Payback is a Bitch!

Kats and kittens, it’s time for us to sit our fat asses down for a minute to mean-mug those folks who take advantage of other people.  We don’t even really need to discuss a particular band of abusers but we’ll name them so they will know we’re on to them and are against their bullsh*t.  

The Offenders:  

Non-debt paying money borrowers; the folks who only call when they need/want something; the people who stand you up for dates and then make it seem like you were at fault; the folks who monopolize a conversation; the folks who monopolizes a conversation with talk of only themselves; supervisors and coworkers that can’t do their own work; Chinese carry outs that constantly change their menu prices based on the class of their customers; delivery guys that automatically take their tips and delivery fees out of the customer’s total charge and still expect an extra tip after they’ve made you walk to their car to pick up your food; meter maids that dish out tickets in an effort to fill some stupid quota; parents that don’t pay babysitters and day care centers; banks that charge $2.50-$3.95 surcharges for ATM usage; the IRS; the federal government; preachers that use the Lord’s name to cover up their sins; hustlers that charge $20 for a $10 bag; oil and gas companies; booty callers that think you’re good enough for a f*ck but not good enough for a relationship; nightclubs that allow ladies to get in free before midnight but charge fellas full price coverage all damn night; Facebookers and Tweeters who use the social networks to direct message some form of perversion; all Popeyes food chains that overcharge for their delicious, greasy chicken; family members that believe you owe them because of your blood relation; neighbors that borrow your electrical socket(s) when they don’t pay their electric bill; pimps; cab drivers; the DC metro rail system; the cost of city tourism; the $.99 store that charges a 6% tax charge, blatantly discrediting the store’s self entitled name; backstabbing BFFs; anyone that never has any money but always wants to go out to eat; friends that always need a ride somewhere but never offer any gas money; and Lindsay Lohan.  

These repeat offenders are able to get away with their shenanigans because we let them.  I am to here to take a stand and speak for those persons who are constantly taken advantage of by those people that think we’re too dumb to know what the hell they are doing.  

You offenders must stop this foolishness!  The world is too small and life is too short to be bombarded with the outrage of your sick, selfish and imprudent ways.  You have managed to take somebody’s kindness for weakness and therefore reserved your front row seat to a back alley beat down and have been placed on a waiting list for a quick journey straight to hell, and all those people who would not allow themselves to tell you “hell no” will do nothing less than take pride in watching karma bite you in the ass.  You may think you’re getting away with some slick sh*t, but let Hottywood be the one to tell you that every shut eye isn’t sleep.  Change your ways or change your zip code because today the change has come.  

#ThatIsAll

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Quote of the week:   “Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”    

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 11-17, 2011

Monday is here.  Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you?  You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream.  Lucky for you humor is what I do best.  When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition.  It’s a gas bubble. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.

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Quote of the week:  “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.” 

Conversation Hogs Really Stink

Boys and girls of the class, raise your hand if you find it not quite so funny when a friend, associate or even someone you couldn’t care any less about seems to work their personal problems into a conversation with you, in hopes that you’d ask them what’s wrong.  

This act is done by a lot of people and overlooked by many.  It goes unnoticed because it’s one of those things no one actually stops to pay attention to, needless to say except the person who keeps working their issues into the convo.  The subtle remarks are carefully inserted into related [and sometimes unrelated] subject matters and seemingly come out of nowhere, yet make the biggest silent impact on the person who’s forced to hear it and care even less than they did when the situation remained cohort.    

This may come as a shock to some, but the truth of the matter is more people than you’d think could give a sh*t about your problems because everyone on the planet has problems of their own, so if no one asks you what’s wrong after the fiftieth time you’ve griped about your uninteresting predicament, it’s pretty much common knowledge that no one really cares.  Stop imposing and stop whining.  Just stop because the person you’re buzzing up has long since stopped listening.  The only person who can get away with speaking without actually saying anything is the teacher on “Charlie Brown,” and after a while even a viewer changes the channel.  

If you want someone to know what the hell’s going on with you, tell them.  Don’t beat around the bush.  Don’t drop not-so-subtle hints.  Don’t be slick with it.  Most people aren’t going to jump into your business willingly and consciously because they don’t want to be blamed for any dumb decisions you make. Most people aren’t going to comment on your issues because you’ve probably spit out the answers to your own questions anyway.  Most people are probably going to look straight through you in an effort to see the nearest “Exit” sign hanging somewhere behind you.  However if you’re not careful, one day you’re going to come up against someone that isn’t like most people.  And that person will willingly listen to you gloat about the stupidity and/or humdrum that is your life and will turn around and do one or all of the following:  (1) Tell you the truth – something you probably don’t want to hear; (2) Tell you, “so what?” – something else that you probably don’t want to hear; or (3) Tell any and everyone all about your business – and in case you didn’t know, your dirt sounds way more interesting coming from someone who isn’t you. The problem is words get twisted when they are spoken from someone else’s lips.  But because you insist on monopolizing an unwarranted conversation with someone who blatantly doesn’t give a rat’s ass, that’s just the price you have to pay.  Whether you learn a lesson or not isn’t anyone else’s problem but your own.  On the other hand as we stay true to the subject of this post, that last statement goes in one ear and right out of the other.  

If I were to tell you that 90% of any effort is getting started, I’d most likely be referring to you learning when to shut up. 

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Quote of the week:  “Some people talk a whole lot about nothing because it’s the only thing they know anything about.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 4-10, 2011

Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.

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Quote of the week:   “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 28-September 3, 2011

Irene has caused quite a bit of trouble which warrants some humor and on the double. Lucky for you, it’s what I do best or my name isn’t Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Minding someone else’s business only brings attention to your own.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The electric company will decide when it’s time for you to sit in a dark room and think about the bullsh!t you’ve gotten yourself into.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Today you need to step aside and let someone else do what you do better.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only thing worse than being lied to is getting your private parts stuck in the zipper of your pants.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to a burning question that’s been on your mind all week long can be found at the bottom of a bag of corn chips.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not forgetting is what makes forgiving harder than it sounds.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re feeling a bit blue, it’s probably because you’ve been spending too much time being green over something someone else has.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone thinks you’re angry today because of the way your eyebrows are connecting in the middle.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those bells you hear ringing in your head isn’t a bright idea. They’re police sirens.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone who knows the least about you will have the most to say.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In a moment you will see what a snob a clod can be.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is nothing amusing about the closing of an amusement park.

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Quote of the week:  “Don’t abuse the privilege of your entitlement of being stupid every now and then.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 21-27, 2011

You found your week wasn’t so bad given the circumstances you had.  Now that you know you can handle the deal, let’s see what’s next as we spin the wheel.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you experience a lot of resistance today, it’s probably because you’re about as subtle as a pair of handcuffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Nothing but good things can happen from sitting in mud and wearing raw vegetables over your eyes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today everyone will do everything you say and will cater to your every whim. And then all of a sudden you will wake up.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You own the last curse-out on the planet and are given three choices of whom to give it to: (1) your supervisor; (2) a relative; (3) or an airplane pilot?

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Stealing someone else’s newspaper is the first step to sharing a cell with a bunk-mate named Smitty.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Nothing will piss you off more than realizing that you shouldn’t have been pissed by whatever it was that pissed you off, because the only person that pisses on is the person who got pissed by something that was hardly piss-worthy.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is your day to blackmail someone into giving you something you want, but act wisely. Tomorrow, Karma is planning a slumber party and you are on the guest list.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Happy Weight Gain Appreciation Day! Go out to every fast-food restaurant you see and super size everything on the $1 menu.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Running in the same circles doesn’t get you any where but caught up.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“Your all is your best,” is the answer. “By whose standards?” is the question.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today you will be a magnet to crazy people with middle names taken from Himalayan jungle tales.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a choice to make that will effect a lot of people that are depending on you. The wisest words you can hear right now is, “Don’t !%@# it up.”

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t be late until you show up.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 14-20, 2011

You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it.  Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 

After you’ve run and hidden from all the stress it’ll comfort you to know that Hottywood still helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wanting something really badly and being ready for that which you want are two different things.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A small mind gets trapped in a small world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will spend a short period of time living in the past and may quickly realize that you should have left it right where it was.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are quick on your feet when it comes to lying, avoiding people to whom you owe money and peeing behind trees in residential neighborhoods. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not much of a difference between always being angry and always looking for something to make you happy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Raise a glass and repeat the following: “Here’s to those that wish me well & those that don’t can go to hell!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The ring around your collar is closely identical to the ring around your tub.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Contrary to popular belief, spitting 16 bars of “Roses are red; Violets are blue,” does not make you a groundbreaking rapper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Gym socks are the only thing that stinks worse than fear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are only two things that have arguable rights to tell you if you are the fairest of them all: a fast talking mirror and a wise cracking homosexual.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every time you pass gas without saying “excuse me,” you will gain the weight equivalent to eating an entire loaf of bread.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to lube up your ankles if your ash is easily mistaken for chicken flour.

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Quote of the week:  “Somewhere in the vicinity there is a porcelain throne faintly calling your name.”