Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Second Half-Year Review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010

Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010.  When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy!  [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far]. 

It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of.  And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast.  Why?  The answer is simple.  Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.  

So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with. 

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People who start off every sentence with, “I.”

Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish. 

And that’s putting it mildly.

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People who look like their pets. 

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog  — I mean like their dog.  They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike. 

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People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months. 

Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all.  That’s what makes them so damn funny.  They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.  

The joke’s on you, skank! 

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Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen. 

Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass! 

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Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed. 

As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again.  And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.

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People who fart at the dinner table. 

Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass? 

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People who don’t tell you your fly is open. 

These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment. 

However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness

That’s right.  I said it.  Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!? 

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People who are consumed by their cell phones.    

It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t.   As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not.  You’re not fooling anybody.

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People who can’t lie right. 

When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it. 

P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side.  It’s like being picked last for kickball. 

“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy.  A bad liar is good for nothing.” 

Words to live by. 

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People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays. 

…for obvious reasons, of course. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”

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Lindsay Lohan.  …again, for obvious reasons. 

If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year.   Why can’t this winch get her life together?  Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity?   Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing. 

(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.) 

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People who think showing their fat rolls is cute. 

If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better. 

Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls.  Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down. 

Now excuse me while I go puke. 

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Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.    

If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection.  But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves.  And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway. 

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Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk. 

Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones.  For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you! 

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Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food. 

Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window. 

I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less. 

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People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.

I have only one thing to say to you:

“KARMA’S A BITCH!” 

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Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street. 

<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words. 

BEEP BEEP Motherfu****! 

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People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube. 

Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.  

As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________

I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t.  But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler. 

Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself.  But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. 

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Quote of the week:   “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”