Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

__________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

***

All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

***

Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

________________________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.” 

Mixed Messages of Animated Debauchery

We are about to explore some uncovered territory in the form of animated debauchery.  Let the truth be told, I really don’t know who has it worse – kids of yesteryear or the children of today. 

There are so many limitations on what the average drunken, horny or outright imbecilic person can watch on television that the FCC hasn’t bothered to take a look at what’s been viewed on the Cartoon Network or the Boomerang channel for the last umpteen years.  Let’s begin with a blast from the past, shall we? 

< INSERT HUMOR HERE >

THE SMURFS

Smurfette – Everybody loves those blue little rodents that are no bigger than a fungus plant.  But has anyone ever bothered to wonder what the smurfs do for fun?  I’ll tell you what they do for fun.  They do Smurfette!   C’mon.  Think about it.  A hot, feisty, blond-haired blue-bodied female smurf in a village full of men and she has NO competition? 

Why do you think the smurfs sing that La-La-La song all the damn time?  Don’t you feel like singing the morning after you’ve gotten laid?  And where did the baby smurfs come from?  Let’s face it.  Smurfette is Papa Smurf’s #1 bitch and he’s making a killing off of pimping her out to all the other little blue dudes.  And Gargamel keeps attacking them because he can’t get any.  Either that or he’s just trying to shut them up from all that moaning and groaning they have going on in the mushroom village.  And speaking of mushrooms, isn’t that a form of a euphoric drug – kinda like E-pills?  Hmmmmm…  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  Talk about a natural high.  Geez. 

__________________________________________________________

SCOOBY DOO

Scooby Doo & Shaggy – First and foremost there’s nothing worse than a scaredy-cat dog.  Not only was the Scooby gang too stupid to make a profit off of solving ridiculous crimes, they weren’t bright enough to put Scooby’s ass to work.  I mean seriously, how many talking mutts do you know?  Scooby was an ol’ punk and freakishly close to Shaggy.  They cuddled.  They hugged.  They even drank from the same cup.  Scooby Doo and Shaggy introduced young, impressionable minds to the world of bestiality.  They probably confused more poor kids than they did entertain.  And to be honest with you, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for a Scooby Snack.  And Shaggy was the first person to start that Scooby snack craze; something similar to tainted brownies. 

__________________________________________________________

SESAME STREET

Big Bird – Big Bird had to be the gayest flamer on Sesame Street.  He was just one big old queen.  His voice was higher than a dog whistle and his body was covered in an oversized yellow boa.  He’d have probably worn high heels if he wasn’t so frikkin’ tall, but hey, that never stopped Dennis Rodman.  Gay or not, he somehow managed to keep his big ass on the red carpet.  Go figure! 

Well Big Bird, the only advice I can offer you is to watch out for greedy chicken lovers.  Cause your sexuality will have no baring on a mofo’s plate if you apply the right amount of flour, grease, salt and pepper.   

__________________________________________________________

LOONEY TUNES

Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny — Daffy and Bugs are two of televisions most favorite cartoons.  They’re both extremely witty and probably two of the coolest talking animals you’d ever want to be scared to hang out with.  But despite their hilarious practical jokes, crunchy carrots and spit induced clever comments; this competing rabbit and duck act are some very butch cross-dressers.  They’re not gay…well, when they’re not kissing the non-talking – Elmer Fudd – on the lips before running for their lives… 

And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay.  You are who you are, whether you’re a man, woman, duck or bunny rabbit; but I’m not convinced on the cross-dressing thing.  That’s just down right confusing.  And somehow getting a duck or a rabbit to wear 4” heels isn’t helping to make the ‘drag thing’ a catchy phenomenon in the hetero arena, especially when your viewing audience is a bunch of impressionable school-aged kids.  That’s all folks. 

__________________________________________________________

FAMILY GUY

Stewie Griffin — What can we not say about little Stewie Griffin from Family Guy?  He’s a genius, slightly narcissistic toddler with a deep rooted hatred for his mom and sister; has a bit of a retro racist flare and an adolescent sexual confusion for both genders.  Can you get any more classic than that?  

But despite his hang-ups, one thing you must say about the little bugger is that he always speaks his mind and keeps it real…whether he’s right or politically incorrect.  And let’s not omit the fact that he has got to be the most humorous little thing on TV.  

Now on the flip side, Stewie sends out a message to toddlers who happen to be well-spoken geniuses that it’s okay to be narcissistic and hate everything and everyone that isn’t like-minded.  He also carries all the characteristics of a potential serial killer.  But then again, I guess you don’t have to be a Stewie Griffin for that.  Off the top of my head, I can name about 10 mofos just like that, minus a talking canine companion and a baby stroller.  I guess it’s just funnier in crayon.

__________________________________________________________

We could probably go on and on with a list of questionable cartoons that we allow our kids to watch that are really no different from 2004’s Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Superbowl XXXVIII fiasco.  

But I guess as long as kids are quiet and out of a guardian’s hair long enough to talk on the phone, skim through pages of a dirty magazine or sneak a few extra cheese curls down their throats, there’s no real cause for concern.  I mean there are only a few kabillion children in the world…a great deal of them with access to television.  Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.   o_O

It doesn’t take 90% of any effort to get started to realize that something’s not right here. 

__________________________________________________________

Quote of the Day:    “The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.”

Second Half-Year Review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010

Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010.  When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy!  [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far]. 

It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of.  And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast.  Why?  The answer is simple.  Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.  

So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with. 

_________________________________________________________

People who start off every sentence with, “I.”

Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish. 

And that’s putting it mildly.

_________________________________________________________

People who look like their pets. 

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog  — I mean like their dog.  They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike. 

_________________________________________________________

People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months. 

Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all.  That’s what makes them so damn funny.  They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.  

The joke’s on you, skank! 

_________________________________________________________

Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen. 

Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass! 

_________________________________________________________

Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed. 

As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again.  And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.

_________________________________________________________

People who fart at the dinner table. 

Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass? 

_________________________________________________________

People who don’t tell you your fly is open. 

These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment. 

However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness

That’s right.  I said it.  Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!? 

_________________________________________________________

People who are consumed by their cell phones.    

It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t.   As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not.  You’re not fooling anybody.

_________________________________________________________

People who can’t lie right. 

When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it. 

P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side.  It’s like being picked last for kickball. 

“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy.  A bad liar is good for nothing.” 

Words to live by. 

_________________________________________________________

People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays. 

…for obvious reasons, of course. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”

_________________________________________________________

Lindsay Lohan.  …again, for obvious reasons. 

If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year.   Why can’t this winch get her life together?  Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity?   Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing. 

(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.) 

_________________________________________________________

People who think showing their fat rolls is cute. 

If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better. 

Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls.  Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down. 

Now excuse me while I go puke. 

_________________________________________________________

Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.    

If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection.  But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves.  And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway. 

_________________________________________________________

Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk. 

Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones.  For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you! 

_________________________________________________________

Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food. 

Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window. 

I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less. 

_________________________________________________________

People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.

I have only one thing to say to you:

“KARMA’S A BITCH!” 

_________________________________________________________

Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street. 

<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words. 

BEEP BEEP Motherfu****! 

_________________________________________________________

People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube. 

Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.  

As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________

I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t.  But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler. 

Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself.  But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 3-9, 2010

Handle your problems and handle with care in comfort in knowing Hottywood will be there; standing close by to answer your call when your luck for the better takes a clumsy fall. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Watch your back.  You will be bombarded with hate mail from people to whom you owe money.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Unibrows are making a comeback. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

This is a good week for setting mouse traps while wearing open-toed shoes.  Especially if you have ugly feet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The truth shall set you free.  Be honest with someone even if it means lying to them.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s no reason to argue with anyone as long as you believe you’re right.  Anything beyond that is a waste of time.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Settle any problem with a pair of inflatable boxing gloves.   Insert visual [–>HERE<–].

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Today is a good day to start a new habit.  End every sentence and question with the word, “Dammit.” 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean no one’s out to get you.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Looking for love in all the wrong places may be wrong, but it sure is fun.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Don’t trust a woman with hair on her breasts.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Take pictures of yourself during an office staff meeting.  Wardrobe changes add a dramatic effect. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to play a little game.  Stand really close to people and sniff them sporadically.  Try to guess what kind of deotorant they’re wearing.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.” 

What You Think Says A Lot More Than What You Say

During our transition from adolescence to adulthood, there are many key phrases that we may hear from our friends, associates, frenemies and/or enemies.  Some of those phrases can be labeled as good if we are stupid enough not to look deeper into the true meaning of its intent. 

Nevertheless, whether you have the word “Idiot” stamped on your forehead or not, Hottywood is always somewhere lurking around to make sure you’re not caught off guard the next time someone tries to pull the wool over your eyes.  

Buckle up, babies because I’m about to take you for a ride. 

__________________________________________________________

If your friends generally call you but never have anything to talk about, chances are you need to hide your cheese, ’cause I smell a rat!   What they’re really saying by not saying anything at all is:

“Just because I call to check on you doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

Whether you know it or not, just because someone is calling you doesn’t mean they have any interest in talking to you.  It’s just some people’s way of keeping you close by and on hand just in case they need you for something.  You should always keep an emergency excuse on reserve for those just-in-case moments. 

__________________________________________________________

It pays to be polite to people because you never know when you’re going to need them.  But being polite to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have to become their new BFF.  Now, let’s be real — when you ask someone how they’re doing, what are you really thinking?  I’ll tell you what you’re thinking:

“Just because I ask how your day is going doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

What idiot on the planet doesn’t know that the every day question, “Hey, how are you doing?” is a matter of robotic routine for anyone who doesn’t have the balls not to care to your face? 

__________________________________________________________

We all have friends who boast about their sex lives.  Honestly, meaningless, pointless sex with random strangers and partners in the double digits is just some people’s way of feeling needed and wanted.  To the rest of us who actually respect ourselves and our bodies as temples, those people are only good enough to keep around for a laugh as well as reminders of what not to do after one too many shots of tequila.   So why don’t you share with the class what crosses your mind when your slutty friend outlines all the details of their latest one-night stand.  I bet it goes a little something like this:  

“Just because I haven’t called you a skank outloud doesn’t mean I think you’re innocent, because I don’t.”

Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.  That way, in the end, blackmail will totally work in your favor.    

The better the listener, the better the blackmail. 

__________________________________________________________

Hey, money doesn’t grow on trees.  Having said that, not too many people are stupid enough to turn down a free meal.  That is until they’ve run across that one person whose cooking tastes like old hot dog water.  Just to be nice, we try to keep our thoughts [and our vomit] to ourselves.  But burning deep within our souls is the mere thought:

“Just because I haven’t thrown up off of your food doesn’t mean I like your cooking, because I don’t.”

A lot of people believe they can do what the universe say they can’t.  Things like: cook; sing; rap; work as cashiers; and serve us food at drive thru restaurants.  No matter what the trade, a chef holding a knife has more power than a critic holding a barf bag.

__________________________________________________________

Bad jokes are just as common as a bad cold.  And also just as annoying.  Unfortunately for us, many people will take a stab in the dark at trying to put a smile on our faces.  Too bad for them that they’ve succeeded in getting us to laugh, but we’re laughing AT them, not WITH them.  So the next time someone sets you up for a “knock-knock” joke, think before you speak.   

“Just because I faked a laugh at your corny ass joke doesn’t mean I think you’re funny, because I don’t.”

Usually, this act debuts on stages all over bad dates and any office where an employee awaits his/her manager to sign their paycheck.   

__________________________________________________________

It’s true;  a lot of people speak merely because they love the sound of their own voice.  On the other hand, we love to hear them speak because it reminds us that we’re not the most stupid person in the room, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  In contrast, there are some who offer their opinion even when we haven’t asked for it, and those people are usually single.  What’s the first thing a person thinks about when someone tries to shed some light on a situation that has nothing to do with them?   Here’s what I think:

“Just because I pretended your advice solved my problem doesn’t mean I think you know what you’re talking about, because I don’t.”

Chances are you talked so much until you confused yourself into accidentally making sense.  The good news is most people will take what they can get if it means shutting you up.   

You win some; you lose some.

__________________________________________________________

Acquaintances.  Everyone has one.  But it’s the acquaintances we know the least that we want to learn more about.  Why?  Because they are the folks that will give us more to talk about at all the gatherings they aren’t invited to.  Keeping that in mind, if someone comes to your party that you’ve never really associated with, here’s what’s really on their mind:

“Just because I came to your lame ass party doesn’t mean I want to hang out with you and your whack ass friends, because I don’t. ”

A lot of people will show up to parties just see how you live, whether it be grand like the lifestyle you hype up; or shabby, like the lifestyle most people expect from you. 

__________________________________________________________

People who don’t reveal when they catch you in a lie hold tightly to their leverage because they’re simply assessing your skills at being dishonest.   Any smart person knows that a liar is more valuable as an ally than they are as an enemy.  So when you’re lying through your teeth and someone knows it, what they’re really thinking is:

“Just because I haven’t pulled your card doesn’t mean I believe you’re telling the truth, because I don’t. ”

Not putting someone on the spot is just another way of finding out who and how they really are. 

Who ever said, “…the truth will set you free.”?

Oh, and if anyone ever questions your next overly animated story, look for the nearest exit, because a setup is sure to catch you at the next red light! 

__________________________________________________________

So now that you’ve heard a few tricks of the trade, I’m curious to know what you’re thinking?   And if I were you, I’d be honest with me.  Me, being an expert at what I’m sharing with you gives me an advantage.   Just because I hipped you to the game doesn’t mean I think you’ll win, because I don’t.   But I’ll give you an “A” for effort.  Because if you haven’t learned anything else, I’m sure you’ve learned that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

__________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Where secrecy reigns, carelessness hides.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 19-25, 2010

The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

______________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 12-18, 2010