Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

_______________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

A Momentary Rant of a Man Undone

Let’s be honest; even a man who always seems to have it all together cracks under pressure every now and then.  And as perfect as I am (at least as far as perfection goes in my own warped out mind), I am no exception to the rule.  

Having said that, I think I will take a short moment to ask one burning question that many people ask in their every day lives:  

 “What the #&$%@!?”  

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  • “What the #&$%@!”  did I do to deserve getting hit in the forehead with one of Karma’s mini bowling balls? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  happened to the Plan B that I usually keep in my back pocket? 
  • “What the #&$%@!”  am I going to do to get myself out of this deep a$$ pothole that I managed to fall into?   

Well, I asked the one burning question like I said.  I just happened to ask it in three different variations.  Why?  Because I can.  “What the #&$%@!” are you going to do about it?     

Listen, everyone is only human.  Well, maybe not the chick that lives on the corner of my street.  I don’t know what she is, but I know it’s not human.  Have you seen her???  Oh wait, that’s a story for another time.  

My point is no one is immune to the pitfalls of life.  In fact, if we didn’t have sh*t to deal with, how would we know what we could handle?  It’s like going out on a bad date.  In your heart you know the date is going to be a bust, but you still have to endure the bad company, bad conversation, bad food and bad hygiene in order to know what you don’t like and what you hope to expect out of the next date who is anyone but the person you lowered your standards for in the first damn place.  

Oh, but if only things were as simple as a bad date.  You can stand up a bad date.  You can walk out on a bad date.  You can even throw your drink in a bad date’s face.  But life, my friends, is something a little more funky than a simple bad date.  In fact, sometimes life can be a big pile of sh*t.  However as stinky as that sh*t may be, life is also a wheel.  What’s down today is up tomorrow.  The hard part is getting through the day.  Lucky for us all 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   He that is afraid of bad luck will never know good.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of June 20-26, 2010

It’s been a while since our last fortune telling and I can smell that luck runs in the stinkiest of sewers.  Luckily, the predictions of Hottywood will enable you to safeguard yourself with metal armor and coat hangers. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Man who is too afraid to face light of day should not hang in dark alleys at night. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone who insists on driving like a bat out of hell is sure to get there quickly.  To hell, that is. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of crabs when fishing in another man’s well. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Farting in church is sure to have you sitting on your own pew. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You can’t leap off a cliff without jumping to a conclusion, but if you’re thinking of jumping off a cliff, that’s a problem in itself. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Girls who do back springs on bedsprings will have an offspring next spring.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Crowded elevators smell differently to midgets. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

A clear conscience never fears midnight knocking.  Keeping that in mind, “The freaks come out at night.” 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Everything has beauty but not everyone is beautiful. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A lazy shepherd is a wolf’s friend.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

When a tree falls, the monkeys scatter. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Money talks.  Bullsh*t walks. 

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Quote of the Week:      “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 6-12, 2010

There are many unanswered questions in this jacked up universe of ours.  Now is the time to thank your lucky stars that there’s one psychic left who cares enough to teach you how to pay the universe back for all the mean tricks its played on you in the forms of lying, pimples and broken promises of people who didn’t deserve you in the first place.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A man who eats with one chopstick is sure to go hungry. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You know how there’s always that one person in a bunch you can’t stand to be around? This week YOU are that person.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

It’s better to be pissed off than pissed on. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

A bb gun, a nail clipper and a pair of holy socks will really come in handy when you’ve run out of deodorant.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The greatest gift you can give yourself this week is not to listen to your own dumb advice.  Listen to someone else so you can blame them when things go wrong. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Sugar and spice and everything nice is what every man picks up with his 5-finger discount when his lady friend PMSes for the 100th time in a damn month.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Everything you eat will taste like it has freezer burn. Even them nasty ass hoes you can’t bring home to mama.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When it comes to your friends and enemies, it’s best to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don’t.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

The crap of a pigeon brings good luck, minus dozens of people pointing and laughing.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Maybe you’re just soooo attractive that you intimidate people from wanting to get into a relationship with you. Yeah, go with that.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

A man who scratches his ass should not bite his fingernails. 

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Quote of the Week:     “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 16-22, 2010

When the worst seems to get you down and you’ve run out of booby traps in your stained bag of tricks, there’s only one person who can help steer you in the direction away from karma, stink bombs and a winch named “Lady Luck.”  That person is Hottywood

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Your saliva will taste like mop water. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Change your washcloth for a new outlook on life. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Beware of sky rats.  They are plotting to take over the world.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Two words are guaranteed to get you through the day – “F*ck it.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The texture of your toilet paper will determine the execution of your day. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Ketchup and white socks hold the answers to all of your questions today.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Chest hair is not meant for braiding.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

It’s not what you do but who you are that matters.  Unless of course, you do the wrong thing at the wrong time in front of the wrong people. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Whoever told you, “winning isn’t everything,” merely found a nice way to tell you it’s best to win at losing than it is to lose at winning. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Do some cleaning today.  Start with your nose and your butt.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your love life is booming as you are likely to attract anyone with no job and a criminal record. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone is going to ask your opinion on a matter you care nothing about.  Put your hand over your heart and do what you do best.  Lie. 

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Quote of the Week:     “We must believe in luck.  How else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?”

You Are Your Own Funniest Joke

How many times do you wake up in the morning and roll out of bed, only to be awakened by the sound of your heavy ass body hitting the floor?  What about tripping up the escalator stairs as you come out of the subway station, running late for work, of course?  Dare you recount the number of times you couldn’t hold in that last bit of gas after wolfing down any value meal from the McDonald’s menu?  Though the average person may point their fingers and laugh at your clumsy or greedy ass, it saves you a red face if you can just learn to laugh at yourself.  Sure, sometimes you’d much rather stick your head in a deep hole like an ostrich in order to avoid certain types of embarrassment, but if you can’t find humor in your own mistakes then you damn sure have no right to point out the mistakes of others.  And everyone agrees that it’s fun to point out the mistakes of others.  Even if you don’t concur verbally, your inner “real person” would agree, as he/she reminds you of that one time where you were rightfully so the butt of the joke. 

Being clumsy may be something to laugh at, but it’s also something to smile about.  There are way too many people who take themselves [and life] too seriously.  Every now and then you should be reminded that your ass is stupid, lazy, clutzy, greedy or gassy.  It’s what makes you normal – whatever your definition of normal is.  If by normal, you think “farting in church during a silent prayer,” then go for it!  Sometimes no one around you will find your faults funny, but that’s all the more reason to laugh – in that case, at everyone else for not seeing the sense of humor in life…and the noise your butt makes when you accidentally poot in public.  Just hope Jesus finds it equally as funny come judgment day. 

Life is filled with “oops” moments.  For instance, forgetting to put on underwear and having a gust of wind expose your ass crack for all to see.  Most people would call you a skank, skeez, or whore.  However, there are some people who would commend you for being so openly slutty and would probably wink, smile or secretly toss their phone numbers at you on a wrinkled up napkin.  Another example is if you accidentally get a hard on at the beach when seeing some fine piece of hump-lay run past you, jiggling in all the right places.  Once again, there’s a perfect opportunity for someone to laugh at you for being so damn horny.  If you’re really confident in yourself, the joke will be on them when you stand at full attention and leave the beach hand in hand with someone who got all moist inside for checking you out from afar!  Whether you’re a clutz or a freak, just remember the wise words of the great Michael Jackson, “You Are Not Alone.”    

Whatever the reason anyone may have for acknowledging just how much of an idiot you are, laughing at yourself will ease the humiliation of being the talked-about loser that no one wants to be around.  Laugh and the world laughs with you. Weep and it keeps on laughing.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started.  The bottom line is, if everyone around is going to be laughing at you, you might as well be in on the joke.

 __________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Be thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of your nose.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 28-April 3, 2010

Tomorrow is the last day of the first part of the new beginning of your old life.  So what does that mean for the rest of the week?  Let’s take a look into the crystal ball, shall we? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Screaming like a little bitch is the best way to get your point across that you’re a complete punk.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Whatever you’re thinking of saying out loud, don’t.  It only sounds smart in your head.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

The closest you’re going to get to a relationship is with a bottle of lotion and your left hand.  And you still may get dumped.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Keeping other people’s dirty little secrets will come in handy when the rent is due. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You have an uncanny ability to get people to do whatever you want just as long as you begin every command with, “Simon Says.” 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an unwanted leech who seemingly clings to people who are rich, married, or breathing.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

None of your relationships work out because you remember every detail of your mate’s past sins, but never your own. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Don’t be foolish enough to tell someone they’ll never find another quite like you.  They may just thank you for that word of encouragement. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You’re your own best listener because you’re the only person who’s willing to listen to your stupid ass.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You always get what you want because you are a master of the five finger discount. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Go out on a date with someone special.  Ah hell, with your social life, go out on a date with anyone who’s not too embarrassed to be seen with you in public. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone very close to you is going to stab you in the back for being such a two-faced douche bag.  Don’t travel in dark alleys with people you call “friends.”

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     “Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 14-20, 2010

When you’re in doubt about what tomorrow holds for you, there’s only one person to turn to – HOTTYWOOD!  He can tell you if you need to avoid potholes, rugrats and three-way phone calls. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All bullsh*t smells the same, no matter what asshole produces it.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Intimate moments will be awkward because everyone you touch will feel like raw ground beef.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Losing is the new winning.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

No one’s accepting your dinner invitations because nobody likes eating off plates guarded by roaches.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

No one cares about you except the person watching you from the other side of the mirror and even they’re on the fence about you.  ___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Despite what your mother may have told you, being kind to people only gets you but so far unless you’re just plain ugly.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The good news is you’re not as stupid as you look…

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Having your picture compared to a wildlife wonder on National Geographic is not a compliment unless a lot of alcohol is involved. Then it’s just freaky. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

If the only thing you sweat is white liquor, there’s no wonder everyone keeps staring at you.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your next date night will be a disaster because the stench of your body will wilt the salad.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Showing you chest hair is not going to get you a promotion, especially if you’re a hairy ass woman.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

One of your personality’s armpits will smell like goat cheese and Funyons and will probably cock block your next booty call.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 17-23, 2010

If you would’ve come to Hottywood first for the answers, you could’ve avoided that boisterous ass eruption during dinner with your honey’s folks.  Never fear.  I can see in my crystal ball that your week will be a little better than last week’s fiasco.  But I wouldn’t do any cartwheels if I were you.  It won’t be better by much. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to get rid of the ring around your bath tub.  This is a good week for shopping as all of your clothes probably have the residue of yesterday’s scent. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You will have tourette syndrome of dandruff scratching.  This is the perfect time to pamper yourself because no one else will want to be near you. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Listen to your nipples’ warning.  They will itch intensely each time someone lies to you. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your personality is more fake than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. People will like you for who you are once you stop pretending to be someone you’re not. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You will miss all of your most important phone calls because you won’t be able to get your sh*tty ass off the porcelain pot. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The most thought-provoking piece of literature you’ll read this week will be The National Inquirer…and even still, that’ll only be for the pictures.  Dumbass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This is an off week.  Stay away from hookers and 5 o’clock shadows. …and if you happen to be a hooker with a 5 o’clock shadow, you’re in a world of trouble.  Especially if you’re a woman with a beard thicker than your pimp’s. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sit your ass down and stop stealing the spotlight.  You’re doing way too much and no one cares.  Go hibernate in a cave like a bear.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your fried chicken will taste like captain crunch cereal and spoiled milk.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Being two-faced won’t keep your ass from getting kicked.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Do the world a favor and shut the hell up. There are more people not interested in what you have to say than you think.

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone’s watching you, but don’t get too excited.  They only notice you when you make an ass of yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.” 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 3-9, 2010

Life would go so much smoother if you could foresee the distribution of ass gas at the very moment you are exchanging phone numbers with a potential new lover.  Well never fear, Hottywood is here to help with the predictions of the future. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

A big secret you couldn’t keep to yourself will come back to bite you in the ass.  Watch out for a bitch named Karma.  She has a mean left hook.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You’re going to be a know-it-all this week and wrong about everything.  Wear bright colors.  They look better with the color of “ass.” 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your weave is going to get caught in your jacket zipper – which is really questionable if you’re a man. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Dress in layers.  The sweat from your armpits is going to bleed through your heaviest shirts, leaving the most unattractive stains.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You win some.  You lose some.  And some you just give up on. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your elbows are going to be your selling point to the next person who shows interest in you.  Way to go!  You sure know how to pick ‘em. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Two things are demanding your attention.  You’re going to have to choose: The chicken or the egg. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You won’t be able to get the scent of raw onions from under your nose.  Put all of your energy into personal hygiene. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Purchase a roll of Bounty [the quicker picker upper].  You’re going to need it for the ass stains you leave behind whenever you get up from a chair. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

It’s about time someone told you to the shut the hell up.  No one wants your advice or your opinion.  Kickbox a whole in a wall and change everyone’s views on you for a whole new reason.  Try new things. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

“Boring” is soooo last year.  Shave only one armpit and wear nothing but tank tops all week.  You will be commended on your  free spirit and psychotically challenged awareness, you freak. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Be careful of the rings of gossip you fall into.  It’s never the one who starts the rumor that gets caught.  Watch your back. 

___________________________________________________________

 

Quote of the Week:   “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”