What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

In Search of Non-Morning Person Support Group

Seems to me I remember sharing with the world how much of a morning person I am not some time back in 2009.  Still, all my mornings pretty much begin the same – brutal traffic that points its finger and laughs at me as I cuss all the way to work; stale bagels; and yesterday’s coffee.  Today seems to be as good a day as any to reiterate how much I despise people who bombard me with useless conversation about how they are doing when it’s clearly marked on my forehead how much I don’t give a damn; customers who call the office first thing in the morning to ask questions they seem to already know the answers to; and coworkers who are not considerate enough to let me take my coat off before pawning their work off on me so they can play endless games of internet Bejeweled.  

Perhaps if my night ended in a peaceful manner, filled with salty french fries, a throwback comedic marathon, like “I Love Lucy”, and a foot massage from a rich princess who runs a country somewhere in the tropics and looks like Kim Kardashian, I wouldn’t feel like coming to work with a machine gun full of bubblicious chewing gum and stink bomb pellets.  Alas, I’m not that lucky, and neither are those people who float across my threshold on cloud 9 any time before high noon – aka, lunch!  Especially if they aren’t toting a box of piping hot Popeyes chicken or seemed to have left their manners at home and omitted to say, “Good morning,” before tossing words around like, “I need you to,” and “I know you’re busy but…”  Those are the people who get their car doors scratched with a pair of keys or accidentally runs over a glass bottle of Millers Genuine Draft without any idea of what kind of non-morning person would do such a thing to them. 

Now by mid-day when my mood has calmed and my taste buds have settled on what it desires for the lunch time fix, a whole new wave of gripe and grudge takes over my body once my eyelids have become heavy and the clock does anything but move its big hand closer to the 12 and the little hand on the 5.  This is around the time when office colleagues, business vendors, and out-of-office meeting guests should all enter my personal space with caution.  To put it mildly, only approach me if wearing a suit of armor while holding a bungee cord to assist me in an early dismissal of work through the 17th floor window.  But seriously, what are the chances of that happening?  If your answer is “little to none” much like my answer is, there is an alternative solution.  Boredom is the next overwhelming feeling after passing the I Don’t Want to Be Here stage of the day.   Here’s when practical joke mode kicks in.  

Accidentally jam the photocopier, fill all the toilet bowls in the building with Bounty paper towels or make prank 911 calls from your boss’ desk phone and just sit back and wait for the fun part to begin.   

I would’ve included a nice clip of an overflowing toilet but you did just eat your lunch in the previous paragraph and that simply would’ve been another mess for you to clean up before quitting time.  At any rate the day must go on if you wish to continue receiving your paychecks.  So as much as I would love to sit here and continue telling you how much of a morning person I am not, or an afternoon person for that matter, I must dust off my glue gun and stick some folders to the bottom of the file cabinet in hopes to never see them again.  But if you have some time, let’s meet up after work for a drink.  By then I will be in the jolliest of moods and won’t mind so much stupid comments, selfish company or inconsiderate people because I’ll be too consumed by alcohol to give a sh*t.  

Five o’clock isn’t that far away.  I can make it.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  

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Quote of the week:    “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”   -Drew Carey

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 20-26, 2010

It’s been a while since our last fortune telling and I can smell that luck runs in the stinkiest of sewers.  Luckily, the predictions of Hottywood will enable you to safeguard yourself with metal armor and coat hangers. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Man who is too afraid to face light of day should not hang in dark alleys at night. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who insists on driving like a bat out of hell is sure to get there quickly.  To hell, that is. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of crabs when fishing in another man’s well. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Farting in church is sure to have you sitting on your own pew. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You can’t leap off a cliff without jumping to a conclusion, but if you’re thinking of jumping off a cliff, that’s a problem in itself. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Girls who do back springs on bedsprings will have an offspring next spring.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A clear conscience never fears midnight knocking.  Keeping that in mind, “The freaks come out at night.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Everything has beauty but not everyone is beautiful. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A lazy shepherd is a wolf’s friend.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

When a tree falls, the monkeys scatter. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Money talks.  Bullsh*t walks. 

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Quote of the Week:      “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”

What is Your Self Worth?

I’ve heard it all before, “I can’t,” “I give up,” “You win,” and my personal favorite, “I won’t even try.”  What the hell is wrong with you, you loser?!   Didn’t your mother ever teach you that no one likes a quitter?  If she hasn’t, then she failed as a mother and deemed you an underachiever who will probably never amount to anything except VIP treatment in a loser’s lounge.  

Why should anyone feel sorry for you?  You’re doing a damn good job of that, yourself.  

**Real talk** If the most faith you have in yourself is the belief that you will never achieve any greater success than counting the fart bubbles you produce in your bathtub, then you might as well pull the plug on that dirty water and go down the drain right along with it.  

Where is your commitment to yourself?  I’m talking about the [self] commitment of amounting to something greater than what you’re already not.  Are you so satisfied with being a nobody whose going nowhere quickly, except home to mommy and daddy, that you’re willing to let your life pass you by?  If that’s the most you can offer yourself, then you are consciously giving up a better life here on this crappy planet because you’re too blinded to see the view beyond your mom’s basement apartment window.  It’s time to dig your way out that barrel and find out what all the other crabs are getting into when they aren’t being captured on beaches and steamed and sold to the highest paying corporate job fish market.     

Sooner or later, you’ll need to stand on top of that express check-out counter, where you usually and most graciously accept your customer’s EBT cards, hold that brown paper bag proudly over your head and say to the masses, “I am greater than minimum wage!”  Then quit your job before your boss has security tackle you to the ground and take away your store discount credit.  After you’ve polished off the last of that 40oz Old English and buried your sorrows somewhere inside that bloated pot belly of yours, you’ll realize that a change is necessary.  And if that final gross belch doesn’t wake you up, perhaps the piercing shriek of your mother’s war cry will when you come home with no paycheck and tell her you’ve been fired for quitting on company’s time.  She’ll call you every name in the book from a trifling nobody to a HOMELESS trifling nobody who couldn’t keep a job bagging groceries for people who only come to your check-out lane to feel better about themselves.  

The bottom line is you can’t quit something you’re too chicken sh*tted to start.  You can have a better life.  Dead end jobs are so yesterday.  Living at home with your parents is so 80’s.  Step into the new millenium.  Find out what you’re worth.  Get laid a little.  Find out what getting laid is worth. 

The moral is if you accept defeat before you even get into the game, you’ll always find yourself at the starting point when everyone else has humped their way to victory with a water-based lube.  Do you really want to be the only dry virgin waiting at the starting line when everyone else has experienced their climax several times and moved on to the next big thing?  If you’re afraid to crawl from beneath that rock and head on over to the boom boom room, then you deserve to be living in a basement.  Quitters never win for a damn reason and the only critters who should feel sorry for your ass are the roaches you board as roommates for taking up their space in the dark.  

Normally I would end by saying that 90% of any effort is getting started.  However in this case, it’ll probably take more effort to finish doing the nothing you started out with while everything else passes you by.

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Quote of the week:    “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”

How To Move on From a Relationship: A Lesson for the Loser Who Keeps Getting Dumped & Won’t Let Go

broken-heart-2Many who have been in a relationship know that the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.  However, the real newsflash is that your ass just won’t let go.  Therein lays your problem. 

Dealing with a break-up isn’t that difficult if you know the two basic rules of “getting over” it.  (1) Letting go and (2) Moving on.  When you are hung up on a relationship, you automatically sabotage any chance of new love.  The best kind of love is a new one.  You have to let go of the old so you can welcome the new.  

I know it’s hard.  You’ve had to endure a lot of ‘almosts’ in your love life and you want to know why you’re having such bad luck in love.  The answer is simple.  You have dependency issues.   For some odd reason you can’t seem to cut it as a person with your own purpose to exist, so you must latch on to someone else.  Well I’m going to help you out.  We’re going to talk about the two basic rules of “getting over it”, so you can get on with your life and stop being a nuisance to anyone else. 

As an abstract concept, getting over a broken relationship usually refers to a deep transgression of a failed attempt of caring for another person – most common in intimate relationships.   This limited conception encompasses a wealth of different feelings, from regretted post sexual intimacy to just plain crazy. 

Pay close attention.  Eventually you’ll be lucky enough to get yourself hitched.  In the meantime, if you know the two basic rules of getting over being dumped, you can save yourself a lot of misery and Kleenex.    It’s simple.  Follow along:

Step #1 – LET GO

letgoThe first and most important part of getting over being dumped is to keep busy and let go.  Lock yourself in a room and duct tape your eyes open long enough to preview the entire ‘Fact of Life’ series.  I don’t know exactly what this will achieve, but it’s sure as hell going to keep you from bugging the sh*t out of anyone.  Your ex doesn’t want to hear from you and your friends smelled your break-up coming a mile away.   Face it, you’re a loser.  It’s in your DNA. 

Take up a hobby.  Go bungee jumping.   Whatever you do spend all of your quality time discovering what it’s like to get on your own nerves.  You’ll be so consumed with learning that you annoy the hell out of yourself that it will become increasingly difficult to get on the nerves of others.  The point here is that you can’t overcome a break-up if you continue to deny that something is wrong with you.  By the time you’ve realized how crazy you are, you will have forgotten all about whatshisname

Step #2 – MOVE ON

MoveonAfter you’ve dealt with the fact that you’ve been dumped, it’s time to move on.  It’s the common phrase in every bad ending relationship.  “Move on you jerk!”

I know everyone says moving on too quickly is not a good idea, but no one says you have to get into a serious relationship right away.  That’s what got you into this mess to begin with.  Stop being so clingy and needy, you wuss. 

Seeing new people will keep your ex off your mind, and it’ll do your ex an even bigger favor (because they want you off their back).  Chances are they’ve told you to take a hike, kick rocks, play in traffic or pull your own tongue out so you can never speak to them again. 

Don’t get angry or be hurt by the rejection.  You should be used to it by now.  It’s probably not the last time you’ll be dumped.  At least you’ll be prepared for the next rejection if you’re lucky enough to get into another relationship. 

***

Before I let you go, I’m going to give you a word of advice. 

steps-breakingupIf you’re still single or have been dumped from every relationship you’ve ever been involved with, then your ass is in trouble.  Otherwise, take a look at the list below for tips on assessing if your relationship is taking a nose dive.  These tips will save you a lot of time in collecting a bunch of rocks to put in your pockets before you decide to jump in the nearest river. 

Signs Your Relationship is on the Rocks:

  • Lack of Respect.  Your partner realizes he/she can do better.  Bow out with an ounce of dignity. 
  • A One-Way Relationship.  If you’re putting your all into your relationship and your partner isn’t, chances are they’re totally bored with you and are exploring other options…or hiring a Hitman.  In any case, run!
  • Ignored Phone Calls.  There are a couple of reasons why your mate is not returning your calls.  The sound of your voice is annoying and your address book entry has been changed from your government name to “DO NOT ANSWER THIS DAMN PHONE.” They’ve found something or someone else better to do with their time. Or, they just don’t want to talk to you.  A word to the wise: calling someone excessively is not going to make them answer the phone. 
  • Pleasant Company Excluded.  If it’s more of a relief to be apart than together, take a damn hint.
  • The sex has stopped.  Uh oh.  You’re in trouble.  You have been reduced to a friend or associate.  You are no longer “get it” material.  Buy a lot of porn. 

Trust me, the list goes on.  But if you haven’t gotten the point by now, then you are doomed to your dependency issues for the rest of your days.  Good luck, kiddo.  I want you to take these helpful hints and go get yourself a little self-esteem.  Life is hard but doable. 

All jokes aside.  Take a little time to get to know yourself.  Find out what makes your inner jack ass tick.  The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love. 

Until next time my little barbarian fallopian sacks! Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

 

Quote of the week:     “The more you know about yourself, the less your chances are of being a fool for love.” 

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The Office Idiot: Why Stupid People Get Hired & Not Fired

Raise your hand if you’re privileged enough to work with someone you deem as “stupid.”  What makes them stupid?  Is it the questions they ask that make absolutely no sense?  Is it the completely idiotic jOffice_Idiot_2okes they tell?  Is it the fact they are supposed to be the expert in their field, yet they have no idea what in the hell they are really doing?  Let’s face it – every office has one stupid person in it.  So why is it that the most qualified person for the job is the one who gets passed up or canned? 

So many of us smart people have been asking this question since we were old enough to work.  The average person would think that stupid people get hired for jobs because smart people don’t apply, but whether you work in a Fortune 500 corporation or a fast food restaurant, the answer to this question is simple.  Stupid people are hired because every office or business has a SP quota that they need to fill.  What is “SP” you ask?  Duh….STUPID PEOPLE! 

STUPID QUOTEThe SP Quota is an unwritten statement that was inducted into the widely known Equal Employment Opportunity Act of 1995.  It’s unwritten because the person who thought of it was too stupid to include it in the bill when congressed passed the EEO laws 15 years ago, either for fear of public stir or sheer stupidity.  Whatever the reason, the non-genius didn’t realize was how much of an impact this unwritten law would have on the stupid people of America. 

Stupid people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  And though they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag, they bring a certain decorum to every office.  They disguise themselves in fancy clothes and pretty smiles and usually have the best Confusedmanners, but if you look at their job performance they are nothing more than employees paid to look pretty or fill an empty desk.  These dim-witted nincompoops are not completely useless however, contrary to what you may believe.   They serve a purpose for brighter employees that includes, but are not limited to practicing insults, target practice and back-stabbing.  In a simple case scenario, an intelligent worker will ask the opinion of the brainless, take their answer and do the complete opposite, usually bringing forth a remarkable result to the initial inquiry.  Because these people are so good at being stupid, they are none the wiser to the formula that ranks their intelligence level at the bottom of the office community food chain.    In fact, the more stupid a person is, the greater their chances are to be hired. 

Let’s take a look at a few examples of some of the dumb sh*t people actually put on their resumes and explore what this person is really trying to say.  Keep in mind that none of this is made up. People really did put this bullsh*t on their resumes or job applications.

  •  It’s best for employers that I not work with people.   – Translation: I am mean, untrustworthy and will eat your lunch if you leave it in the office refrigerator. I also drink and smoke a little pot. 
  • My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.  – Translation: I don’t read books because the words are too big. 
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.   – Translation: I will be consistently late for work until the day you receive a phone call from the police or a hospital. 
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.   – Translation: There is absolutely nothing about me that will set me apart from anyone else.  I am average and ordinary and you will probably forget my name within the first week that I am hired. 

These are perfect examples of people who should be hired for a job – because they would provide the best forms of entertainment for any office. 

Office_IdiotOffice mates can throw paper clips at stupid people.  They can play pranks on them and never get caught by their employers.  They can dump all of the work they feel are too menial for them to do and then suggest that the stupid person be reprimanded when the job is incomplete or performed incorrectly.  Stupid people are the best people to insult, gossip about and lie on.  They provide comedic relief for the rest of us who really matter.  Some are stupid by nature, others by association.  No matter what level of stupid they are, they are worth having around because they will be the ones most likely to not be invited to office parties, but will be expected to clean up once the party is over. 

Be warned that most stupid people do not take the job they are applying for as seriously as they do their after-hours drinking.  Case in point, the guy in the clip below:

…so if you imply to a stupid person that they are in fact stupid, they are liable to drag you in a dark alley and beat the living sh*t out of you.  One thing a stupid person is smart about is not getting caught whooping your ass. 

So there you have it – a complete understanding of why stupid people are hired and why most are not fired.  

Having said that, I’d better grab my keys and go.  I insulted our office idiot just this morning and I’m now watching her stand very closely to my car with a brick in one hand and a match in the other.  So kids, feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  I so will. 

Until later my little Ethiopian honey-dipped sesame seeds!  Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:     “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”