A Valentines Day Pick-Me-Up for the Single and Lonely

Valentines Day is a 50/50 split when it comes to love, romance and the acts of.  We all know what the 50% of lovers will be doing:  Fine dining at the local McDonalds; wolfing down boxes of $1 store chocolates; and admiring the beauty of last year’s plastic single CVS rose.

But what will the other 50% of Valentine rejects be doing?  They’ll most likely be searching for last minute hookups, bootycalls, dates; buying the biggest bag of popcorn they can find to go along with all of the break-up, thriller and horror movies they can get their lonely little hands on; and trying to avoid phone calls from all of their happily UNsingle friends who are dying to boast about the romantic evening they have planned with their significant others.

Why the hell didn’t anyone ever create a ‘Scrooge’ character for Valentines Day?  I guess that’s just another one of life’s mysteries that makes one go, “Hmm.”

Alas, to everyone who is lonely this year, don’t worry about it.  In fact, consider yourselves lucky.  All of those rent-a-romances who are going out of their way to make this one day magical will tirelessly spend the next 320 days trying to compete with the sparks of tonight, not realizing that those failed attempts will be even more of a let down after the single rose has dissipated, the chocolates have gone to their waistlines and their significant others have started to hit the gym for the seasonal breakups, separations and wandering eyes that the summer months bring.

How’s that for a Happy Valentines Day? …Suckers!

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 12-18, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Everyone you run into on Valentine’s Day will be good at two things: Boasting about their sex and making promises they can’t keep. It will not be a good day for hookers.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s never a good thing when a family of flies bathes in the sweat of your shirt’s armpit.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t invite anyone that sleeps around on the first date into your kitchen because you don’t know where their hands have been.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The key to failure is trying to please everybody, especially when you know there’s not a damn thing you can do.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re going to manage to piss off a beneficiary this week. If I were you I’d ride a skateboard to work instead of driving.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The only way a bag of potato chips could be more inviting is if they came with cleavage.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A relationship that sits high on a wobbly pedestal is not as stable as it seems.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’re wondering what to give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, hepatitis is not it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Passing Gas: It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

When you think about it, a baby hurling sharp arrows at you with a crossbow is more scary than romantic.  Happy(?) Valentine’s Day…

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This Valentine’s Day, open the washing machine door for your spouse before they wash all of your dirty ass underwear.  Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

An old flame will reveal that they smoked cigarettes for 7 years before quitting by the age of 12.

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Quote of the week:    “Home is where the heart is…unless of course you’re the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.”