Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 14-20, 2011

You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it.  Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 

After you’ve run and hidden from all the stress it’ll comfort you to know that Hottywood still helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wanting something really badly and being ready for that which you want are two different things.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A small mind gets trapped in a small world.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will spend a short period of time living in the past and may quickly realize that you should have left it right where it was.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are quick on your feet when it comes to lying, avoiding people to whom you owe money and peeing behind trees in residential neighborhoods. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not much of a difference between always being angry and always looking for something to make you happy.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Raise a glass and repeat the following: “Here’s to those that wish me well & those that don’t can go to hell!”

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The ring around your collar is closely identical to the ring around your tub.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Contrary to popular belief, spitting 16 bars of “Roses are red; Violets are blue,” does not make you a groundbreaking rapper.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Gym socks are the only thing that stinks worse than fear.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are only two things that have arguable rights to tell you if you are the fairest of them all: a fast talking mirror and a wise cracking homosexual.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every time you pass gas without saying “excuse me,” you will gain the weight equivalent to eating an entire loaf of bread.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to lube up your ankles if your ash is easily mistaken for chicken flour.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Somewhere in the vicinity there is a porcelain throne faintly calling your name.”

Refresher Course: What Not To Do on a First Date

In this day and age, dating has become more difficult than ever, well with all the games that  people play and the stipulations for the potentialities of the dates themselves.  Some people are hopeful while others bear all on chance, luck and booze.  But if you ask me, no matter how dry your well is or how hot your crotch may be, there should still be some limitations on what should and shouldn’t be considered acceptable “dating” behavior, especially when referring to the dreaded first date. 

Today we are not going to focus on all the right things that should take place during a first date.  It’s too mushy and not as much as fun as pin-pointing all the wrong and bad sh!t that can and more often than not goes wrong.  We’ve discussed first date rules before, however during my course of eavesdropping on conversations at a few dine-in establishments over the last few weeks, I’ve concluded that a ball park figure of about five gazillion daters need to be reminded of what not to do on a first date.  I understand that there may be some that asks who am I say?  Quite frankly, responding in my best Rick James voice, “I’m Hottywood, bitch!” 

Rule #1: Don’t show up for a first date showing too much.  I’m not going to spend too much time focusing on this because I’m sure all you bright citizens (and illegal aliens – the rules of dating apply to all who ultimately wants to get laid one day or one way or another) know what the hell I mean. 

Ladies, don’t show too much cleavage (that includes back cleavage), legs (especially if your date is the size of Professor Clump, because he may mistake them for drum sticks and may possibly try to eat you using a pitch fork, a butter knife and the nearest bottle of hot sauce), forehead zits (for obvious reasons) or wear too much makeup (think Ronald McDonald or the creepy little puppet from all the Saw movies.  Your bad makeup job will be the first thing your date sees and the last thing they remember, causing you to be the punch line of all their jokes as they tell their friends what a disaster you were your date was).  Doing any of these things will change your date’s perspective of you, causing him/her to think you’re cheap, horny, greasy, a piece of meat or an extra in a rural area carnival side show.  Don’t get me wrong, ladies.  By all means, please tease!  You want to give your date something to look forward to.  Just be careful not to serve it all on a platter before time of the main course.  Everyone knows all things don’t taste as good as they smell.  

Fellas, don’t show too much chest hair (old school pimp status), man boobs (no chick wants a man who has to buy and wear more bras than she does), ding ding prints (proves that your pants are too tight and may result in your Johnson not working right and causes your manhood to stink like rotten ketchup), belly button rings, tongue piercings or toe rings (are all gay and looks stupid on a man and if you wear them you should have a drink thrown in your face and never be allowed to date again).  

Rule #2: Lose the cell phone for a while.  It’s not a good look to give the illusion that you are more important than you are, especially when the person you’re breaking bread with doesn’t know enough about you to care.  It makes you look like you’re eager to show that you have friends or overly proud that you just bought a new cell phone.  It’s also rude and indicates that the person you’re communicating with over the phone warrants your attention more than the person you’re communicating with over the table.  If that’s the case then you made the date with the wrong person and you need to take your ass back home and try again and hope like hell they don’t do the same thing to you. Also cell phone frequencies slowly causes cancer and makes your appetizer course taste funny. 

Rule #3: Tongue kissing on a first date is a no-no!  Let’s be honest, nobody knows where the hell your lips have been, much less your tongue.  Halitosis may be an issue.  Gum disease could be a problem.  You wouldn’t get punched in the teeth for forgetting your dentures, obviously but you could still get decked some place else unless you forget your false stomach or your silicone forehead.  Try a kiss on a cheek (the face, not the ass).  It’s safer.  You even want to be careful kissing someone on their hand because if no one ever told you, people do some strange things with their hands. 

Rule #4: Don’t reveal too much personal information.  Under any circumstances do you ever want to reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Very rarely do you get a second chance to make a first impression.  Do not bring up your money problems because they imply that you are either cheap, broke, a closeted bank robber or an excessive gambler.  Don’t talk about any past relationships because it will lead your date down a path of searching for reasons [through your words and actions during the remaining moments of your get-together] of why your ass is single now.  Don’t talk about your sex life.  That’s an instant buzz kill simply because there are so many red flags attached.  For example, when you talk about your past love life, you look horny, desperate, prostitutish, and often times not hot enough for anyone to believe that you’ve gotten the ass you’re boasting about.  If you must bore your potential companion with a serious case of TMI, make sure it isn’t until the liquor bottle is half empty, that way you can blame your diarrhea of the mouth on the booze and your date will more likely appreciate being drunk so they don’t have to comprehend what you’re actually saying.

Rule #5: Last but not least, don’t spend any time blatantly advertising how attractive you are.  Let your date do that, otherwise you might as well strap a full length body mirror to the vacant seat at your dinner table.  Truth be told, anyone who thinks that much of their self isn’t worth thinking much about. 

____________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “People are like foreign foods.  Everything that smells good doesn’t taste good.”

Are You a Tithing Member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle? Rate Yourself.

It doesn’t take much to become a member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle.  With a little laziness, scandal and some effort in being trifling, you too can have courtside seats at the devil’s arena.  Just be sure to pack a water bottle because things tend to get hot! 

_____________________________________________________________

You’ve shown up for church hung over from the night before.  20 points 

You’ve brought your own communion wine to church.  60 points 

You’ve hooked up with another church member during service.  60 points  If that church member was the pastor, a deacon or deaconess, add 40 points. 

You use curse words in your prayers.  10 points 

You are a choir director but can not sing and only listen to hardcore rap.        10 points 

Your church bylaws come from a Hollywood gossip magazine or some variation of a national inquirer.  40 points 

You’ve re-enacted the Lord’s supper or the Last supper at a McDonald’s food chain.  30 points 

You’ve shown up for church without wearing any underwear.  10 points 

You’ve shown up for church wearing someone else’s underwear.  20 points 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***      

Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle  Membership Rating  

0 – 60              You are almost but not quite a serious sinner. 

61 – 100          You either need Jesus or a psychiatrist.

101 – 160        You need to be hosed down with holy water. 

161 – 300        Pack your bags for a permanent vacation to hell!   

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 31-August 6, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s a little ghetto to replace cake icing with mayonnaise unless you or your next door neighbor’s name begins with “La-” and ends with “-isha.”

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If someone pushes you, you can pull them. If someone pulls you down, you can always bite their ankles.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Working one day a year only works for Santa Claus.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone will be sick of your sh!t. And when they’re not sick, they will be tired. Now is a good time to buy some running shoes because your ass is two shakes of a lamb’s tail from getting kicked.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a bald-headed street cleaner that sniffs luggage at the airport for recreation.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being underestimated gives you automatic rights to tell your haters, “I told u so.”

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just another way of saying your opinion isn’t worth $.02.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your success is destined to go in one of two directions: up the ladder or up the river.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

As fashionable as you think you are, all of your taste is only in your mouth.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Although it may smell like it later, the beans in your burrito is not really beans at all.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Some say it’s best to avoid fruits, nuts, turkey & sh!t because you are what you eat.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The next person you French kiss will look as if they’ve been sucking on green jolly ranchers all day.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “People that are sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 24-30, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to Monday, where 9 o’clock has no end.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If no one wants to get close to you today, it’s probably because you bear an unsettling resemblance to an archery target.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Using two hands to lift a sword leaves your chest wide open. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every secret has its clues. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You generally expect too much for too little which usually makes people think your ass is cheap.

 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is going to tell you something “they” said.  Instead of focusing on what was said, you will spend more time stressing out over who the hell “they” are. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If the silent treatment is the last conversation you’ve had with your enemy, when conflict arises you’ve already begun dialogue.  

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Disappointment builds character.  So does a baseball bat, depending on which end of the bat you’re standing on.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Most people consider you to be kind and apologetic and knows that you make other people problems your own.  In translation you are a big sucker.  Man up, wuss! 

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are selfish and greedy and often times fall asleep while having sex.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your best friend is the perfect son of a bitch which probably makes you two a pair in a pod.  But who the hell cares what people think, except all those folks who think you are just like your best friend?_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A soft behind fears thin ice. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“A frown is just a smile standing on its head,” would make perfect sense if our feet and our heads were in reverse positions. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Skydiving is the last thing you should be doing when quoting the limerick, “if at first you don’t succeed…” 

Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle Sunday Worship Guide

Sunday, July 17, 2011

12:07 pm 

El gran libro de los tacos gratis por un dólar noventa y cinco

Page 129, 1st Verse:  Satan gave me a taco. 

   
Call to Worship, Invocation…………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
Processional……………………………………… Give It To Me Right Senior Choir & 6” High Heel Chorus
   
Selection………………………………………….. Give It To Me Right Senior Choir
   
Scripture Reading……………………………… Heratio Fellatio Jenkins, Jr.

Book of Dru Hill 1:16 ~ Somebody’s Sleeping in My Bed (KJV)

   
Prayer……………………………………………… Sister Nita Mindyo Bidness
   
Welcome………………………………………….. Elder Eunice “Granny Cakes” Wilya PooPoo
   
Church Announcements………………………. Gabby Gossip, Church Clerk
   
Selections………………………………………… 6” High Heel Chorus featuring The Heaven’s Gates Pitbull Band
   
Tithes and Offering…………………………….. Brother Day Day and the Get Back Crew
   
Offertory Prayer/Response………………….. Deacon Pimp Gigolo
   
Meditational Solo……………………………….. LaQuisha ShaQuan Odell Muhfukin Palmer

“There’s a Place in Hell Even for Me” 

 

Gospel Message……………………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump
   
2nd Offering for the Feed the First Family So They Never Have to Spend Their Own Money in the Grocery Store Fund……………………… Pastor’s Aide Ministry,   Brother Carl BeatUDown, President
   
Invitation to Discipleship…………………….. Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump and the Minister’s Mistresses of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle
   
Benediction……………………………………… Pastor Shugart Do Right Puss Bump

 *Chicken wings and french fries served in the lower auditorium for a small fee of a $6.95 free-will offering (plus tax). Jumbo iced-tea lemonade mix not included.* 

↓ 

**CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS** 

Special Notice: Free Will Offering

There will be a $5.00 minimum cover charge for all meals served under the Free Will Offering Meals on Wheels program to get new spinners for Mother May’s 10 speed bike and training wheels.  All meals will still be served at the corner of 5th and Stank, between the Laundromat and Sam’s Carwash. 

-Mother Beatrice My Man’s a Ho Mays, MMBT Meals on Wheels, Chairperson

_____________________________________________________________ 

 Mass Choir Rehearsal

Thursday, July 28, 2011

All choirs are asked to meet at Roscoe’s Poles and Holes next Thursday instead of the church sanctuary.  The church is being evaluated for new disco balls and therefore must be vacant during evaluation consultation.  Members are asked to brush their teeth before showing up for rehearsal because the facility is kind of small. 

-Briefcase Daddy O., Minister of Music

_____________________________________________________________

Ice Cream Social

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Youth Department, aka, Young Hoodlums in Training, will hold an ice cream social for all persons who are not as big as cows and do not have an intolerance for dairy products.  Be advised that those who violate the stipulations of the invite will burn in hell.

-MMBT Youth Department

_____________________________________________________________ 

Special Prayer Request

Please remember in prayer all persons who get caught stealing credit cards and use them to illegally sell gasoline to bystanders at the gas station in return for dollars to later hit up the liquor store for fabricated communion indulgence.  There has been a string of occurrences near the pump station over by Roscoe’s Poles and Holes.  

_____________________________________________________________ 

Bout Damn Time Health Ministry

The ministry of fat asses will meet next Tuesday at 7pm.  Please enter through the double doors at the side street entrance. 

_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________

 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 17-23, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Avoid making big commitments to little people who wear white socks and sandals and carry two last names. They aren’t to be trusted.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you will suffer the fate of itching in places you can not reach to scratch.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You can be as full of yourself as you want to be, but to everyone else you will still be full of %@#!

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you think someone is dumber than you thought, next time you should think they’re dumber than you think.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s just as bad to live beneath your privilege as it is to live beyond your means.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The second you hold all the cards your opponent will decide to play chess.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A strip club will either be the answer to all your problems or the beginning of them.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Don’t let silence be the last thing you say.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

The hard part about doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your powers of persuasion works on everyone except bill collectors and goldfish.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your best qualities are your ram-like eyebrows, smug expression and ability to do all the wrong stuff without discussing it openly.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Only the IRS has what it takes to take what you’ve got.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 10-16, 2011

What would you give if you could see the crap that happens before 3[:00]? Today’s solutions to tomorrow’s worries; a heating pad for tomorrow’s flurries. Eyes to look into the future to block bad luck’s hold. An ass to tell it to kiss with bravery so bold. 

Well this, my friend, is your lucky day cause I’m here to tell ya you can. With a little help from these HORRORscopes, tomorrow’s sh*t is now in your hands.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

May he who is without sin be a rolling stone.

   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Today is your lucky day. At this very moment congress is passing a bill that views chocolate chip brownies as breakfast food.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Drowning from trying to save your own reflection in deep waters proves to be really brave or really stupid.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Don’t be surprised by a surprise Friday pop quiz on Thursday.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Give a burglar your money so he doesn’t steal it.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone is going to leave your telephone number on the walls of a Burger King bathroom.

 _________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Something big is going to happen 1,000 bread slices from today.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There is nothing wrong with acting childlike but a whole lot wrong with acting childish.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your relationship is either a match made in heaven or a match made in Taiwan.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you dig a ditch, you might as well dig two, because the ditch you dig just might reserved for yourself.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s better not to do than say you will and don’t. There are names for people like that – Liar.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The scriptures you quote are just words if you don’t practice what you preach. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”    

The Self-Evaluation Quiz

SELF-EVALUATION QUIZ 

It’s never easy to accept that you have flaws, despite the flaws anyone may point out.  Luckily for you Hottywood Helps!  This little quiz will help you to realize that your ass is not as perfect as you think.  Be warned that the truth hurts. But in the end, hurt never felt so good; although in this case it might.  

When do you feel your best? 

  1. When you find yourself hooked up to an IV full of coffee. 
  2. When you’re too drunk to know where the hell you are.
  3. When you’re nipples are hardest.
  4. When you’ve waken up in a strange bed after a drunken romp with a horny one-eyed stud muffin from a Kansas trailer park. 
  5. When someone boosts your ego.
  6. Never.  You’re the complete opposite of “life of the party.”  

When talking to people do you

  1. Spit?    
  2. Stare at boobs?
  3. Avoid eye contact?
  4. Blink excessively?
  5. Let your underarms do all the talking?
  6. None of the above. You never speak to anyone because people say you sound as if you have a moutful of caramel.    

When you go to a party or social gathering, do you 

  1. Sneak in the back door wearing criss-cross jeans and Shaq-brand tennis shoes from Payless or someplace even more cheap? 
  2. Make a loud and obnoxious entrance so everyone will have a legitimate reason to avoid you all night?  
  3. Announce the pee stain on your pants because you couldn’t find the bathroom.  
  4. French kiss all of the other guests after eating a bag of Funyons? 
  5. Fart out of the wrong end when you laugh uncontrollably?
  6. None of the above. You never get invited to parties.  

When you go out to eat in a public restaurant, do you   

  1. Chew with your mouth open because it’s more convenient to stuff more food down your throat while you’re still chewing what’s already in there?
  2. Belch without saying excuse me (…although there’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re a midget.  Then it’s just gross.)? 
  3. Order the most expensive meal on the menu knowing that you’re broke as shit?
  4. Accidentally forget to wear pants on purpose?
  5. Steal the utensils from the next table while the occupants are using them?
  6. None of the above. You’ve been banned from public eating establishments for reasons only known by you and God and your imaginary friends.  

When you are bored, do you  

  1. Make prank phone calls to old people and Chinese pet detectives?             
  2. Clean the lint out of your belly button?             
  3. Speak backwards while groping your private parts or the private parts of the person to whom you are speaking?
  4. Try to whistle at a frequency only dogs can hear (mother-in-laws and supervisors not included)?  
  5. Make plans with more than one person knowing damn well you don’t have enough gas in your car to make it pass the hooker on the corner at the top of the hill? 
  6. None of the above. With the all the voices in your head, you never get bored. 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 3-9, 2011

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

50% of your bad attitude stems from finding inadequate parking at the grocery store. 47% is constipation and 3% is because your underwear are too tight.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are secretly being stalked by a clown college valedictorian who was released from prison two weeks ago. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Somewhere in the world, a Mexican Texas mocking bird loses its voice every eight bars of a fat lady’s song each time you tell a lie to someone you don’t know. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

People might think you’re weird if the seat of your pants crunches like a bag of Doritos every time you walk.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

No matter how many times you do laundry, deodorant will cling to the outer-stitch underarm pits of all your black t-shirts.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your pinky toenail will snag on every pair of socks you own – even the ones that have holes in them.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your feet will sweat as if you’ve stepped into a puddle of pothole water.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everything you say will sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

In every battle, there is a hero on both sides.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will have a major case of déjà vu. You will have a major case of déjà vu.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Any door a key won’t open, a crow bar and a wad of gum will.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your blessing is your curse. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “While some people will not admit their age, others won’t act it.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 26-July 2, 2011

At the very moment the sun closed its eyes to sleep the moon brought out the freakiest of freaks. Freaks disguised as people to whom money you owe and that whiny coworker whose ink pen you stole. They plotted all week to get you stuck in a love triangle with karma and luck. What happens next can only be told through the scribes of a scroll as it slowly unfolds.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19  

People will be able to look at your eyebrows and tell if your underwear are too tight.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It is your concern when your neighbor’s wall is on fire.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The universe will use you as a guinea pig to test the theory of finding luck in a pigeon crapping on your head.

 _________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Escape a sticky situation by answering a question with a question. You will sound more convincing if you speak in Pig Latin and a Jamaican accent.  

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You feel like your life is going nowhere right now, and you’re probably right. But the guy sitting next to you is going nowhere a hell of a lot faster, so you’re all good.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You only got dressed this morning because you had to. If anyone asks, the electric company turned your lights off and you dressed yourself in the dark. 

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A very nice gentlemen will show up at your door step with a sheriff and about twenty furniture movers. Things might get ugly. Bake cookies.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

The stars have foreseen and it would appear that in your next life you will be a Walmart cashier.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The only thing you can answer that never asks any questions is a telephone.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

If you want to sh!t at ease put your elbows on your knees.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

They say there’s only one month that has 28 days. Technically, that’s a lie.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “You can’t depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 12-18, 2011

Welcome to another edition of you know what.  Some things may look bad but there’s always a “but.”  A bright side at the end of a tunnel so dark.  The only way to see it through is to be ready from start.

When you’ve run up against odds you can’t face yourself, in a breath; in a psalm, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s bad luck to bathe in the sink of any Golden Corale bathroom.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Beware of anyone who goes to the salon to get their unibrow curled. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All of your white socks will look brown in the wrong light. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Everyone will know when you’re lying because your voice will be strangely out of sync with your lips.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The roots of your hair will itch like it’s being attacked with a bag of paperclips. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Your perceptions of man should not be based on your own faulty shortcomings.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what good is a right if it’s done for the wrong reason? 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Silent farts aren’t really silent.  They come out at a frequency only dogs can hear.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There’s no need to wonder if what you say is dumb.  Everything you say will sound as if you’re speaking with a mouthful of caramel.  Everything sounds dumb.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Every time you tap a key on a keyboard, a gypsy lightening bug is kidnapped and sold on the black market. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Only a wise man would put popcorn in his pancakes to make them flip by themselves. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Anyone who blows you a kiss really doesn’t want to touch your lips.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Be lazy in everything except for loving, drinking and being lazy.” 

40 Excuses To Get Out of Work

Everyone knows work is the playground for the game of life’s tricks. Written in just about every employee handbook across the nation is a clause that limits our toleration of deadlines, meeting changes and everyone’s last minute assignments but our own. Because of this taming of the shrew, we are paid not to get beside ourselves when burdens become too much to bear without the heavy use of profanity, a 2×4 plank and a shot of non-communion wine. No matter how large the paychecks or how great the incentives, it’s safe to say that there are some days where we just don’t feel like being bothered with the game, the playground or the players. So to beat game at its own game, you have got to be able to think quick on your feet and be a better bullshitter than it.  

The most common bullshit of them all is not minimizing your computer screen from the Solitaire game when your snoopy coworkers sneak into your cubicle. It is without question coming up with the best excuses to get out of work for the day.  

According to a popular employment recruiting site, about 41% of hiring managers are suspicious of their employee’s excuses for getting out of work. Outside of a little cold or minor car trouble, most excuses aren’t believable, they say. I say “horse pucky!” What do they know? If life throws its highest cards at you while you sit behind a desk working for a stiff in a name brand necktie, why the hell shouldn’t you get a little creative with your excuses not to deal? After all, it is a game and your boss and coworkers are all major players on the field. If you must play you might as well get a little gutter with it. They’re dicking you one way or another.  

Below are a few excuses that’ll help you cut your days at the office in half by 100%. Free free to use them at your leisure because although not being bothered is more than less than rare, having a good excuse not to fill a seat in the next departmental staff meeting trumps any card every time. Whether it’s believable or not is something the receiving ear has to take up with God.

 40 Excuses To Get Out of Work

  1. My bangs fell out and now I must to go buy some synthetic tresses or either a pack of extra thick eye brow hair to cover my big ass forehead.

  2. I’m renting a baby llama for my girlfriend’s niece’s best friend’s business partner’s cousin and I need to stay home to vacuum the poop from the front door foyer and tip the delivery man.

  3. I got my private parts stuck in the zipper of my pants and need immediate medical attention.

  4. At 3:00PM I’ve been scheduled to referee a pie fight between the Comcast and Verizon Fios cable men, since they both think their cable services are the best. The loser will come in next week to make up the hours that I’ve missed today.

  5. I ran over a squirrel while texting during an illegal street race with a blind man on a bike.

  6. The goldfish that I flushed this morning stopped up the toilet and now my cup runneth over.

  7. I have to go to the airport to pick up my French-Asian pen pal, Delicia Van Wu.

  8. My son beat up his teacher for taking his M&Ms during recess. The teacher threatened to have him expelled and now I have to go beat the teacher’s ass, myself.

  9. There is an embarrassingly foul odor coming from only one of my armpits and I am afraid to leave the house because the stench might kill the pigeons that built a nest over my garage door.

  10. I’m getting my butt hairs braided at the African hair gallery after lunch and will not be returning to the office. Ever.

  11. Today is the only day that I am available to read my daughter’s diary without her knowing.

  12. Today is National I Don’t Give a Fuck Day and I don’t give a fuck what you say, I will not be in the office at all.

  13. I have a mandatory meeting with all the voices in my head and two bill collectors.

  14. Someone told me that toenails can get long enough to scrape the ground. Now that my toenails have finally grown to an unbelievable length, I’d like to test the theory out for myself.

  15. My turrets syndrome of belching keeps flaring up.

  16. I’ve been meaning to return the library book that I borrowed back in the ninth grade. It’s slightly overdue by about eighteen years.

  17. I’m putting my great uncle in a rest home and I need to go visit his grave to see if he approves of the neighborhoods the homes are located in.

  18. My boyfriend just broke up with me and I have to go slash all the tires on his 10-speed bike. Training wheels included.

  19. My kotex string broke.

  20. I’m having man cramps.

  21. My neighbor’s daughter swallowed my cat’s hairball and now I must call a vet to get a referral to a doctor.

  22. I got laryngitis in my middle finger and will be unable to tell anyone to fuck off for three days.

  23. My car flipped over six times before hurling over the rail of the 5th Street Bridge. I’m calling from the bottom of the ocean. I probably won’t be in tomorrow either unless there is an express way from Heaven leading to the office.

  24. My grandmother ran out of glaucoma medicine and I have to stand on the corner and try to hustle a hustler into giving me a stash on credit. That could take all day.

  25. I have massive rug burns on my knees and am unable to walk. You’ll have to get your own damn cup of coffee today!

  26. I lost all my money playing bingo and now I don’t have any change to get on the bus.

  27. I’m stuck in the photo booth at Walmart.

  28. The dog ate my car keys. My wife at my car.

  29. A booty call stole my alarm clock while I was in the bathroom coming up with a good excuse not to come to work.

  30. I can’t find my shoes or my pet tarantula.

  31. There is a busload of Jehovah’s witnesses outside my door and I’m hiding under the couch until they go away. This may take a while.

  32. With all the boiled eggs I ate this morning I don’t want shit to hit the fan.

  33. My mother-in-law came to town for the weekend and got into a terrible accident. I have to take her to the hospital for emergency surgery to get the stick removed from her ass.

  34. My wife’s melons are sore from her recent breast implants and she needs me to stay home to massage them.

  35. I won’t be in the office today because I owe someone money and work is the first place they’ll look for me. Oops! You’re the one I owe money to.

  36. After reviewing my last paycheck, I suddenly became claustrophobic.

  37. Someone told me hard work doesn’t guarantee a successful win so I’m not going to waste my time today.

  38. I think my cocker-spaniel caught an STD from the neighborhood bitch and needs to be taken to the puppy clinic to get tested.

  39. I’m calling in blind cause I just don’t see it happening today.

  40. All my underwear have holes in them and I used the last bar of soap last night.

_____________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Conway’s Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on – This person must be fired.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 5-11, 2011

It wouldn’t be right if everything was right.  So if everything is right, something’s wrong.  Live in the now but be ready for next; for you have entered tomorrow just now.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you lie three times on Thursday, you will be dipped in hamburger meat, handcuffed to a postman and serve as a canine diversion on his mail run.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Even when game has pulled the wool over your eyes and everything is as dark as it seems, there is always a bright side. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Chewing potato chips while talking to someone on the phone causes cancer. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone is really into you and plays the game of cat and mouse very well.  Intriguingly enough for the chase but not so for the catch.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Man can not survive off the fat of the land alone. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t open every door that knocks because you never know who is standing on the other side.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Waiting for someone to throw the first punch may be morally correct but it’s realistically stupid…and potentially painful. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Free yourself from stress by being an asshole to someone else.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

There’s more to life than having everything.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You can never get enough of what you don’t need to make you happy. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.  That’ll teach you to keep your mouth shut. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can resist everything but temptations.   

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Always give 100% at work:

  • Monday – 13%
  • Tuesday – 22%
  • Wednesday – 26%
  • Thursday – 35%
  • Friday – 4%” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 29-June 4, 2011

Who knows what the week has in store for you. Maybe a big fat pay day or a big ass boo-boo. One thing is for sure that I know without a doubt. Half the thrill of the battle is waiting to see how things turn out.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Give yourself the option of not making losing an option.   _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The soul of a boy trapped in the body of a man is a double bladed sword. 

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Falling on your ass makes you appreciate standing on your feet. 

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

By a gerbil.  Name it Bitch.  That way you’ll have a legitimate reason for telling people you have to go home to feed your bitch.   

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Winning is everything when you have everything to lose. _________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It’s not good if you have enough hair on your knees to grate cheese.   

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Only a true friend would advise a pal against getting corn-rows when he has a bald spot in the crown of his head. 

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Consider it bad luck to mistake a pooper scooper for your hair brush.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Answer all phone calls using sign language.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

All the things you are unclear about will be just as confusing at the end of the day. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Do not plan on getting hit by a moving bus without giving your job two weeks notice, first. 

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Your chance of dying on your way to get a lottery ticket is greater than your chances of winning.   

_________________________________________________________