Mixed Messages of Animated Debauchery

We are about to explore some uncovered territory in the form of animated debauchery.  Let the truth be told, I really don’t know who has it worse – kids of yesteryear or the children of today. 

There are so many limitations on what the average drunken, horny or outright imbecilic person can watch on television that the FCC hasn’t bothered to take a look at what’s been viewed on the Cartoon Network or the Boomerang channel for the last umpteen years.  Let’s begin with a blast from the past, shall we? 

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THE SMURFS

Smurfette – Everybody loves those blue little rodents that are no bigger than a fungus plant.  But has anyone ever bothered to wonder what the smurfs do for fun?  I’ll tell you what they do for fun.  They do Smurfette!   C’mon.  Think about it.  A hot, feisty, blond-haired blue-bodied female smurf in a village full of men and she has NO competition? 

Why do you think the smurfs sing that La-La-La song all the damn time?  Don’t you feel like singing the morning after you’ve gotten laid?  And where did the baby smurfs come from?  Let’s face it.  Smurfette is Papa Smurf’s #1 bitch and he’s making a killing off of pimping her out to all the other little blue dudes.  And Gargamel keeps attacking them because he can’t get any.  Either that or he’s just trying to shut them up from all that moaning and groaning they have going on in the mushroom village.  And speaking of mushrooms, isn’t that a form of a euphoric drug – kinda like E-pills?  Hmmmmm…  Makes you wonder, doesn’t it?  Talk about a natural high.  Geez. 

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SCOOBY DOO

Scooby Doo & Shaggy – First and foremost there’s nothing worse than a scaredy-cat dog.  Not only was the Scooby gang too stupid to make a profit off of solving ridiculous crimes, they weren’t bright enough to put Scooby’s ass to work.  I mean seriously, how many talking mutts do you know?  Scooby was an ol’ punk and freakishly close to Shaggy.  They cuddled.  They hugged.  They even drank from the same cup.  Scooby Doo and Shaggy introduced young, impressionable minds to the world of bestiality.  They probably confused more poor kids than they did entertain.  And to be honest with you, there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for a Scooby Snack.  And Shaggy was the first person to start that Scooby snack craze; something similar to tainted brownies. 

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SESAME STREET

Big Bird – Big Bird had to be the gayest flamer on Sesame Street.  He was just one big old queen.  His voice was higher than a dog whistle and his body was covered in an oversized yellow boa.  He’d have probably worn high heels if he wasn’t so frikkin’ tall, but hey, that never stopped Dennis Rodman.  Gay or not, he somehow managed to keep his big ass on the red carpet.  Go figure! 

Well Big Bird, the only advice I can offer you is to watch out for greedy chicken lovers.  Cause your sexuality will have no baring on a mofo’s plate if you apply the right amount of flour, grease, salt and pepper.   

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LOONEY TUNES

Daffy Duck/Bugs Bunny — Daffy and Bugs are two of televisions most favorite cartoons.  They’re both extremely witty and probably two of the coolest talking animals you’d ever want to be scared to hang out with.  But despite their hilarious practical jokes, crunchy carrots and spit induced clever comments; this competing rabbit and duck act are some very butch cross-dressers.  They’re not gay…well, when they’re not kissing the non-talking – Elmer Fudd – on the lips before running for their lives… 

And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with being gay.  You are who you are, whether you’re a man, woman, duck or bunny rabbit; but I’m not convinced on the cross-dressing thing.  That’s just down right confusing.  And somehow getting a duck or a rabbit to wear 4” heels isn’t helping to make the ‘drag thing’ a catchy phenomenon in the hetero arena, especially when your viewing audience is a bunch of impressionable school-aged kids.  That’s all folks. 

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FAMILY GUY

Stewie Griffin — What can we not say about little Stewie Griffin from Family Guy?  He’s a genius, slightly narcissistic toddler with a deep rooted hatred for his mom and sister; has a bit of a retro racist flare and an adolescent sexual confusion for both genders.  Can you get any more classic than that?  

But despite his hang-ups, one thing you must say about the little bugger is that he always speaks his mind and keeps it real…whether he’s right or politically incorrect.  And let’s not omit the fact that he has got to be the most humorous little thing on TV.  

Now on the flip side, Stewie sends out a message to toddlers who happen to be well-spoken geniuses that it’s okay to be narcissistic and hate everything and everyone that isn’t like-minded.  He also carries all the characteristics of a potential serial killer.  But then again, I guess you don’t have to be a Stewie Griffin for that.  Off the top of my head, I can name about 10 mofos just like that, minus a talking canine companion and a baby stroller.  I guess it’s just funnier in crayon.

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We could probably go on and on with a list of questionable cartoons that we allow our kids to watch that are really no different from 2004’s Janet Jackson/Justin Timberlake Superbowl XXXVIII fiasco.  

But I guess as long as kids are quiet and out of a guardian’s hair long enough to talk on the phone, skim through pages of a dirty magazine or sneak a few extra cheese curls down their throats, there’s no real cause for concern.  I mean there are only a few kabillion children in the world…a great deal of them with access to television.  Nothing to raise an eyebrow over.   o_O

It doesn’t take 90% of any effort to get started to realize that something’s not right here. 

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Quote of the Day:    “The easiest way to teach children the value of money is to borrow some from them.”

What You Think Says A Lot More Than What You Say

During our transition from adolescence to adulthood, there are many key phrases that we may hear from our friends, associates, frenemies and/or enemies.  Some of those phrases can be labeled as good if we are stupid enough not to look deeper into the true meaning of its intent. 

Nevertheless, whether you have the word “Idiot” stamped on your forehead or not, Hottywood is always somewhere lurking around to make sure you’re not caught off guard the next time someone tries to pull the wool over your eyes.  

Buckle up, babies because I’m about to take you for a ride. 

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If your friends generally call you but never have anything to talk about, chances are you need to hide your cheese, ’cause I smell a rat!   What they’re really saying by not saying anything at all is:

“Just because I call to check on you doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

Whether you know it or not, just because someone is calling you doesn’t mean they have any interest in talking to you.  It’s just some people’s way of keeping you close by and on hand just in case they need you for something.  You should always keep an emergency excuse on reserve for those just-in-case moments. 

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It pays to be polite to people because you never know when you’re going to need them.  But being polite to someone doesn’t necessarily mean you have to become their new BFF.  Now, let’s be real — when you ask someone how they’re doing, what are you really thinking?  I’ll tell you what you’re thinking:

“Just because I ask how your day is going doesn’t mean I care, because I don’t.”

What idiot on the planet doesn’t know that the every day question, “Hey, how are you doing?” is a matter of robotic routine for anyone who doesn’t have the balls not to care to your face? 

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We all have friends who boast about their sex lives.  Honestly, meaningless, pointless sex with random strangers and partners in the double digits is just some people’s way of feeling needed and wanted.  To the rest of us who actually respect ourselves and our bodies as temples, those people are only good enough to keep around for a laugh as well as reminders of what not to do after one too many shots of tequila.   So why don’t you share with the class what crosses your mind when your slutty friend outlines all the details of their latest one-night stand.  I bet it goes a little something like this:  

“Just because I haven’t called you a skank outloud doesn’t mean I think you’re innocent, because I don’t.”

Sometimes you just have to keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.  That way, in the end, blackmail will totally work in your favor.    

The better the listener, the better the blackmail. 

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Hey, money doesn’t grow on trees.  Having said that, not too many people are stupid enough to turn down a free meal.  That is until they’ve run across that one person whose cooking tastes like old hot dog water.  Just to be nice, we try to keep our thoughts [and our vomit] to ourselves.  But burning deep within our souls is the mere thought:

“Just because I haven’t thrown up off of your food doesn’t mean I like your cooking, because I don’t.”

A lot of people believe they can do what the universe say they can’t.  Things like: cook; sing; rap; work as cashiers; and serve us food at drive thru restaurants.  No matter what the trade, a chef holding a knife has more power than a critic holding a barf bag.

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Bad jokes are just as common as a bad cold.  And also just as annoying.  Unfortunately for us, many people will take a stab in the dark at trying to put a smile on our faces.  Too bad for them that they’ve succeeded in getting us to laugh, but we’re laughing AT them, not WITH them.  So the next time someone sets you up for a “knock-knock” joke, think before you speak.   

“Just because I faked a laugh at your corny ass joke doesn’t mean I think you’re funny, because I don’t.”

Usually, this act debuts on stages all over bad dates and any office where an employee awaits his/her manager to sign their paycheck.   

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It’s true;  a lot of people speak merely because they love the sound of their own voice.  On the other hand, we love to hear them speak because it reminds us that we’re not the most stupid person in the room, especially when it comes to matters of the heart.  In contrast, there are some who offer their opinion even when we haven’t asked for it, and those people are usually single.  What’s the first thing a person thinks about when someone tries to shed some light on a situation that has nothing to do with them?   Here’s what I think:

“Just because I pretended your advice solved my problem doesn’t mean I think you know what you’re talking about, because I don’t.”

Chances are you talked so much until you confused yourself into accidentally making sense.  The good news is most people will take what they can get if it means shutting you up.   

You win some; you lose some.

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Acquaintances.  Everyone has one.  But it’s the acquaintances we know the least that we want to learn more about.  Why?  Because they are the folks that will give us more to talk about at all the gatherings they aren’t invited to.  Keeping that in mind, if someone comes to your party that you’ve never really associated with, here’s what’s really on their mind:

“Just because I came to your lame ass party doesn’t mean I want to hang out with you and your whack ass friends, because I don’t. ”

A lot of people will show up to parties just see how you live, whether it be grand like the lifestyle you hype up; or shabby, like the lifestyle most people expect from you. 

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People who don’t reveal when they catch you in a lie hold tightly to their leverage because they’re simply assessing your skills at being dishonest.   Any smart person knows that a liar is more valuable as an ally than they are as an enemy.  So when you’re lying through your teeth and someone knows it, what they’re really thinking is:

“Just because I haven’t pulled your card doesn’t mean I believe you’re telling the truth, because I don’t. ”

Not putting someone on the spot is just another way of finding out who and how they really are. 

Who ever said, “…the truth will set you free.”?

Oh, and if anyone ever questions your next overly animated story, look for the nearest exit, because a setup is sure to catch you at the next red light! 

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So now that you’ve heard a few tricks of the trade, I’m curious to know what you’re thinking?   And if I were you, I’d be honest with me.  Me, being an expert at what I’m sharing with you gives me an advantage.   Just because I hipped you to the game doesn’t mean I think you’ll win, because I don’t.   But I’ll give you an “A” for effort.  Because if you haven’t learned anything else, I’m sure you’ve learned that 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Where secrecy reigns, carelessness hides.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

20 Reasons & Ways to Kick Morning’s Ass

Morning should be really lucky that it’s not a human being, because if it was, there is no doubt that it would get its ass kicked regularly!  Oh Morning, how you are unloved by many, especially by me! 

For some, morning is a dawn of a new day and hope for a fresh start.  However to others, myself included, it’s a big old bully who likes to play mean jokes.  Well I’ve come to tell you Morning, the jokes on you!  I’m going to give you the top 20 reasons why I would kick your ass and 20 ways how I’d do it.

Dear Morning, if you were a person:

(1) I would sumo-wrestle you to the ground for waking me up at the crack of dawn.  _________________________________________________________

(2) I would karate chop you in the back of your neck for biting me with a cold chill as soon as I open my eyes to the first ray of light.  _________________________________________________________

(3) I would throw bleached water balloons at you for making me wake up from the best dream ever to change dirty diapers.  Trust me, waking up to sh*t is never a good thing.  _________________________________________________________

(4) I would force feed you salty toe jam for inviting construction workers to jack hammer the pavement right in front of my bedroom window.  _________________________________________________________

(5) I would scotch tape your wrists and ankles together for reminding all my bill collectors that I haven’t paid my overdue balances. _________________________________________________________

(6) I would clobber you with a bag full of nickels for sending Jehovah’s Witnesses to my door before I’ve wiped the crud out of my eyes.  _________________________________________________________

(7) I would pinch you with crab claws for hiding my keys just as I’m rushing out the door.  _________________________________________________________

(8) I would punch you in the face for dragging me into the heart of rush hour traffic.

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(9) I would run over your toes with a tricycle for inviting the guy in the suit & bowtie to come over and sell me bean pies and incense.  _________________________________________________________

(10) I would horse whip you with Shaniqua’s bad weave for telling the homeless lady that I have spare change. 

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(11) I would clip you up with clown shoes for supporting McDonald’s decision to stop serving pancakes after a certain time. 

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(12) I would stick you with push pins for cooling off my waffles before the steam finishes rising from my chicken wings.

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(13) I would slap you like a two-bit hoe for signaling the lady with the bad breath to come over and talk to me.  _________________________________________________________

(14) I would violently blame you for Starbucks running out of espresso shots.

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(15) I would kick you in the shin with steel-toed boots for convincing the school crossing guard to take her job way too seriously.  Now she’s stopping traffic and giving out tickets like a traffic cop.

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(16) I would put freshly chewed gum in your hair for being just as rowdy as those bad ass kids on the metro bus.

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(17) I would cannon-ball dive on your forehead for hiding all the coffee in the cafeteria.

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(18) I would put you in a headlock for advising my supervisor to call an 8am staff meeting. 

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(19) I would ram you in the stomach like a raging bull for drinking all the water from the water cooler just as soon as my mouth feels like I’ve swallowed a bag full of cotton.

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(20) I would douse you with llama spit for directing the senior choir to sing off pitch during the entire church service. 

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I’m sure, Morning, if I had a little more time to sleep on it without you interrupting me, I could think of 20 more reasons to kick your ass.  But if you aren’t scared by now, then you are a bad mamma jamma!  At any rate, I need to put my head on my desk so I can steal a moment away from Afternoon.  Afternoon is my friend, unlike you. 

Before I go I’ll leave you with this: I better not catch your ass out on the street.  If I do, you’d better run in the opposite direction.  I have no doubt that I would pummel you.  All it takes is a little creativity and  effort.  And I’m smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started! 

So Morning, now that night is creeping upon us, I would strongly advise you to sleep with one eye open. 

 

Quote of the week:   “I may be drunk now but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

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