When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?
HOTTYWOOD!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.
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Quote of the week: “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”

