The Lack of Luck from Bird Poop

If you were to ask almost anyone if a bird pooping on your head was considered  good luck, they’d probably tell you “yes.” Most likely because of some myth or superstition they heard while growing up or while chug-a-lugging at a beer keg party in college or some after-hours church function. But you didn’t ask just anyone; you asked me. …well you didn’t ask, I volunteered – same thing in my book. Anyway my answer would be “no!”

If I were to swing from a vine with my pants down to my ankles and shitted on your head, would you consider that to be good luck? I don’t think so. The luck you would incur from me actually pooping on your head is if you were to catch me and beat the crap (some pun intended) out of me. With this example in mind, if a bird does decide to do his business on your head, your luck will only change for the better if you’re lucky enough not to get crapped on again.

Think about it. If you have droppings of any kind to fall on your head you’d most likely have stinky hair, and no matter how much you wash your hair, you’ll forever be dubbed with the nickname “Shithead.”

If it’ll make you feel any better, birds don’t just fly through the air searching to find a culprit to drop a load on. Well not all birds. I’m sure there’s a renegade or two up there. But since most birds (most of us are used to ghetto pigeons) are scavengers, they are full of shit from the garbage they eat. And while they must carry their own weight, logically it must be difficult to sail through the hair with a heavy load of excrement in their tummy, so they blow it out in order to travel light. When you look at it that way, it’s clear that they aren’t pooping on you purposely. It’s not you. It’s the shit they eat.

Still you can’t beat inevitability. It’s a proven fact that shit happens.

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Quote of the Week:  “Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

I have absolutely no energy today. I don’t know why. I didn’t do anything all weekend. Now in addition to me having no energy, enthusiasm or motivation, I have the Monday blues. I’m grouchy and I don’t want anyone to talk to me even less than I want to speak to anyone else. Do you have any suggestions for a pick-me-up? 

Slave to the Weekend,

Dear Slave to the Weekend,

SoTiredConsidering you just told me that you sat on your ass all weekend, telling you to slow down from a busy lifestyle to get a proper amount of rest is out the window. Besides eating properly (inhaling fewer double bacon cheeseburgers), hydrating (excluding root beer floats and malt liquor beers) and exercising (jack rabbit sex does not fall into this category…this time), sleeping should do the trick to boost your energy.

But if the rest you’ve gotten from doing nothing all weekend hasn’t motivated you to be an active member of society; if you’ve eaten only half of a cheeseburger, a quarter less of a root beer float and had sex with yourself by yourself, and you’re still tired, chances are your lack of energy comes from you being lazy. And if that’s the case, increasing your energy levels must begin with you wanting to do something more than wasting space.

Here are a few practical suggestions for you:

Do interesting things.

Find something interesting to do with your time like making fun of people whose socks don’t match the rest of their outfit. You’ll find that laughter is a natural recharge for most Earthlings.

Music is always a good way to re-energize yourself provided you aren’t deaf. If you’re deaf, you obviously can’t hear any music and therefore this suggestion is of no use to you.

Read more HottywoodHelps.com (shameless plug).

Reduce Stress.

You’d be surprised how much cleaning up your clutter (especially your house/bedroom and negative, pointless and/or stupid people in your life) will zap your psyche and pull you to your feet.

Spend less time pretending to care about things you don’t care about like listening to someone actually answer your question when you robotically ask, “How are you doing today?”

Take frequent bubble baths and showers (or bird baths in public restrooms – however you keep your ass clean) in order to keep your body from carrying heavy amounts of filth build-up. Being dirty is hard work and hard work is a proven fact of making anyone tired [or lazy].

Exercise.

Have a lot of sex with a lot of people; preferably random people that you don’t know. Not only will it boost your energy; it will boost your ego. It’ll also boost your chances of contracting an STD, but hey – you can’t win ‘em all.

Tell the Chinese carryout cooks to increase the number of shrimp they put in your egg rolls. If your egg rolls are heavier, you’ll have a stronger chance of increasing your muscle mass, particularly your six pack one pack stomach muscle.

If none of these suggestions help your case then you are a lost cause and there’s nothing I, nor anyone else, can do for you.

Best of luck.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Is it true that it’s bad luck for a cat to walk across your path? 

Superstitiously Superstitious

Dear Superstitiously Superstitious,

Black Cat Bad LuckIt all depends on where you come from.

If you’re from the hills of Hottywood, a black cat that crosses your path is only bad luck if you’re walking or driving blindfolded and on the other side of the cat is a mountain cliff and a 100ft drop to your doom.

If you’re from Great Britain, black cats are seen as lucky and are often given in token form to brides. It’d probably be considered bad luck for the bride though if she’s allergic to cats or the people that gives them as tokens.

If you’re from Japan, black cats are considered good luck. In fact it’s said that [in Japan] if a woman has a black cat she will have many suitors. I don’t know how lucky that woman would be if she were a dominant lesbian and has sworn off men for the rest of her days.

In Western history, black cats have often been looked upon as a symbol of evil omens, specifically being suspected of being the familiars of witches. Apparently no one in Western history has ever seen Bewitched or Charmed. In contrast, some considered it lucky that both shows went off the air. Here, the luck depends on the person questioning it…and TV ratings.

The luck of cats also depends on the direction of the path the cat crosses…or if you’re cross-eyed and can’t tell the difference between one side from another. In Germany, some believe that black cats crossing a person’s path from left to right is a bad omen. But from right to left, the cat is granting favorable times. Why not just scotch-tape two baby kittens to your ankles? The balance of luck will offset good vs. evil. Wait, maybe not. Those kittens might use your ankles as scratching posts. Call me crazy but that doesn’t sound much like good luck.

Okay, so the answers that I’ve given in response to your question seems to lean towards the side of bad luck, however anything can be considered back luck if you don’t put barbeque sauce on it first. Life is what you make of it, not what someone else makes of it for you.

If I haven’t answered your question satisfactorily, allow a giant black panther to cross your path and report back to me what happened. If I hear from you, then that means you ran and got away; and he didn’t catch, scratch and eat you. All the world will automatically know that you’re lucky to be alive.

If I don’t hear from you again, well…question answered.

Hottywood

Let me tell you a little story: 

A friend of mine, whom we’ll call Anonymous, was riding his four-wheeled 10-speed bike (he has training wheels) when he saw a black cat nearly crossing his path. Instead of swerving to get out of the path, he decided to run over the cat and kill any chances of bad luck. That choice was a bad decision. 

Anonymous ran over the cat who by the way didn’t die but rather laughed at him. The front wheel of his bike exploded instantly causing him to lose control. He swerved speedily and ran over the legs of a beer guzzling homeless man. Unsurprisingly he flew off the bike and landed on an elderly woman, thus knocking her hip out of place. The bike ended up on the other side of the street atop a state trooper’s squad car. 

laughing cat

Anonymous was arrested for reckless driving, driving while under the influence (the homeless man’s beer spilled all over Anonymous’ “I Live for Luck” t-shirt), and was hit with a $5000 fine for premeditated animal cruelty. His bike was impounded and he’s still in litigation with the elderly woman and the homeless man who are both suing him for medical expenses.   

Was the situation a result of good luck unraveling or his own undoing?

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 18-24, 2010

Are you tired of people laughing at you behind your back without your knowing what the hell is so funny?  Then you’ve come to the right place.  I’ll be glad to tell you why the joke’s on you! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Surround yourself with people who are dumber than you in order to appear smarter.  Good luck with that.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When the IRS comes knocking at your door, it’ll be smart to have rubber glued to your ass so you can bounce like all your checks. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Sometimes it’s necessary to be wrong for all the right reasons – even if punching is involved. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The only use you will provide this week will be to keep a coffee table from wobbling. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Belching is the only time you seem to make sense. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can work wonders with a pair of tube socks, a paper clip and a roll of toilet paper.  Know your limitations.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That restless feeling you’ve been going through lately is just your body telling you it’s time to stop acting like a complete bitch.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

One fatal question will plague your mind this week: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Farting a hole in your underwear will be the highlight of your week. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If you want something done right, pay someone smarter to do it. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Turn the heat up on your relationship by upping the temperature on your thermostat. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You might as well laugh at yourself since everyone else is laughing at you. Follow the trend. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.”