Traffic’s Hate Mail

What would you say to traffic if you had the chance to catch it out on the street alone and vulnerable?  Find out what one irate driver had to say…

Dear Traffic,

It’s time we had a little chat.  I can’t remember the last time I heard of someone sitting down to tell you exactly how much bullsh*t you’re worth.  You are evil and rude and vindictive and I personally don’t like it.

As I sat in my car, singing out of tune at the top of my voice to that song I hate so much, but can’t help singing because I’ve heard it a dozen times (with all the cars on the road being at a complete stand still and all), I had time to think of what I’d say to you if I ever caught your ass alone on the street — off duty.

You’d better be lucky I can’t physically put my hands on you, because if I could the convo would go something like this; I’d start off by grabbing you by the collar and looking you dead in the eye, in fact, I’d look in both your eyes with only one of mine, kind of like a pirate [for the intimidation effect] and say:

“Damn you!  Damn you, Traffic, for the loud horns and the inconsiderate school kids sticking out their tongues and giving me the middle finger as they scurry back and forth in front of my car.  Where’s a safety patrol when you need one?  Damn you for making me miss my doctor’s appointments, staff meetings and one hour sales.  Curses for making me miss happy hour by 15 minutes!  I blame unneeded construction on you.  I blame potholes on you.  I blame broken traffic signals, slow walking old people and suicidal stray cats all on you.  It’s your fault, Traffic.  Do you hear me???”

At this point you’d probably give me a blank stare, kind of like you’re doing now, with an irritating smirk on your face, followed by a weak laugh — almost as if to ask, “What are you going to do about it?”  Oh, but I’ll tell you what I’d do about it.  I’d tie you down with duct tape and toss your ass in the middle of some train tracks with two speeding steam locomotives coming at you from both directions.  I’m not sure if I’d wait for the collision or not, but I am pretty positive that I’d find great pleasure in your panic.  The same panic that I feel as I dash through my office doors, hoping my supervisor doesn’t catch me; the same panic that I feel as I try to sneak into the church sanctuary without being called out by the minister; the very same panic I feel when I’m late picking up the kids from day-care, and the day-care teacher has a hot date…the first one in like, forever!  

You see, Traffic, if we could only compromise a little bit, then I wouldn’t have to track you down like a hunter during duck-hunting season.  All you need to do is fix it so that all the green lights remain green until I’ve passed.  Oh, and maybe keep a giant umbrella over my car when it rains.  Because you know as well as I do that people in the city can’t drive in the rain…or the snow…or at night…or…well you get my point.

So if you don’t want your ass beat, then I suggest you rethink your routine and give it a rest, already.  Stick your nose in the business of morning and evening mayhem only when I’m nowhere to be found on the streets.


Quote of the week:    “I don’t like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.”

ask-hottywood

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Stay in Your Lane

Not even the crisp winter air can stop the phenomenon of annoying center-street bicyclists.

Everywhere you turn, it seems as if everybody and their mama are trampling the streets on two wheels, most commonly [and annoyingly] during rush hour traffic. What isn’t so commonly known is that bicyclists are merely exercising their right to be too cheap or too poor to buy cars like the rest of the driving population of the planet. But if you were to ask the opinions of any driver of a four door sedan, cyclists are causing a rapid influx in horrifically funny road rage and bicycle tragedies.

As if it isn’t enough to have city streets plagued with bikers like roaches on a floor of a kitchen in an apartment complex somewhere in the projects, workers, children and tourists of all ages take advantage of traffic laws and spin their two wheels outside of their bike lane lines.

I have news for you cyclists:

The only rights you are enforcing is the right of a vehicle driver to lose his/her marbles to the point of running you over or getting out of his/her car to whoop your butt with your own bike! You are about as annoying as a little dog with a big bark, or as confused as a cat that thinks he was a dog in a former life.

Legally, road rage equates to disturbing the peace [and sometimes physical assault charges that could leave one locked up in a holding cell with criminals that carry street cred for major jail-time offenses], so no one literally wants to take a chance on side swiping a 10-speed bike, even though the thought lives actively in the minds of all those drivers that operate vehicles that require leaded or unleaded fuel.

Bicyclists alike should beware of drivers that are smart enough to toss banana peels out of their windows, conveniently in the bike lane, and more often outside of those lanes, since bikers now-a-days refuse to keep their asses in their designated paths. *Banana peels are the new middle finger to [bicycle] street  hogs.

Don’t say you haven’t been warned. 

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Quote of the Week:  “Anyone that drives slower than you is an idiot, while anyone that drives faster than you is a maniac.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

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Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”