This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,

My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument last night over my attitude. Well apparently to her I had an attitude. To me, I was stressed out, horny and haven’t smoked any Mary Jane in about a week. Now she thinks there’s more to my last night’s mood than I told her. I want to get back in her good graces but I’m fearful that another argument will ensue because of her doubt in my truth. Help!

I Didn’t Mean To

Dear I Didn’t Mean To,

I most certainly can understand your reasons for bitching out on your girl. But I’m a man. Understanding my fellow brutha’s disgust over no ass or weed is in my DNA. It’s in every man’s DNA. Whatever you did, my brutha, I know you didn’t do it.  Continue reading

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I just started messing with this girl. We’ve only been kicking it for a few days but things seem to be going fairly well. I got a text message from an ex who is in town for the day and wants to see me. I want to see her but I don’t want to mess things up with the new girl. What should I do? 

Mr. Player No More

Dear Mr. Player No More,

Ordinarily I’d tell you to follow your heart but I think you would do better listening to your gut. If you think there’s a chance that you could mess things up in your new relationship, then you probably shouldn’t take any chances. Besides, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize you shouldn’t put one chick on hold who’s right up your alley to roll with another chick that’s nowhere near or from your neck of the woods.

Now let’s think about this for a minute. Your ex is in town for a day while your new girlfriend resides here. You do the math. You’d be one pissed off so and so if you spent time with your ex and wound up having the worst time ever. Or even worse, ended up screwing her and catching something you wouldn’t have caught had your ass not been trying to be slick. Also, telling your new girlfriend that you’re going to spend time with your ex is a conversation I would seriously advise against. And because you, like most men, would probably not tell her the real reason why you’d be ditching her, you’d most likely get caught up in a lie and wind up ass out and single all over again. That’s when your old ex would forever stop calling while your new ex would vow never to speak to you again.

From one man to another who’s thought with the wrong head – DON’T DO IT!


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Since the recent hurricane was perfect weather for a booty call, I decided to step out for a hookup. I went to visit an old flame, which I dated briefly until we broke up (because I was soooo not interested). He on the other hand never lost interest [in me], so I knew hooking up with him was a sure thing. To my surprise, I wasn’t expecting the bus/train service to be suspended. I ended up being stuck with this guy all night. Now he calls and texts me nonstop as if we’re in a relationship. HELP! Make him leave me alone!  


Dear Sandy, 

Before you can make the calls stop, you have to understand that you brought this on yourself. You went out with a full intent to mess with a man’s head (no pun intended), and in the end you got stuck with the short end of the stick. I certainly hope you at least got what you wanted. I already know you got more than you bargained for. You ignored his desire to be with you on a higher level than “just” sex just so you could get your rocks off. It sounds to me as if Mother Nature wanted to teach you a lesson. So I guess everyone that was affected by Super Storm Sandy can thank your horniness for loss of power, flooding and a full city shut down. 

Now that we’ve both concluded that there are consequences for using your magical powers for personal gain, I can help you with your immediate problem. 

If this guy had feelings for you before you rode him into the sunset; you should know that it isn’t going to be easy to get him to stop calling you. You can tell him to stop but that never works. You can threaten him but he might like it. He may perceive your threats as a game of cat and mouse. In his eyes, you wouldn’t have f*cked him if you weren’t interested in him on some level. And some level is better than no level at all. 

Here are some ideas for you to consider: 

  1. Route your incoming calls to the nearest morgue. There’s no message more clear or permanent than death.
  2. If/When you answer his calls, respond to everything he says in your best handicapped pirate voice. If you can help it, drool out of the corners of your mouth. It’ll make your words much harder to understand.
  3. If/When you answer his calls, make sure you have a bag of corn chips nearby. Crunch in his ear during your entire conversation. If this doesn’t annoy him, it will piss him off and he’ll probably never want to speak to you again. …or he’ll never eat corn chips again.
  4. If/When you answer his calls, bark like a dog or moo like a cow. I don’t know if this will work but I’m sure he’ll think your ass is crazy. 

If none of these suggestions work out in your favor, I’m afraid your last resort is to take the highest low road, like any other normal person, and change your name only when he calls. That way when he rings your phone and asks for you, you won’t be lying when you say, “There’s no one here by that name.” 

Good luck!


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

Why is it no one likes to warn a guy when his fly is open? I think I’ve been walking around all day showing my goods.  


Dear Breezy, 

The reason why no one makes an effort to let a man know when his fly is open is because everyone on the planet is secretly an undercover pervert. That’d be my easy one-liner answer. 

In an attempt to boost your ego, I could say that you should be flattered when no one tells you your zipper is down, supporting that comment with a thought that everyone wants to see or is impressed by what you’re working with. But if you allow time to fast forward by just a hare, the dust will settle and the truth will kick in. 

Women won’t warn you because they are embarrassed (some women anyway) to let you know they are [blatantly] looking at your crotch. They don’t want to give you the wrong idea or impression about themselves and their [sexual] values. 

Men won’t warn you because their masculinity and reputation would be at stake. If a man tells you your fly is open, he will fear you’ll believe he’s been staring at your family jewels and the next thing you know he’ll be convinced you think he’s gay. 

The best way to avoid this kind of situation is to use duct tape or staples to keep your pants fastened. You could also trade in your trousers for a medieval jumpsuit of armor. Be warned however that once you are clad in a metal suit, it won’t be quite as easy to whip out your piece and do your business when you have to go number one behind a bush.


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been having a string of bad luck with women. Getting a date, or even just sex, isn’t a problem. I just can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m constantly running into women that are more interested in settling down with a ‘bad boy,’ which, as luck would have it, I am not. What is wrong with me? Why are women attracted to bad boys?  

Door Number Three 

Dear Door Number Three, 

You are asking a question most ‘good’ guys have been asking for generations. I’ve had a chance to survey a group of women on this inquiry and my findings have been quite interesting. 

It seems that in an attempt to make their women happy, good guys are a lot softer than guys with a bad boy image. That’s not to be confused with sexuality or masculinity. Guys that stand in the public eye as an ideal man to settle down with seemingly go the extra mile to extend the life of their relationships. For example, good guys tend to let their women make most or all of the decisions ranging from what/where to eat, what movies/channels to watch, all the way down to when and how to make love. Though women like to feel included in their relationship(s), they by nature are backseat driving leaders. They run their household, take care of their kids and often times serve as both mother and father.

Women are attracted to bad boys because that untamed image displays a straight to the point assertiveness that most good guys hold back in an effort to please their women. Bad boys tell their women what they want, when they want it and how they want it. They make the rules and decisions and their word is usually final. They omit sappy emotions and often put themselves first. They allow a woman to sit back and be a passenger on the ride of a relationship. Even if and when the ride is bumpy, the woman does not have to take control of the wheel.  Women love nice guys but sometimes being too nice is bad – boring even. They don’t necessarily want a guy to be a jerk. They don’t want him to be a pushover either. They don’t want to be controlled but they sometimes want someone else to take control. 

If you’re insistent that your concern is a matter of good guy vs. bad boy, embrace your inner jerk every now and then and see where that leads you. Take off your dress and put on a spine. Don’t ask questions, make statements. Don’t give a choice, make a decision. Tell your lady friend(s) what you want and what you don’t want. Don’t entertain their arguments [all the time]. Don’t drop your hat when they call your name. You might find it surprising that chicks will find that untapped part of you as attractive as the smell of icing on a cake is to a fat kid. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not encouraging you to become a just-add-water asshole. I’m only suggesting that you jag your edges a little bit.

Keep in mind though that your problem of settling down with quality women may not necessarily have anything to do with you. You could just be dealing with the wrong [type of] women. If that’s the case find a new place to hang out.


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’m doing volunteer work at a job that I really love, but my supervisor treats me as if I’m receiving a paycheck every two weeks. What can I do to make her get off my back?  

Volunteer JD127 

Dear Volunteer JD127 

The easy answer to this question would be to quit…or fold your hands under your armpits and flap them like a duck. Oddly, I seem to be the only person that finds that enjoyable so I have five other suggestions for you: 

  1. Tell your boss to back the hell off or else consider the cuss out she has coming as your official letter of resignation. Be careful with that threat though, because if you’re already working for free, your $0 salary won’t be missed. 
  2. Show up to work wearing an “I work for peanuts” t-shirt. That’ll send a message out to your supervisor with an implication that you are either tired of working for no pay or you’re too cheap, poor, or ignorant to wear more work appropriate clothes. 
  3. Walk around the office with a coffee mug and refuse to do any tasks or assignments unless someone drops a coin in the cup (accept nothing smaller than a quarter). NO REFUNDS. 
  4. Tell your boss to kiss part of your ass. You don’t want to offend her by telling her to kiss your entire ass so part will do. Particularly the part where the shit comes out. 
  5. Lastly, if none of the other suggestions work out in your favor find a new place to render your services. As long as you are working like a dog for a master that’s not giving up a bone, you hold all the power. Trust me. Finding a job to hire you for no pay is probably the easiest thing in the world to do. 

If you’re going to be expected to work hard, then money, respect and free lunch should be the first three things on your list of priorities.


This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I got a text message from an old boyfriend (whom I haven’t spoken to in about six winters) asking me for a “hook up.” When I told him I don’t “hook up” any more, but am rather waiting on a more emotion-based relationship, he told me he doesn’t do relationships any more, but that he could whisper “I love you,” in my ear while we’re doing it.  Should I be offended?

Well I Never

Dear Well I Never,

I hope you don’t hold it against me for laughing hard enough to feel an urge to pee. Did he really tell you he’d whisper he loves you in your ear in return for some yum yum? That’s priceless, bold and pressed. I only hope and pray you didn’t entertain that conversation any longer than it took for him to muster up that bullshit.

I don’t think it’d be worth your time getting upset over your ex. When you think about it, you should be flattered. If you haven’t seen him in [your words] six winters, then you must have whipped something good on him to make him call you out of the blue for any reason, let alone for just sex. Pat yourself on the back.

The fact that he proceeded to proposition you after your telling him your candy factory was temporarily out of business tells me that the only thing he respects about you is your womb. At that point you should have fallen to your knees and prayed that his penis hole locks up every time he goes to the bathroom to do number one.

To put it simply though, all you have to do is respect your differences in opinion in the approach to sexual behavior and rest comfortably in knowing he’s nothing but a ho waiting to welcome the possibility of a disease serious enough to make a vital body part fall off and you’re not.

Being mad or offended over his ignorance gives him unwarranted power over you, not to mention gives you wrinkles. When it comes down to the wire, I wouldn’t blame you for thanking him for reminding you why you two are exes in the first place. Mr. T said it best when he said, “I pity the fool!” because homeboy needs some help. And by “help” I mean “to grow up.”