Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 2-8, 2011

This week your underwear may have less holes in them and you might be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 6-12, 2010

There are many unanswered questions in this jacked up universe of ours.  Now is the time to thank your lucky stars that there’s one psychic left who cares enough to teach you how to pay the universe back for all the mean tricks its played on you in the forms of lying, pimples and broken promises of people who didn’t deserve you in the first place.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A man who eats with one chopstick is sure to go hungry. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You know how there’s always that one person in a bunch you can’t stand to be around? This week YOU are that person.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

A bb gun, a nail clipper and a pair of holy socks will really come in handy when you’ve run out of deodorant.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is not to listen to your own dumb advice.  Listen to someone else so you can blame them when things go wrong. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Sugar and spice and everything nice is what every man picks up with his 5-finger discount when his lady friend PMSes for the 100th time in a damn month.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Everything you eat will taste like it has freezer burn. Even them nasty ass hoes you can’t bring home to mama.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When it comes to your friends and enemies, it’s best to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The crap of a pigeon brings good luck, minus dozens of people pointing and laughing.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Maybe you’re just soooo attractive that you intimidate people from wanting to get into a relationship with you. Yeah, go with that.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 24-30, 2010

So this week, your underwear have less holes in them and you may be asked out on a date to end your dry spell.  However, you won’t know for sure until you’ve had your fortune told by the one and only Hottywood! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If crap was money, you’d be rich! You’re going to be full of two things this week: Sh*t and drama.  It’s time to suit up, champ…it’s going to be a tough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to have Athlete’s Foot in your left armpit.  The worst part is you’re going to spend the rest of the week trying to figure out how the hell this is possible. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your farts will take on a personality of their own, much like Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

All of your breakfasts will taste like strained corn chips.  Try washing your mouth out with soap or brushing your teeth for a change.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have something special to smile about; your deodorant hasn’t given out on you – yet.  Things are looking up.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only answer you can muster up to anyone’s question is, “Because I said so, biatch.” Watch your back. Someone’s going to whoop your ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

A blessing is headed your way in the shape of an onion loaf or possum poop. It’s going to be a good week, though a little funky.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Looking at yourself in the mirror will make you realize just how allergic you are to stupid ass people.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s time to take on the personality of someone else because no one likes who you really are right now. Either stop or start being an asshole. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If anyone asks you what that thing is on your lip, just tell them you were stung by a mutant bumble bee. Your secret’s safe with me. o_~

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

I would only order shrimp when eating out, if I were you.  Any other kind of meat may not be exactly what you expect it to be.  However, the food poisoning could equal some days out of work.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Life would be so different if you’d have only made the right decision when you had the chance. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”