Please Leave a Message at the Beep…or Don’t. I Don’t Care


“I’m sorry I’m not available to receive your call, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief detail of the purpose of your call, I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a great day!”


PHONE MESSAGEMaybe I was born under a rock, but whenever I get this message when I DO bother to call someone, I follow directions; leave my name, number and a brief detail of the purpose of my call, and then wait for someone to call me back. What I don’t do (and what I hate when anyone does it to me) is call the number back three, four or five THOUSAND more times until someone gets on the phone, annoyed enough to tell me to stop calling just before they hang up on me and block my number.

Guys and gals – especially if you are a guy or a gal that’s calling someone because you want to borrow money, sugar or get some ass – don’t do this! Just don’t. It’s intrusive, inconsiderate and pressed. It also implies that you can’t follow directions, which automatically makes one assume you were a D student in school who failed every subject except lunch.

I could elaborate on this, but I think I’ve spelled everything out in black and white. Oh wait…I forgot. Some of you are D students who failed every subject in school except lunch. I guess that would include English and Reading. So for the sake of argument, when you hear this:


“I’m not so sorry that I’m not available to receive your call, because chances are you are going to call back any way and disregard my opening statement that clearly states I’m not available to receive your call. I guess if you must, you can leave your name and number. There’s no need to leave a reason for your call because the chances of me not caring are great. I might call you back, depending on the number of times I see your number on my caller ID. You are most likely calling because you want something that I am unable or unwilling to give.  Listen for the beep and decide wisely on how you will proceed. Bye.”


Follow the damn directions and sit back and be patient. GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE THAT WAIT.

Quote of the Week:  “When you ignore a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual.”

For the Love of God, Get to the Point Already!

Far be it from me to be rude (any time after 3PM; or when someone I don’t like tries to hold an extended conversation with me or anyone that I know; or if I’ve not had sex in more than 4 days; or if my Chinese food doesn’t taste as tasty as I anticipate; or when I’ve been asked a stupid question first thing in the morning; or if I don’t like the way my barber cuts my hair; or…aww hell, I guess it isn’t that far from me to be rude), but if there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s when someone refuses to get to the point of a story…much like I just did with this first paragraph.

Last week I asked a friend about the status of her failing relationship. This week, I’m still waiting on the results of the status. I kid you not, she’s still describing the outfit she wore during the argument she had with her boyfriend that led me to ask about the status of the relationship. I guess it’s needless to say I no longer give a damn about her, her (I don’t know if he’s now her ex) boyfriend, or their relationship. And even more needless to say I don’t give a damn about what she was wearing. But for as long as she’s been describing this outfit (again, it’s been about a week, 6 hours, 47 minutes and 5.8 seconds), it sounds to me that if the relationship has failed, it has everything to do with what she was wearing. Either that or she bored him to death with her endless stories or rebuttals.

What am I trying to say here? Get to the point of your stories – especially if you are conversing with me or any other man on the planet. Most men, and by most men I mean all of us, have the attention span of a goldfish. Unless you are talking about sports, Nicki Minaj’s booty or Pamela Anderson’s boobs, you’ll lose us at hello.

PS, see how quickly I got to the point? Take note, people.

Thank you and goodbye. The end.


Quote of the Week:  “Your secrets are safe with me, because there is a good chance I was not listening.”