This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,

My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument last night over my attitude. Well apparently to her I had an attitude. To me, I was stressed out, horny and haven’t smoked any Mary Jane in about a week. Now she thinks there’s more to my last night’s mood than I told her. I want to get back in her good graces but I’m fearful that another argument will ensue because of her doubt in my truth. Help!

I Didn’t Mean To

Dear I Didn’t Mean To,

I most certainly can understand your reasons for bitching out on your girl. But I’m a man. Understanding my fellow brutha’s disgust over no ass or weed is in my DNA. It’s in every man’s DNA. Whatever you did, my brutha, I know you didn’t do it.  Continue reading

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Dear Hottywood,  

I just started messing with this girl. We’ve only been kicking it for a few days but things seem to be going fairly well. I got a text message from an ex who is in town for the day and wants to see me. I want to see her but I don’t want to mess things up with the new girl. What should I do? 

Mr. Player No More

Dear Mr. Player No More,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to follow your heart but I think you would do better listening to your gut. If you think there’s a chance that you could mess things up in your new relationship, then you probably shouldn’t take any chances. Besides, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you shouldn’t put one chick on hold who’s right up your alley to roll with another chick that’s nowhere near or from your neck of the woods.

Now let’s think about this for a minute. Your ex is in town for a day while your new girlfriend resides here. You do the math. You’d be one pissed off so and so if you spent time with your ex and wound up having the worst time ever. Or even worse, ended up screwing her and catching something you wouldn’t have caught had your ass not been trying to be slick. Also, telling your new girlfriend that you’re going to spend time with your ex is a conversation I would seriously advise against. And because you, like most men, would probably not tell her the real reason why you’d be ditching her, you’d most likely get caught up in a lie and wind up ass out and single all over again. That’s when your old ex would forever stop calling while your new ex would vow never to speak to you again.

From one man to another who’s thought with the wrong head – DON’T DO IT!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Since the recent hurricane was perfect weather for a booty call, I decided to step out for a hookup. I went to visit an old flame, which I dated briefly until we broke up (because I was soooo not interested). He on the other hand never lost interest [in me], so I knew hooking up with him was a sure thing. To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting the bus/train service to be suspended. I ended up being stuck with this guy all night. Now he calls and texts me nonstop as if we’re in a relationship. HELP! Make him leave me alone!  

Sandy

Dear Sandy, 

Before you can make the calls stop, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. You went out with a full intent to mess with a man’s head (no pun intended), and in the end you got stuck with the short end of the stick. I certainly hope you at least got what you wanted. I already know you got more than you bargained for. You ignored his desire to be with you on a higher level than “just” sex just so you could get your rocks off. It sounds to me as if Mother Nature wanted to teach you a lesson. So I guess everyone that was affected by Super Storm Sandy can thank your horniness for loss of power, flooding and a full city shut down. 

Now that we’ve both concluded that there are consequences for using your magical powers for personal gain, I can help you with your immediate problem. 

If this guy had feelings for you before you rode him into the sunset; you should know that it isn’t going to be easy to get him to stop calling you. You can tell him to stop but that never works. You can threaten him but he might like it. He may perceive your threats as a game of cat and mouse. In his eyes, you wouldn’t have f*cked him if you weren’t interested in him on some level. And some level is better than no level at all. 

Here are some ideas for you to consider: 

  1. Route your incoming calls to the nearest morgue. There’s no message more clear or permanent than death.
  2. If/When you answer his calls, respond to everything he says in your best handicapped pirate voice. If you can help it, drool out of the corners of your mouth. It’ll make your words much harder to understand.
  3. If/When you answer his calls, make sure you have a bag of corn chips nearby. Crunch in his ear during your entire conversation. If this doesn’t annoy him, it will piss him off and he’ll probably never want to speak to you again. …or he’ll never eat corn chips again.
  4. If/When you answer his calls, bark like a dog or moo like a cow. I don’t know if this will work but I’m sure he’ll think your ass is crazy. 

If none of these suggestions work out in your favor, I’m afraid your last resort is to take the highest low road, like any other normal person, and change your name only when he calls. That way when he rings your phone and asks for you, you won’t be lying when you say, “There’s no one here by that name.” 

Good luck!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

Why is it no one likes to warn a guy when his fly is open? I think I’ve been walking around all day showing my goods.  

Breezy 

Dear Breezy, 

The reason why no one makes an effort to let a man know when his fly is open is because everyone on the planet is secretly an undercover pervert. That’d be my easy one-liner answer. 

In an attempt to boost your ego, I could say that you should be flattered when no one tells you your zipper is down, supporting that comment with a thought that everyone wants to see or is impressed by what you’re working with. But if you allow time to fast forward by just a hare, the dust will settle and the truth will kick in. 

Women won’t warn you because they are embarrassed (some women anyway) to let you know they are [blatantly] looking at your crotch. They don’t want to give you the wrong idea or impression about themselves and their [sexual] values. 

Men won’t warn you because their masculinity and reputation would be at stake. If a man tells you your fly is open, he will fear you’ll believe he’s been staring at your family jewels and the next thing you know he’ll be convinced you think he’s gay. 

The best way to avoid this kind of situation is to use duct tape or staples to keep your pants fastened. You could also trade in your trousers for a medieval jumpsuit of armor. Be warned however that once you are clad in a metal suit, it won’t be quite as easy to whip out your piece and do your business when you have to go number one behind a bush.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been having a string of bad luck with women. Getting a date, or even just sex, isn’t a problem. I just can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m constantly running into women that are more interested in settling down with a ‘bad boy,’ which, as luck would have it, I am not. What is wrong with me? Why are women attracted to bad boys?  

Door Number Three 

Dear Door Number Three, 

You are asking a question most ‘good’ guys have been asking for generations. I’ve had a chance to survey a group of women on this inquiry and my findings have been quite interesting. 

It seems that in an attempt to make their women happy, good guys are a lot softer than guys with a bad boy image. That’s not to be confused with sexuality or masculinity. Guys that stand in the public eye as an ideal man to settle down with seemingly go the extra mile to extend the life of their relationships. For example, good guys tend to let their women make most or all of the decisions ranging from what/where to eat, what movies/channels to watch, all the way down to when and how to make love. Though women like to feel included in their relationship(s), they by nature are backseat driving leaders. They run their household, take care of their kids and often times serve as both mother and father.

Women are attracted to bad boys because that untamed image displays a straight to the point assertiveness that most good guys hold back in an effort to please their women. Bad boys tell their women what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They make the rules and decisions and their word is usually final. They omit sappy emotions and often put themselves first. They allow a woman to sit back and be a passenger on the ride of a relationship. Even if and when the ride is bumpy, the woman does not have to take control of the wheel.  Women love nice guys but sometimes being too nice is bad – boring even. They don’t necessarily want a guy to be a jerk. They don’t want him to be a pushover either. They don’t want to be controlled but they sometimes want someone else to take control. 

If you’re insistent that your concern is a matter of good guy vs. bad boy, embrace your inner jerk every now and then and see where that leads you. Take off your dress and put on a spine. Don’t ask questions, make statements. Don’t give a choice, make a decision. Tell your lady friend(s) what you want and what you don’t want. Don’t entertain their arguments [all the time]. Don’t drop your hat when they call your name. You might find it surprising that chicks will find that untapped part of you as attractive as the smell of icing on a cake is to a fat kid. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging you to become a just-add-water asshole. I’m only suggesting that you jag your edges a little bit.

Keep in mind though that your problem of settling down with quality women may not necessarily have anything to do with you. You could just be dealing with the wrong [type of] women. If that’s the case find a new place to hang out.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’m doing volunteer work at a job that I really love, but my supervisor treats me as if I’m receiving a paycheck every two weeks. What can I do to make her get off my back?  

Volunteer JD127 

Dear Volunteer JD127 

The easy answer to this question would be to quit…or fold your hands under your armpits and flap them like a duck. Oddly, I seem to be the only person that finds that enjoyable so I have five other suggestions for you: 

  1. Tell your boss to back the hell off or else consider the cuss out she has coming as your official letter of resignation. Be careful with that threat though, because if you’re already working for free, your $0 salary won’t be missed. 
  2. Show up to work wearing an “I work for peanuts” t-shirt. That’ll send a message out to your supervisor with an implication that you are either tired of working for no pay or you’re too cheap, poor, or ignorant to wear more work appropriate clothes. 
  3. Walk around the office with a coffee mug and refuse to do any tasks or assignments unless someone drops a coin in the cup (accept nothing smaller than a quarter). NO REFUNDS. 
  4. Tell your boss to kiss part of your ass. You don’t want to offend her by telling her to kiss your entire ass so part will do. Particularly the part where the shit comes out. 
  5. Lastly, if none of the other suggestions work out in your favor find a new place to render your services. As long as you are working like a dog for a master that’s not giving up a bone, you hold all the power. Trust me. Finding a job to hire you for no pay is probably the easiest thing in the world to do. 

If you’re going to be expected to work hard, then money, respect and free lunch should be the first three things on your list of priorities.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I got a text message from an old boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in about six winters) asking me for a “hook up.” When I told him I don’t “hook up” any more, but am rather waiting on a more emotion-based relationship, he told me he doesn’t do relationships any more, but that he could whisper “I love you,” in my ear while we’re doing it.  Should I be offended?

Well I Never

Dear Well I Never,

I hope you don’t hold it against me for laughing hard enough to feel an urge to pee. Did he really tell you he’d whisper he loves you in your ear in return for some yum yum? That’s priceless, bold and pressed. I only hope and pray you didn’t entertain that conversation any longer than it took for him to muster up that bullshit.

I don’t think it’d be worth your time getting upset over your ex. When you think about it, you should be flattered. If you haven’t seen him in [your words] six winters, then you must have whipped something good on him to make him call you out of the blue for any reason, let alone for just sex. Pat yourself on the back.

The fact that he proceeded to proposition you after your telling him your candy factory was temporarily out of business tells me that the only thing he respects about you is your womb. At that point you should have fallen to your knees and prayed that his penis hole locks up every time he goes to the bathroom to do number one.

To put it simply though, all you have to do is respect your differences in opinion in the approach to sexual behavior and rest comfortably in knowing he’s nothing but a ho waiting to welcome the possibility of a disease serious enough to make a vital body part fall off and you’re not.

Being mad or offended over his ignorance gives him unwarranted power over you, not to mention gives you wrinkles. When it comes down to the wire, I wouldn’t blame you for thanking him for reminding you why you two are exes in the first place. Mr. T said it best when he said, “I pity the fool!” because homeboy needs some help. And by “help” I mean “to grow up.”

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’m sending you this inquiry from work. My sisters keep calling me on my job to talk about family drama that has me weighed down. How can I get them to respect the fact that I can’t take personal calls at work and don’t want to be stressed out with home worries while I’m on government time?  

Blood Thinner 

Dear Blood Thinner, 

Your answer is simple. Don’t answer the damn phone! If you have caller ID, like most office phones do now-a-days, when you see their number flash on the screen, ignore it. If they call you on your cell phone, don’t pick up. You can simplify this by giving your sisters each a Grim Reaper specialty ringtone. If you have a smart phone, there’s an app both in the Android and Blackberry market that allows you to block certain callers. Look into it. It’s worth the free investment. 

If you really want to piss them off, buy a dog whistle and blow it in their ear every time they call you, because I know when they ring your phone the first word that pops into your head is “Bitch!” And a bitch is a female dog. See where I’m going with this? 

The bottom line is you don’t have to deal with their drama, especially on your paid (and unpaid) time or on your phone. The word ‘family’ is not synonymous with ‘control’. You shit and piss the same way they do, so their control over you is no greater than yours is over yourself. Deal with them when you want to, not when they want you to. If they can’t handle that it’s their problem not yours, or as some eloquent trashy person would say, “F-ck ‘em!”  

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been hollering at this girl for the last two weeks. The positive is that she’s a nice girl. A pretty girl. The negative is that since we’ve been talking, all she talks about is sex. Naturally I want to hit it but contrary to what she thinks (or wants) I have more to offer than just di-k. In theory she could very well be the one but I never thought I would have to mould my soul mate. That isn’t gay or anything is it?  

After Hours 

Dear After Hours 

Not wanting to discuss sex with this chick (or anyone, for that matter) 24/7 doesn’t make you gay. It makes you mature. To be quite honest with you, it’s refreshing to hear from a dude with more than just pu—y on his mind. 

I’m not going to tell you that this broad isn’t the perfect one for you, but if you’re in doubt after 14 days, chances are you aren’t too far off the mark. After all, men [and women] know when they’ve met the one after the first date…even more commonly after the first 15 minutes of conversation. 

You can either tell her how you feel and give her a chance to discover another kind of conversation other than what she picked up from old Vanessa Del Rio movies or you can bone her and move on. Be warned that if you choose door #2, and the sex turns out to be as good as she anticipates, you will have a whole other problem on your hands so it’s probably best that you have a sit down with her and tell it like it is! As long she continues to wear her vagina on her sleeve, chances are she’s going to have this same problem with the next man in her life. And it’s most likely that the next man won’t have his morals in check like you seemingly do. 

If you don’t feel like wasting your breath explaining to her that there’s more to life than lube, rubbers or raw boning, screw her and leave $20 on the nightstand after the deed is done. Maybe she’ll feel cheap enough to re-evaluate her whore-like tendencies. You will have gotten some ass and [presumably, if she doesn’t like the emotionless treatment] she’ll feel too used to call you again. It’s a win/win for you provided she doesn’t pass some kind of an STD on. That’s the chance you’ll take for following the instinct of the head in your pants versus the one on your shoulders.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood, 

Not too long ago I got myself wrapped up in a financial bind. I turned to my family for help – I’m still determining if that was a good idea or not. Since turning to them all of my business has been circulating amongst the family circuit. I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it. What should I do?  

Strapped for Cash 

Dear Strapped for Cash, 

Everyone needs help. I know how stressful it can be to need help and have to deal with petty bullshit on top of the stress you’re already dealing with. But let’s face facts – and these are your words, not mine – “I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it.” You need to swallow either your pride or a big chunk of humble pie and get over yourself long enough to steer clear of this bind you’re tangled up in. Why do I say that? 

  1. If all your business is circulating among your family, you’ve nothing to hide. The damage is done.
  2. If your family is helping you get your priorities straight, it shouldn’t matter who’s telling your business. That’s most likely the least of your concerns. If they’re helping you, especially financially, they’ve paid for their right to discuss your affairs. At least that’s the way they see it.
  3. You should be more worried about getting yourself out of your bind than protecting your ego. Own up to the mistake you’ve made then learn from it so you don’t be the same fool twice.
  4. Being adamant about your privacy is going to make you look crazier than the mess you’ve gotten yourself into because you’re putting your focus on a less pressing concern. 

Family is going to talk about you. That’s what they do. You need to stand on your head and look at the Kool Aid glass as half full instead of half empty. If they are discussing your business behind your back, who cares? They’ve probably been discussing you before all this mess got started and will continue to do so when it’s all said and done. You’re still getting the help you need right? Suck it up and take the bitter with the street. They’re getting the satisfaction of having some juicy gossip while you’re getting the satisfaction of having someone do for you that which you can’t do for yourself. It may feel unfair but it’s an even trade. 

Rest in the comfort of knowing that everyone screws up from time to time and for every good and bad thing that you do, someone has or will do something better or worse. Take a chill pill and relax. Before you know it you’ll be the one talking about someone behind their back. Then the world can revolve around you and everything will be back to normal.

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,  

I met the most beautiful girl last week using an online dating service. In the last few days we have really connected – and not just sexually. She spent the night at my house one evening and we just laid in bed (naked) and talked, even though I did try to bump uglies. Since then though, she’s asked me to give her a photograph of myself to show to her mother. She also popped up at my house unannounced [while I was sleep]. When I didn’t answer the door, she fondled with the [door] lock and windows until she found my patio door unlocked. When I woke up from my sleep she was standing next to my bed. Should I be worried or flattered by her persistence?  

~Tied Down by a Ball and Chain 

Dear Tied Down by a Ball and Chain, 

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to conduct their social life. Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t meddle in anyone’s personal affairs, unless of course I’m invited to do so. Your inquiry is my formal invitation. But because I know how delicate the heart is I won’t scare you off. It sounds like you have a woman in your life that is quite capable of scaring the crap out of you with no help needed. 

It goes without saying that meeting anyone on the internet is risky, although there is no one sure way to find guaranteed true love. If I do nothing else I wish you the best of luck in love. I also wish that you’d go somewhere to get your head examined because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this whole scenario sounds like a trip to the emergency room (or coroner’s office) waiting to happen.  

If I were you I’d begin by investing a little time to investigate this chick. If only after a few days she’s ready and willing to introduce you to her mama, you should probably put on a pair of specs and see the red flag waving before your eyes. You have no reason to meet her family until you’ve stuck around long enough to know that she’s the one for you. You being the one for her is one thing, but before you can shackle your hip to hers, you need to look out for yourself first. If she’s ready to bring you home to her family after approximately 168 days, that’s a clear sign that her elevator may not reach the roof and there are no brakes to keep it from crashing to the bottom floor. Presumably that’s not enough of a warning sign for you. Otherwise you would have saved the ink in your pen from penning this question, so let’s delve a little deeper. 

Her showing up at your house unannounced is a number one rule breaker for anyone who demands respect for privacy. Her entering your house without your knowledge is illegal, not to mention bold, dangerous and crazy. That act alone questions her respect for your privacy. What if you were in the house boning some other chick? You probably wouldn’t have any balls to bone anyone else today because there would be a strong possibility that she’d own them and have them stored in a jar on a top shelf in a closet in a shed hidden in the woods. 

My word of advice to you is to: 

A)    Leave this crazy bitch alone. She has two strikes against her in one week. The third strike may not leave you so lucky.

B)     Investigate her background before you go any further. …while you still can. These four words should motivate you: Kathy Bates in “Misery.”

C)    Be honest with her and tell her that her psychotic actions are scaring the shit out of you. Then duck and cover or run for your life because no one likes to be called crazy, especially a crazy person!

D)    Tell her not to pull any more stunts like this unless she’s expecting a cap in her ass, then buy yourself a shotgun, a crossbow or a canon. 

In case I’ve given you too much to chew on for your simple question, you should not be flattered by the actions of this woman. If she found you attractive, I’m sure some other woman will, too. Perhaps one that will not break into your house and hover over your bed while watching you silently as you sleep. You should, my friend, be worried. In fact I’m worried for you. If you need a place to crash and hide while she’s out hunting you like Elmer Fudd hunts Bugs Bunny, don’t call me. That’s not to say I don’t have your back because I do. I just have it from afar. Way, way afar!

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

I was recently released from prison (on charges I wish not to discuss). Even though I spoke with members of my family to request help getting out of lock down, when I finally got released at 3:15 in the morning, none of my family/friends were at the precinct to greet my regained freedom or take me home. I ended up walking 45 minutes to the nearest train station and waiting an hour for metro rail to open. Do I have a right to be mad that no one was there for me in my time of need?    

~JailBird212 

Dear JailBird212, 

Because I know what it’s like to sit on the internal side of a jail cell (shh, that’s our little secret), I won’t give you a hard way to go. Also because you opt not to discuss your incarceration charges, the first thing that comes to my mind is murder, and I rather enjoy the land of the living so I’m going to watch what I say in hopes that you don’t track me down and kill me. 

Let the truth be told, you have no reason to be mad at anyone for not showing up at the time of your release. Reasons being: 

  1. Assumingly, they were not with you when you did whatever you did to get locked up.
  2. Assumingly, they were not with you when you got caught.
  3. Anyone that knows anything about suspect processing [of any kind] knows that the entire process takes a minimum of 9 hours, if you’re lucky. Who the hell would wait a day sitting in uncomfortable seats, surrounded by men with guns to find out if and/or when you are going to be released from jail for a crime you shouldn’t have committed in the first place? 

Honestly, you need to shift the focus of your priorities and drop this “I/Me” crap. After being released from the big house, everyone around you is going to look at you differently – like a crook. You should be more concerned about what you need to do to A) keep your ass out of trouble and B) paint a more positive image of yourself to those people around you, specifically and especially your family. 

The bottom line is that you can’t be mad at anyone else for not making your problems their own. You don’t get mad at anyone else when you miss the toilet seat do you? Or when you fall in? Or when your deodorant fails? This case is no different, especially in the sense that a cellblock smells as shitty as funky underarms and exactly the same as a pissy toilet – you know, with that one toilet bowl inside the holding cell that’s shared with the number of criminals that were picked up around or at the same time as you. 

My advice to you is to get over yourself and get your issues in order. And I mean that out of love and fear – fear that you’ll come looking for my ass because I didn’t tell you what you wanted to hear, which I might add, you should be used to by now. Because I know you heard a lot of stuff you didn’t want to hear while you were in the pen. In fact, you probably heard everything except Jesus saying, “I told you so.” 

Good luck and play it safe!  

~Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

A good friend of mine finds herself comfortable enough to tell me all the details of her personal life with her boyfriend. What she doesn’t know is that I used to be attracted to her myself, which is why I once found it difficult to stomach her intimate stories. Now that I’ve accepted the fact that she and I will never share an intimate relationship of our own, I’m finding it more and more difficult to listen to her rant about her man. How can I tell her to stop without hurting her feelings or damaging our friendship?  

~Mr. All Choked Up

Dear Mr. All Choked Up, 

I have to warn you that telling anyone [especially a woman who is stuck in her emotions] to stop doing anything they feel comfortable doing never goes over well. Before you can fathom doing anything at all, you should slap yourself on the forehead for allowing her to grab you by the balls and pulling you into her girl talk. What’d you expect? 

It’s common knowledge that when men discuss the intimacies of their relationships, the conversation is usually revolved around locker room brag chat or smash points accumulation. When women discuss the intimacies of their relationships, bragging whether to a full extent or partial, plays a key role in the purpose behind their conversation. But when a woman discusses her relationships with another man, it’s just plain pointless and often times wrong, only unless she’s seeking advice from a man’s point of view. Even still, it wears thin.  No man…hell, nobody for that matter wants to hear about the goings on of what a couple does behind closed doors, especially if they have no stories to respond with in comparison. The words, “I don’t give a f***!” comes to mind. Unfortunately because women are typically much more sensitive than men, there is no nice way to tell your girl to put a sock in it. Your options are limited, pal. Sorry. 

Option 1:

Tell her the truth – You just don’t want to hear it. Be warned that she may think you’re cold, jealous, rude, mean, inconsiderate, or unfeeling and she’ll eventually never tell you another damn thing for as long as you live. Even if you have a booger hanging out of your nose or your fly is open. In this case it’s true that the truth will set you free – free from all your listening annoyances, and quite possibly free from the friendship all together. 

Option 2:

Tune her out and imagine her naked. This rule doesn’t only apply to public speaking. Tuning out anyone is the best way to keep from freaking out, cursing out, crying out, or passing out. You may want to be careful though. If you once had feelings for this mamasita it wouldn’t be surprising to get a woody while imagining her naked. If you’re standing face to face with her, speaking with your head instead of your mouth stands to get you in a lot more trouble than it’s worth. She may feel uncomfortable talking to you any more because she’ll view you as a spotted horny toad. She’ll think you want to bone her. And if she’s as hung up on her man as you imply, she’ll tell him about your boner and he’ll no doubt be on the hunt to whoop your ass the first chance he gets. 

Option 3:

Always have a story that will outdo hers even if you have to make it up. This may or may not work. Women find it exhilarating to discuss the behavior of other women. They’ll even take your actions and reactions to the stories you tell and use them against you. Option #3 could paint a negative and/or positive image of you in your girl’s eyes. Your stories may either annoy her or drive her to revel in the delight of her own relationship even more. It’s usually a 50/50 chance when trying to outdo a woman in a discussion over matters of the heart. I would only suggest using Option #3 if she breaks up with her boyfriend. Once she’s single the last thing she’s going to want to do is listen to the summaries of your hookups because it’ll remind her of just how single she is. Sadly though, she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about how you feel about listening to her pleasurable details. Is this a double standard? Yes. But what can you do? You’re a man. You’re supposed to be able to handle it. 

Option 4:

Dive head first into a 16oz bottle of Deer Park water and drown yourself. The good news about this option is that when it’s all said and done you’ll be dead so you won’t have to explain the reason behind your suicide and you’ll no longer be around to hear ol’ girl talk about her relationship. It’s a win/win! 

Hottywood

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Dear Hottywood,

My roommate is lazy, greedy and messy. He doesn’t cook, clean or buy groceries. I can’t afford to put him out but I’m coming dangerously close to slipping an eviction notice under his bedroom door. Any advice on what I should do? 

~Chazz 

Dear Chazz, 

Some would josh you and refer to your troubling inquiry as a perfect reason to live by yourself. Since those persons are nothing more than nosey jackasses that hold no rights over your affairs, I am going to join you in raising my voice to tell those meddling folks to mind their own damn business.  

Before you do anything or nothing else at all you have to sit down with your roommate and tell him just how trifling he is. After and only after you’ve voiced your concerns should you take dirty matters into your own hands and force to him to live within the confines of your expectations.  

The first thing you want to do is stock your cupboards with nothing but cornflakes. Doing so will save you loads of money in groceries and will undoubtedly knock off any unnecessary weight gained from winter seasons or stress eating. You’d be surprised at the number of ways there are to prepare cornflakes.  Whether baked, fried, sautéed, or barbequed, I guarantee your roommate will think you’ve either lost your job or your mind.  If you’re not big on cornflakes, a second option would be to replace all of the meat in the house with parakeet treats.  Unless your roommate is a giant greedy bird, guilt, anger, frustration or starvation will compel him to pick up the slack with the groceries, even if that means buying and cooking only his own food and leaving you to fend for yourself. 

Since he refuses to clean up, you may have to remind him why it is important to do so. I always say “I can show you better than I can tell you,” and that’s exactly the advice I’m extending to you today. When he’s out of the house doing whatever it is he does while you’re doing all of the things he doesn’t do at home, scoop a stray cat up from the streets and rub its hair all over your roomie’s pillows. This act will hold more weight if he’s allergic to cats. In fact take it a step further and rub the cat against everything in the house except for whatever is in your room. Your roommate will have no other choice but to clean up the entire house or die from the allergy attacks. 

No shared living arrangement is as easy as television makes it look. Sometimes feeling comfortable in the home you share with another requires a little effort. Luckily for you and anyone trapped in a situation similar to yours 90% of any effort is getting started. And if that’s not enough there’s always solace in knowing Hottywood Helps!

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

Lately my friends (if that’s what you want to call them) have been giving me a lot of flack for going to restaurants alone.  Does that make me look pathetic?  

~Entourage 

Dear Entourage, 

Eating alone in public doesn’t make you look pathetic. It just makes you look as if you have no friends, which is only pathetic if in fact you have no friends. 

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone – especially if you have a bunch of voices in your head to keep you company. Instead of looking at the loneliness of eating at a table for one, look on the bright side. There’s more food for you; you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s unwashed hands dipping onto your plate; and you don’t have to pretend to care about a meaningless, pointless, and uninteresting conversation, which in turn gives you more time to count the number of times you chew your food. And if these aren’t enough reasons to keep your confidence up while all the partnered up peeps are staring at you dine by yourself, keep in mind that your friends may be giving you a lot of flack because they’re either too cheap or too poor to go out to eat with you. 

PS, if you need someone to go out to eat with you, just give me a call.  YOU pay and I’ll pick-pocket someone for the tip!  Deal? 

Hottywood