Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

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Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

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What Part of Adolescent Behavior Should Teachers be Responsible For, Some or All?

First and foremost, let’s begin this post by warning anyone that doesn’t have a sense of humor to cease and desist immediately.  Ion’t need anyone hating on those of us with a few jokes in our hearts.  Real talk. 

Now if all minds are clear, we can begin. 

More times than a little bit, we are forced to be reminded of how bad our sweet little kids are – in the grocery store; during a meditational church prayer; inside a restaurant, a movie theater, or the laundromat.  And after we’ve hung our heads in shame, hidden under a table, rock or some fat lady’s dress, which is of course always the first thing we do from sheer embarrassment of raising such sweet-faced spawns of the devil, we pull out the Parents’ Handbook for Dummies: A Guide to Punishing Kids Who Couldn’t Care Less About Their Weak Ass Parents or Their Dumb Punishment Attempts.  Surely we know that this handbook is nothing more than a reminder of how blunderous we are as parents for not being able to get a grip on our kids in private and often more in public.  “No more to that,” I say!  In this new day and age the finger is no longer pointed at the ineffective parent!   

Stick with me while I explain.  

Once upon a time bad behavior could be blamed as the result of a timid housewife, an absentee father or even a poor environment of a child’s neighborhood.  But now that we’ve skated pass the 1950s, it’s time that we place blame somewhere else.  Let me ask you.  If [working] parents spend more time at work than they do at home, where do children spend most of their days?  No.  Not a juvenile detention center.  They spend all of their time at school, so naturally the first person to blame for the disruptive behavior of the child that no one wants to babysit is none other than the teacher!  

Teachers come into the classroom with one agenda: to teach.  They teach math, science, social studies, language arts, foreign language, even religion.  But they don’t teach discipline.  Why the hell not?  If they know that 69.3% of students in each classroom are offensively bad, why don’t they spend less time writing notes home to parents in an effort to remind us of how we’re failing as guardians instead of drafting up a damn disciplinary education standard to get those attitudes in check?  There’s no need to tell us about our kids’ discipline problems.  We already know they’re bad as sh*t.  What they’re telling us is that there is a lack of effort and responsibility in our classrooms.  Our teachers are too lazy to tell our brats to shut the hell up!  If they are spending more time with our kids than we are, then it’s only fair that they hold more of a percentage in the area of disciplinary responsibility, right?  It’s just common sense.  

Hell, we spend eight hours a day dealing with bad attitudes, unrealistic demands and never-ending chores, all for little to no paycheck.  When we get home, we are expecting the teachers to bombard our kids with multiple chapters worth of homework, detention slips and drained energy from sending their bad asses back and forth to the principal’s office.  When they send our kids home all well rested and free from studying, they are only telling us that they do not value the progression of our children’s citizenship. 

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Imagine, leaving the discipline up to the parents.  As if we don’t already have enough on our plates. 

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When the kids finally graduate after spending 6 or 7 years in high school, who takes the credit for them graduating?  Teachers, of course.  Why be all finicky when it comes to their behavior?  

Look, teachers.  All we, as parents, are trying to do is be fair.  We’re simply trying to give you the credit where you deserve it and raise a stink when you fall short.  Teach the damn kids some manners and respect so that we don’t have to be called bad parents when they come home with these nasty attitudes.  Stake your claim in the effort of raising some good standing citizens while they’re still young.  Just keep in mind that the next time one of our kids comes home with some foul language that you’re going to get your ass kicked.  Since our feet aren’t super-glued to the playground, they are your responsibility from 8:30-3:00.  So you need to be aware of what they’re talking about; whom they are messing with; when they skip class; when they skip school; fight; fuss; sleep; pout; whine; cheat; and/or lie.  You’re getting paid to do the same sh*t we are too tired to do for free. 

Now if you think this letter is too much of a big pill to swallow, relish in the thought that 90% of any effort is getting started.  And trust me, it’ll probably be easier to digest if you hit the bottle first. 

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Quote of the week:  “Education is when you read the fine print. Experience is what you get if you don’t.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

In Search of Non-Morning Person Support Group

Seems to me I remember sharing with the world how much of a morning person I am not some time back in 2009.  Still, all my mornings pretty much begin the same – brutal traffic that points its finger and laughs at me as I cuss all the way to work; stale bagels; and yesterday’s coffee.  Today seems to be as good a day as any to reiterate how much I despise people who bombard me with useless conversation about how they are doing when it’s clearly marked on my forehead how much I don’t give a damn; customers who call the office first thing in the morning to ask questions they seem to already know the answers to; and coworkers who are not considerate enough to let me take my coat off before pawning their work off on me so they can play endless games of internet Bejeweled.  

Perhaps if my night ended in a peaceful manner, filled with salty french fries, a throwback comedic marathon, like “I Love Lucy”, and a foot massage from a rich princess who runs a country somewhere in the tropics and looks like Kim Kardashian, I wouldn’t feel like coming to work with a machine gun full of bubblicious chewing gum and stink bomb pellets.  Alas, I’m not that lucky, and neither are those people who float across my threshold on cloud 9 any time before high noon – aka, lunch!  Especially if they aren’t toting a box of piping hot Popeyes chicken or seemed to have left their manners at home and omitted to say, “Good morning,” before tossing words around like, “I need you to,” and “I know you’re busy but…”  Those are the people who get their car doors scratched with a pair of keys or accidentally runs over a glass bottle of Millers Genuine Draft without any idea of what kind of non-morning person would do such a thing to them. 

Now by mid-day when my mood has calmed and my taste buds have settled on what it desires for the lunch time fix, a whole new wave of gripe and grudge takes over my body once my eyelids have become heavy and the clock does anything but move its big hand closer to the 12 and the little hand on the 5.  This is around the time when office colleagues, business vendors, and out-of-office meeting guests should all enter my personal space with caution.  To put it mildly, only approach me if wearing a suit of armor while holding a bungee cord to assist me in an early dismissal of work through the 17th floor window.  But seriously, what are the chances of that happening?  If your answer is “little to none” much like my answer is, there is an alternative solution.  Boredom is the next overwhelming feeling after passing the I Don’t Want to Be Here stage of the day.   Here’s when practical joke mode kicks in.  

Accidentally jam the photocopier, fill all the toilet bowls in the building with Bounty paper towels or make prank 911 calls from your boss’ desk phone and just sit back and wait for the fun part to begin.   

I would’ve included a nice clip of an overflowing toilet but you did just eat your lunch in the previous paragraph and that simply would’ve been another mess for you to clean up before quitting time.  At any rate the day must go on if you wish to continue receiving your paychecks.  So as much as I would love to sit here and continue telling you how much of a morning person I am not, or an afternoon person for that matter, I must dust off my glue gun and stick some folders to the bottom of the file cabinet in hopes to never see them again.  But if you have some time, let’s meet up after work for a drink.  By then I will be in the jolliest of moods and won’t mind so much stupid comments, selfish company or inconsiderate people because I’ll be too consumed by alcohol to give a sh*t.  

Five o’clock isn’t that far away.  I can make it.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.  

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Quote of the week:    “Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn’t you say so?  There’s a support group for that.  It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”   -Drew Carey

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.”