Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 17-23, 2010

We took a moment for the simple sake of finding a quick route escape from Karma’s jokes and Luck’s sour jingle, only to be greeted with Destiny’s middle finger.  “F” you back, you three bitches!  You’ve cast your spell like three old witches.  We’ve no choice but to find out what all this voodoo is all about.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All the things you really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.  What a life.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Donuts are proof of all things good in the world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Today’s promise is tomorrow’s restraining order.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your street cred is null and void because contrary to popular belief, having a paper cut does not equate to being stabbed by a shank.    

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s not a good thing if your foot stench is strong enough to be smelled over the speaker of a cell phone. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be cursed to have a bunch of first dates with people who are only familiar with five-finger discounts & sale prices at the thrift store.  Hide your wallet until the checks come. You’re fronting the bills.    

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Paper cuts – much like people – remind you just how annoying little pricks can be.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

All of your socks will give off an aroma that will only attract canines.  Avoid fire hydrants and raw hide. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Being wrinkled is your contribution to paying homage to a trailer park community. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Draw a dart board on your forehead.  It’ll be easier for people to find the perfect spot to smack when you  say something inevitably stupid – again. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re going to deal with a lot of sh*t today.  If you’re lucky, public restrooms will remind you of all the comforts of home, minus the ring around the toilet seats.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You may be at risk of being your own best friend and your own worst enemy.  Ah who are we kidding?  You are your only friend with a village of enemies. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Don’t keep anyone guessing for too long – they’re sure to seek the answer some place else.”

Writing a New Chapter

For all of you who are looking forward to this week’s Hottywood’s HORRORscopes, sadly I must disappoint you with some bitter-sweet news. 

You know how business moguls get to vacation in St. Tropez and schzmuuuschz with other executives and high-banking celebrities?  Well that’s exactly what I’m doing — only different

While seeking a little much needed R&R is in order, I’m busy exploring new dreams; new visions; and dare I say, new catastrophies — to look deeper into destiny’s mossy swamps and rare flowers.   I’m delving into new adventures; new fates; and new creepy lessons to be learned. 

The mysteries of tomorrow is a blank page waiting to be seduced by a ball-point pen.  …and well, my scandal-seeking friends — we all know I aim to please! 

All for you and the sake of witty entertainment, I — with the help of some of my very talented Hottylicious friends — am busting chops to bring three little winches named Karma, Fate and Lady Luck, to a desk or laptop near you, by way of a ground-breaking series — Hottywood Helps: The Webisode! 

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For the first time ever, you’ll not only get to read about the scandals that take place in the Hills of Hottywood, you’ll get to see it for yourself.

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But don’t pack your bags just yet, kids.  We’re still getting the city ready for your grand tour.  Patience, young grasshoppers.  “Patience” is the name of this game.   

 CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 26-October 2, 2010

If there’s one thing you should know it’s in what direction your luck may go.  Whether left or right or right or wrong, in stinky bloomers or uncomfortable thongs.  The week begins with a fall of rain and all weekend fun is now down the drain.  You may be surprised at what comes your way but with a little help you can play it safe.  If you remember one thing and nothing else, never forget that Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No amount of heat will be enough to get the wrinkles out of any of your shirts.  Carry a paper cup for spare change, you bum. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For seven days, you will either be profusely sweaty or profusely gassy. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You might be in control over your own destiny, but you have no control over a shady bitch named Karma. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Carrying a rabbit’s foot may be lucky for you as long as you don’t pay attention to the fact that you’re carrying the luck of that poor dead legless bunny. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will stutter and spit every time a pigeon flaps its wings.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

People will only understand you if you speak in “baby talk.”  Babies will just look at you like you’re stupid.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Bathing in boiled potato water just may change the outcome of your day.  The question remains, “For better or for worse?”

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A great hooker once said, “You have to give in order to get.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Having multiple personalities will come in handy when you drive in the HOV lane during rush hour. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

By complete accident, you will ask one too many questions and receive a priceless punch in the lower lip area. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

One of your greatest strengths is being the only one not invited to any parties. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If someone tells you you’re the spitting image of Tevin Campbell, they’re not complimenting you. 

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Quote of the Week:   “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Alcohol: An American Contribution

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, lushes, drunks and everyone called anything that means the same damn thing – HAPPY ALCOHOL APPRECIATION WEEK! 

How often do we get a chance to raise our glasses and drink without guilt or shame in honor of the booze that makes us feel the way we should feel sans alcohol?  Not often enough!  Well now is the time to gather our most tainted, disruptive, uncontrollable friends, who each have no self control or sense of moderation and pay tribute to the substance that lands most unexpected nerds, losers and zeroes in bed with those folks who are clearly out of their league. 

Dating back to the early 1400s, man has had an unorthodox appreciation for alcohol.  On his voyage to the New World in the 15th century, Christopher Columbus brought with him a bottle of Sherry.  After writing and signing the Declaration of Independence in 1776, the founding fathers toasted the signing of the document with Madeira wine.  

If we are able, and in most places around the country, required to celebrate our forefathers for their contributions to our American history, then so shall we celebrate their choice of recreation of downing the liberties that gives this great country its uninhibited spirit.

How can alcohol be all bad if it’s contributed so much to the celebration of the New World?  It’s even a part of our great educational system – history, recess and science.  Let’s kick some knowledge a bit on alcohol and learn before we are too wasted to remember.  In chemistry, an alcohol is any organic compound in which a hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, usually connected to other carbon or hydrogen atoms.  An important class are the simple acyclic alcohols, the general formula for which is CnH2n+1OH.  Of those, ethanol (C2H5OH) is the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages, and in common speech the word alcohol refers specifically to ethanol.  However, because most people are too f*cked up to remember the scientific formulas for the euphoric enhancing product or not bright enough to grasp the concept of what they’ve just read a few sentences ago…ALCOHOL IS GOOD BEFORE THINGS GO BAD.

Everyone does it.  Some religions drink it for their communions and remembrance of God.  Doctors drink it before a surgical procedure.  They figure if there’s a strong chance of getting sued for malpractice, why not go all out and get blasted before sticking any needles anywhere?  Dentists make you gurgle mouthwash, which is saturated with alcohol, before sticking a gigantic drill in your mouth to tackle bad breath and cavities.  In other words, they get you drunk so you can’t feel the pain or hear the screams of the other patients sitting in any chairs or rooms next to you.

People get wasted after work, before work and sometimes even during work – and no, I’m not referring to office parties.  More folks than a few have a couple of gin & tonics for their lunch.  Some feel it’s a guaranteed effort of getting through the day without beating the living day lights out of any fellow coworkers.  Some feel it will help them concentrate on not banging their heads against the wall during long and boring meetings.  Those folks however are considered alcoholics.  They have no self control and usually can not wait until they’ve gotten home, kicked off their shoes, fed the cat and thrown themselves across the couch to belligerently go into couch potato mode — you know, like normal people do.  Even after a hard day of fighting crime and using his ex-ray vision to peek beyond the fabrics of women’s Victoria’s Secrets, Superman comes home and unwinds to a bottle of 80 proof of something or other.  And seriously, there’s no greater American hero than Superman, unless Captain America comes to your mind, and even he probably hit the bottle a few times before or after facing any of those great world war battles.

In a recent study, more than 54% of the children surveyed had tried alcohol by the time they reached eighth grade, which goes to show you that booze is even growing in the adolescent community.  Sure, it may be bad now, but those young lushes in training will have something to look forward to once they’ve hit the irresponsible ages of 18 and 21, because really, who waits until they’re 21 to chug-a-lug?   Some parents even douse their fingertips in a glass of whiskey for their babies to lick on to settle them down from whining and crying.  It’s better than teaching them to smoke.  Smoking is bad for your lungs.  If your parents are your greatest influence(s), then you probably have them to thank for your dire need of alcoholic consumption, endless breathalyzer tests and countless DUI’s.  One thing’s for damn sure; if you have a police record for being under the influence, you are anything but boring and everyone will want you to be the life of their party.  Not to mention, every party needs a fall guy when the police comes knocking at the door!

Alcohol is and has been a great part of our universal culture.  It’s been used by people around the world – in the standard diet, for hygienic/medical reasons, for its relaxant and euphoric effects, for recreational purposes, for artistic inspiration, as aphrodisiacs, and for many other reasons. In a nut shell, it’s time to wobble our drunk asses over to the bar and order another round!  So what if vomiting is imminent?   That’s our body’s way of making room for more!  Nobody likes a quitter.  And all it takes is a little effort not to quit partying like a true rock star!  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:    “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” 

A Day in the Life in the Hills of Hottywood

Misconception
 
There are many myths that lurk in the cold streets of Hottywood.  But let me tell you it’s not all the glitz and the glamour you may imagine.  It has nothing to do with sex, drugs or booze.  It’s not about money, fame, or chasing lost dreams.  Sure, there’s no denying all those things are great; they’re the perks that come with the package.  It’s about so much more; more than principle; more than revenge; even more than respect.  Because in the hills of Hottywood, you’ve got to want it all
 
The Bum Wrap
 
The day started like any other – brandy, spiked with a little coffee – iced.  A tailored pinstripe get up, accessorized with expensive shoes, and a few slices of bacon wrapped in aluminum foil to get the day going.  Afterall, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  I got a call from Jimmy “The Fish,” asking me to meet him at the cafe on the hill – low key and under the radar.  Jimmy and I go way back.  All the way back to when tube socks with rings around the ankles were just as popular as stiffing a meter in a cab.  You couldn’t pin old Jimmy though even if you were a sumo wrestler on steroids.  He’s slippery like a fish and would rat you out for a nice shiny brick of gold.  But he doesn’t lie.  
 
I met up with him at the Banana Boat cafe.  It’s a classy dive with crappy music, but the drinks make up for the misinterpreted entertainment.  As I sipped on my Jack and coke, Jimmy confessed to me that he’d gotten mixed up with some bad guys over a small bag of ice worth more than Paris Hilton’s “That’s Hot!” phrase.  He needed me to hold the prize while he got his name off the radar.  I figured I owed him for all the jams he’s gotten me out of in the past. I generally don’t mix with the bad guys.  However sometimes you have to know some in order to determine how to play the game.  At any rate, I agreed to help out my pal.  Anything for a friend, right?  
 
Upon leaving the block of the rendezvous point with Jimmy, a long, black stretch limo pulled up in front of me.  “Mr. Hottywood, I presume.”  A husky voice traveled behind an exhale of smoke from a Cuban cigar smoking creepy old guy with dark shades, speaking from the other side of amber tinted windows. 
 
“Are you a bill collector?” I asked, sarcastically yet calm. 
 
“You can say that.” he responded. 
 
“I don’t believe I caught your name.”  This conversation was taking a risky turn and I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. 
 
“You will, Mr. Hottywood.  You will.” 
 
And with that reply, the window raised until the only thing I could see through the glass was my own reflection, just before the limo drove off, leaving me with an accelerated heart beat and some bruises on my ass from kicking myself for getting mixed in Jimmy’s scum wraps.  
 
I decided to skip work and head back to the loft for a pick-me-up with nothing more than my thoughts and a chilled bottle.  Why would Jimmy pawn his stash onto me knowing this deal was something more than I’d ever get involved with?  Jimmy’s many things, but careless is not one of them.  So now it’s time to think; think like Jimmy. 
 
After a few sips and a couple of zzz’s, I hit the pavement.  I had to get some scoop on the tobacco inhaling boss man.  I had to be prepared for anything.  Greed is blind and it doesn’t know when to stop.  It’s up to me to find order.  
 
Deonatello Ward
 
He’s one of the city’s top crime lords.  He owns most of the swankiest hangouts, stock in the local police department and every hustler on every corner this side of the oak tree. 

First rule of the game.  Know your enemy.  I think it’s about time to pay a visit to Miss ChiChi Ortegaopolis.  She’s my dig on the inside.  You’d be amazed at how much information you can learn about someone with nothing more than a nice smile, good interpersonal skills, a cigarette and a blackberry.  It’s time to even the playing field.  Mr Ward, let the games begin.  
 
The Informant’s Rules
 
Unironically, nearly moments after I shagged my set of eyes for a little 411 on my S.O.S, I noticed I was being tailed by the cops.  This time, unpaid parking tickets had nothing to do with anything.  This was a setup.  However things came to no surprise.  Nothing suprises me in the hills of Hottywood.  My snitch is just as elusive as Jimmy.  She’s dangerous, conniving and manipulative, but a real knock-out.  And beauty is one cold mistress.  One thing I’ve learned from this fox is that there are a few simple rules that behooves a guy to know if he must scrap with the big dogs:
 
1.  Expect to be deceived.
2.  Know how to read between the lines; and
3.  Always have a plan.
 
Like the steady breeze of the wind, I gave the feds the slip and made my way to the west side of town; where the other half lives.  Acres of land, gated properites, watch dogs and armed agents.  My kind of party
 
Face Your Fears
 
I came face to face with large Egyptian inspired engravings on a door fit for a castle.  “Mr. Ward’s got style,” I thought to myself, though I wasn’t surprised by the flashy taste money can buy.  I rang the doorbell, which chimed louder than a bell tower,  however to no warmed welcome.  In fact, to no welcome at all.  So I took it upon myself to invite me in. 
 
The guards that stood at all the entrances were a breeze to get passed.  I always say, “a few Taebo kicks and punches does just as much damage as it does good.” 
 
I patrolled the home, taking in its exquisite artwork, high ceilings and no sense of coziness, only to be distracted by an infuriated voice coming from behind a slightly shut door. 
 
“You idiots!” Mr. Ward shouted into his tightly gripped telephone receiver.  “What do you mean you let him get away? Find him and I mean right now!”  The force he put behind slamming the phone on the desk revealed all the signs of strings unraveling. 
 
“Mr. Ward, I presume.”  I stood confidently in the threshold of the acoustics-filled office. 
 
“Wha…What?  How did you get in here?  Guards!”  Frantic is the only way to describe the mood. 
 
“I wouldn’t bother disturbing the guards.  They’re all napping right now.  You see Mr. Ward, I don’t like being intimidated, followed or attacked.  That isn’t a proper way to play nice with other chaps, wouldn’t you say?”  The tone in my calm voice lit a fire under his rage.  He was like a bull seeing red, much to my delight.  There’s nothing more gratifying than having a high lead over your opponent. 
 
“Now you listen to me, you little prick!  You’re going to give me those diamonds even if it costs you your life.”  His rage was targeted and his eyes empty.  He stood tall, his shadow draping the wall. 
 
“Diamonds, Mr. Ward?  You mean the diamonds that you stole from Louigi Vasquez and his boys during a certain high stakes game of poker?   You see, I know a little more about you than you think.  However where you got the goods and from whom, I’d say, are the least of your problems.  I think you should be more concerned with that entourage of very pissed off gentlemen surrounding your home with big shiny guns and baseball bats, who I bet are just itching to take back what you stole from them.  The most interesting part of the equation is that all of your guard dogs are asleep and you’re unprotected — without your precious diamonds, I might add.  You’d better think quick, old man.  You haven’t much time.” 
 
When the first round of bullets crashed through the glass of the office window, I knew it was my time to escape.  My plan was merely set in motion.  It wasn’t quite over yet. 
 
The Get-Away
 
Three days later I woke up early to meet Jimmy at the Banaba Boat for another 80 proof cocktail.  He brought with him a most entertaining front page newspaper article whose title read: FRONT RUNNER CRIME LORD FATALLY SHOT IN HOME; NO SURVIVORS/NO SUSPECTS. 

Although we laughed at the fact of Mr. Deonatello Ward finally getting a taste of his own medicine, no doubt jeopordizing the lives of his knights of the roundtable, we found more humor, as well as solace in knowing Louigi Vasquez and his gang will never find out what happened to the ice. 

Jimmy actually came through in the end.  He always said that I was the smartest, most capable person he knew, and that he could trust me with anything.  Even his life. 
 
The End
 
In the end, I learned that even though our friendship had its rough moments, the 50% split Jimmy offered me for the diamonds more than made up for the heat.  $75 million never looked so good.  I guess sometimes it pays off to hang with the wrong people for the right reasons.  And thus ladies and gentlemen, concludes a day in the life in the hills of Hottywood.  


 

The Office Idiot: Why Stupid People Get Hired & Not Fired

Raise your hand if you’re privileged enough to work with someone you deem as “stupid.”  What makes them stupid?  Is it the questions they ask that make absolutely no sense?  Is it the completely idiotic jOffice_Idiot_2okes they tell?  Is it the fact they are supposed to be the expert in their field, yet they have no idea what in the hell they are really doing?  Let’s face it – every office has one stupid person in it.  So why is it that the most qualified person for the job is the one who gets passed up or canned? 

So many of us smart people have been asking this question since we were old enough to work.  The average person would think that stupid people get hired for jobs because smart people don’t apply, but whether you work in a Fortune 500 corporation or a fast food restaurant, the answer to this question is simple.  Stupid people are hired because every office or business has a SP quota that they need to fill.  What is “SP” you ask?  Duh….STUPID PEOPLE! 

STUPID QUOTEThe SP Quota is an unwritten statement that was inducted into the widely known Equal Employment Opportunity Act of 1995.  It’s unwritten because the person who thought of it was too stupid to include it in the bill when congressed passed the EEO laws 15 years ago, either for fear of public stir or sheer stupidity.  Whatever the reason, the non-genius didn’t realize was how much of an impact this unwritten law would have on the stupid people of America. 

Stupid people come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  And though they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag, they bring a certain decorum to every office.  They disguise themselves in fancy clothes and pretty smiles and usually have the best Confusedmanners, but if you look at their job performance they are nothing more than employees paid to look pretty or fill an empty desk.  These dim-witted nincompoops are not completely useless however, contrary to what you may believe.   They serve a purpose for brighter employees that includes, but are not limited to practicing insults, target practice and back-stabbing.  In a simple case scenario, an intelligent worker will ask the opinion of the brainless, take their answer and do the complete opposite, usually bringing forth a remarkable result to the initial inquiry.  Because these people are so good at being stupid, they are none the wiser to the formula that ranks their intelligence level at the bottom of the office community food chain.    In fact, the more stupid a person is, the greater their chances are to be hired. 

Let’s take a look at a few examples of some of the dumb sh*t people actually put on their resumes and explore what this person is really trying to say.  Keep in mind that none of this is made up. People really did put this bullsh*t on their resumes or job applications.

  •  It’s best for employers that I not work with people.   – Translation: I am mean, untrustworthy and will eat your lunch if you leave it in the office refrigerator. I also drink and smoke a little pot. 
  • My fortune cookie said, “Your next interview will result in a job.” And I like your company in particular.  – Translation: I don’t read books because the words are too big. 
  • I saw your ad on the information highway, and I came to a screeching halt.   – Translation: I will be consistently late for work until the day you receive a phone call from the police or a hospital. 
  • Graduated in the top 66% of my class.   – Translation: There is absolutely nothing about me that will set me apart from anyone else.  I am average and ordinary and you will probably forget my name within the first week that I am hired. 

These are perfect examples of people who should be hired for a job – because they would provide the best forms of entertainment for any office. 

Office_IdiotOffice mates can throw paper clips at stupid people.  They can play pranks on them and never get caught by their employers.  They can dump all of the work they feel are too menial for them to do and then suggest that the stupid person be reprimanded when the job is incomplete or performed incorrectly.  Stupid people are the best people to insult, gossip about and lie on.  They provide comedic relief for the rest of us who really matter.  Some are stupid by nature, others by association.  No matter what level of stupid they are, they are worth having around because they will be the ones most likely to not be invited to office parties, but will be expected to clean up once the party is over. 

Be warned that most stupid people do not take the job they are applying for as seriously as they do their after-hours drinking.  Case in point, the guy in the clip below:

…so if you imply to a stupid person that they are in fact stupid, they are liable to drag you in a dark alley and beat the living sh*t out of you.  One thing a stupid person is smart about is not getting caught whooping your ass. 

So there you have it – a complete understanding of why stupid people are hired and why most are not fired.  

Having said that, I’d better grab my keys and go.  I insulted our office idiot just this morning and I’m now watching her stand very closely to my car with a brick in one hand and a match in the other.  So kids, feel free to stop by and check me out anytime, as long as it’s no time before 11am.  If you knock on my door or ring my phone any time before then, I’ll cut your ass.  I so will. 

Until later my little Ethiopian honey-dipped sesame seeds!  Remember – 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:     “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”