaws.  It kind of levels the playing field, don’t you think?  You may not have as many flaws as the next person but you do have them.  You just have to know how to make them work for you.  And if you can’t, then you really have to know how to do one of two things: 

  1. Pin point the flaws of others and make them sound a hundred times worse than they actually are, or
  2. Be clever enough not to show the public that your flaws are as embarrassing as people make them out to be.  In other words, know when and how to lie. 

Embrace your crooked teeth, split ends and small wardrobe.  Your shortcomings are a part of you that makes you different from the next person.  It is what makes you memorable — unless you have bad B.O. (body odor).  There is no walking away from that. 

So the next time someone walks up and says to you, “You think you’re all that,” you respond to them, “Yes I do.  Thank you for noticing.”  It doesn’t take that much to be a part time egotistical, conceited mutha-effer who doesn’t think his own sh*t stinks.  90% of any effort is getting started.  Try a little harder and f*ck what anyone else thinks!   The world is your oyster.  Use the shell to throw at all the ugly people who are way less important than you are and remember — Hottywood Helps!   

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Quote of the week:   “To attempt to advise conceited people is like whistling against the wind.”

  

 

You Can Not Be Mislead If You Follow Your Own Steps

Good morning class.  Today we’ll be discussing stupid muthaf*ckers who insist on asking your opinion on matters that are just as stupid as the person who’s inquiring your input, but don’t appreciate your response. 

They’re out there.  Everywhere.  Sometimes self absorbed, often times ignorant to their own ignorance.  They are people who need validation to continue to be politically incorrect.  Oh what the hell…let’s not beat around the bush.  They are people who need validation to continue to be effin’ stupid.  They ask for your advice, opinion, or thoughts on a matter that they know in their heart and soul makes no sense and then judge and criticize you for the answer that you give, leaving you to ponder the thought, “What the hell did you ask me for?”  

Those very people will bore you with the details of their bad choices and try their damnedest to convince you they are right, all the while being more than hypocritical to the fact they don’t have all the answers – at least none of the right ones…or in most cases, the answers that are interesting enough to entertain.  

You can save your breath in offering up intelligent words of advice.  For the most part, they aren’t going to listen to you any way.  Just send them to a generic website or something and let them argue with the computer.  Now that would be more entertaining to witness.  If that doesn’t work, you can always stuff a sack of potatoes in their mouth and watch them choke on the skins.  Again, entertainment at its best.   Whatever you decide to do, it’d be better than having someone argue the very thoughts they practically begged you for.  And there would be no better payback for the person who wasted your time telling you about some issue you probably didn’t care about in the first place.     

So the next time a person asks for your opinion and then catches some devilish attitude for the answer you provide, there are a few options you can consider: 

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Punching them.

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Karate chopping them.

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Shoving them down a flight of stairs.

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Torpedoing a cake in their face.

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Tying them up and dangling them over a rooftop.

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Feeding them to sharks, or

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Unleashing a pack of belly-filled pigeons and watching them bird-sh*t all over the culprit.

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These considerations are a load of fun and only require a little effort on your part to make sure that very same fool won’t make the mistake of asking for your advice again.  If you keep in mind that 90% of any effort is getting started, you’ll realize nothing is impossible. 

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Quote of the week:    “Life can be summed up in three words: ‘It Goes On.’”

Office Etiquette: Listening to Death

There are certain etiquette rules one must follow when working in an office environment.  For instance, when you belch you should really say, “Excuse me.”  The same is true when you let out an obtrusive passing of the ass.  Sure, you may not want to.  You may not even care.  But it’s just the proper thing to do.  Think of it like walking downtown with your clothes on.  You probably would prefer to be naked but politics and the law, make the task simply daunting, and being the good law-abiding citizen that you are — who only holds up liquor stores on the weekends — you must play by the rules.

Unfortunately, no matter how many envelope openers you may want to throw at your coworkers, you can not fault them for following traditional office setting protocol. Asking someone how they’re doing is a standard act for anyone who’s an active part of the working community.  The easy part is replying with a simple one-worded sentence which usually sums up the description of your mood – “Fine,” followed by an annoyed gasp of breath and a look that could melt butter.  The hard part, on the other hand, is listening to that very same coworker volunteer an update on how they’re doing [or feeling]; “volunteering” being the operative word here.  There is nothing worse than listening to someone go and on about something that you care nothing about.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you should care about the stories that boring clod is telling you?  Most average working class people really don’t want to hear all the blah blah about their officemate’s night before.  They don’t want to hear about the long drive into the office or the report analysis that’s going to be discussed in further detail in the next staff meeting.   They don’t even want to hear the lame ass jokes that are guaranteed not to make you laugh.  What they do want is to be left the hell alone!  They want to be at peace with their coffee and their personal email.  They want to avoid the phony relationships, the hierarchy of supervisors and the constant telephone calls that never end.  In fact, having to speak to customers on the phone should be the only time uninteresting stories are bombarded on anyone at the office.  The average person spends 60% of their workday on the phone putting out fires in someone else’s shattering life.  The gripes, grievances, sob stories and fragmented inquiries almost drives a person to wanting to start a fire – burn that office building to the mutha-effin’ ground!

Though starting a blazing fire may be too extreme for some workers, there are other things you can do to avoid the death-like stories of your colleagues, who deem themselves an extended part of your family, considering you spend more time at the office than you do in your own home.

(1) You can rip off your ears and hand them over to whoever refuses to shut the hell up.  That way they can finish talking while you are deaf to all the world around you.

(2) You can snatch the lips right off their face and leave them on top of the water cooler.  Pulling this trick off may offend the person talking, but in the end they’ll thank you.  People do most of their chatting at the water cooler, anyway.

(3) You can take a gun and blow a hole in the side of your head.   That’ll save the undesirable chatter-box from talking you to death.

Smacking them and calling them out of name may be your first thought, but it would also be your one-way ticket to the unemployment office.   However, if you’re planning on quitting the job anyway, you have nothing to lose!  Also, don’t rule out running away from the conversation with your hands waving in the air or something as simple as passing out.  Slamming your head into a wall is also a good way to indiscreetly give someone the hint that you’d enjoy a stomach ache more than the conversation at hand.  Listening to the intricate details of someone’s boring life is just way too much to ask first thing in the morning.  Whatever way you decide to make your quick grand exit from listening to someone talk you to death, just keep in mind that it will require a little effort on your part.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the Week:    “42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 28-March 6, 2010

This week holds a lot to be desired in the form of chicken wings and stripper poles.  Rest assured that that’s the highlight of what’s in store for you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t go out with anyone named Bruno, especially if Bruno is a woman. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Putting cologne on your underarms is not going to solve your immediate onion-scented problem.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will have a strange compulsion to touch someone’s nipple.  They will have a strange compulsion to punch you.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It may be time to clip your toenails if they keep getting caught in the rug while you’re still wearing shoes. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

If your name has a vowel in it, you need to shave your back.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

1 + 1 = 11 only when booze is involved and you’re seeing double OR if you’re just stupid and failed math all throughout school.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You can avoid the law if you stay away from overly perky people whose sex lives are more active than yours. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You are your own boss.  You can fire yourself, but trust and believe you’ll pay yourself double to come back to work. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Anyone who lies for you will lie to you.  And that’s no lie. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Someone will confide in you.  The best advice you can offer is, “Na na na boo boo.” 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You don’t have to worry about giving out any fake telephone numbers because no one is going to ask you for it anyway. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Whoever said, “All good things must come to an end,” never had sex with you. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.”