A Metaphoric Story with a Realistic Moral

Big Bird

Not long ago, in a land far, far away (and by far, far away I mean in my head), a talking yellow big bird (we’ll call him Big Bird), stole a wing full of sunflower seeds out of the candy dish that I conveniently, creatively and cleverly sometimes call my sunflower seeds dish.  Big Bird didn’t know, unfortunately, that all of the clouds and stars in the sky are my little spies rewarded by the chimney smoke (and by chimney smoke I mean…well, never mind) that I…again…never mind.  The clouds and the stars told me what Big Bird was up to. There. You satisfied?

Anyway, when I approached Big Bird about his un-stealthy theft, of course toting a bucket of boiling hot water, a machete, a rope, a garden hose, and an oversized plastic garbage bag, he stuttered over his words as he unsuccessfully attempted to deny laying his florescent feathers on my seeds, no doubt fearful (and rightfully so) that I would skin him alive for taking something that didn’t belong to him and lying about it. There was no way on this planet that I was going to let a goofy yellow bird get away with such ratchedness. So I waved the machete back and forth under his wattle until he admitted to his guilt or peed his pants (assuming big birds wear pants, which in this case he did…wear pants, that is).

One wing and a few tears later (and by one wing and a few tears later, I mean some days…I also mean I got hungry and irritated at the same time and severed one of Big Bird’s wings for a mid-Sunday snack. It was good, too), I’d forgiven Big Bird, but not after threatening to chop the rest of him up and fry him into little nuggets if he ever bothered to steal from me again, or lie [to me]. That, apparently in his eyes, meant I’d gotten over his thievery and forgotten how untrustworthy he is, was, could or should be. He’s since several times asked me for some sunflower seeds. GTFOH (expletives)! Each time my response has been “If I share my sunflower seeds with you, Big Bird, there ain’t a cow in Texas!”

Though this story continued with many exciting twists, turns, and both funny and corny quips, ultimately it ended in rivalry and a lawsuit (Big Bird never agreed to me eating his wing. He seemed to be quite attached to it. That is until I chopped it off. He’s now suing me for mutilating him and I’m countersuing him for pilfering my sunflower seeds).

*The moral of the story is even though I may forgive your foolishness, I’ll likely never forget it. Never bite the hand that’ll chop yours off.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

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All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

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Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

The “I” in Me, Myself and I

Everyone has experienced those types of folks who think they are better than everyone else.  You know who I’m talking about.  Generally, the people who used to be popular in high school, who are no longer as popular as the world told them they would be.  The very same people who are now grown, forgettable, working average jobs and are getting paid minimum wage at most. 

Somehow in their own little delusional world, everything still revolves around them.  As much as we want to point our fingers and laugh at the mistake they’ve made of thinking they are the greatest thing since sliced bread, some part of us, a part maybe the size of a mustard seed, can’t help but to acknowledge their commitment in being rightfully shallow and arrogant about their own greatness.  If there’s one thing we can take from these people, it’s the fact that they understand there is an “I” in “me, myself & I.”    

  • I am the best!”   
  • I can do no wrong!”
  • I don’t need you to agree because your opinion doesn’t matter.”   

To us, those people may not amount to a hill of beans but they are confident enough to believe otherwise.

Like all the supercilious folks on the planet, we need to find the confidence within ourselves to admit that we are special, different, and perfect in our own eyes because no one else will.  Everyone else is too busy being as special as we are and even more so consumed with reminding us why we don’t match up to their personal expectations of us

There’s one thing that we all fail to realize.  Everyone has flaws.  It kind of levels the playing field, don’t you think?  You may not have as many flaws as the next person but you do have them.  You just have to know how to make them work for you.  And if you can’t, then you really have to know how to do one of two things: 

  1. Pin point the flaws of others and make them sound a hundred times worse than they actually are, or
  2. Be clever enough not to show the public that your flaws are as embarrassing as people make them out to be.  In other words, know when and how to lie. 

Embrace your crooked teeth, split ends and small wardrobe.  Your shortcomings are a part of you that makes you different from the next person.  It is what makes you memorable — unless you have bad B.O. (body odor).  There is no walking away from that. 

So the next time someone walks up and says to you, “You think you’re all that,” you respond to them, “Yes I do.  Thank you for noticing.”  It doesn’t take that much to be a part time egotistical, conceited mutha-effer who doesn’t think his own sh*t stinks.  90% of any effort is getting started.  Try a little harder and f*ck what anyone else thinks!   The world is your oyster.  Use the shell to throw at all the ugly people who are way less important than you are and remember — Hottywood Helps!   

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Quote of the week:   “To attempt to advise conceited people is like whistling against the wind.”