There’s Only One Way to Complete a Near-Perfect Valentine’s Day

. . . with dead swine and roses!

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Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

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What Valentine’s Day is All About

Today is Valentine’s Day – the day for spouses and fornicating significant others and side pieces and online sex hook uppers. Today is the day when 90% of the planet’s population get cavities or lose their teeth altogether; when cupids all over the world are gunned down by water guns filled with bleach or B.B. guns loaded with anthrax coated pellets; when dogs in residential neighborhoods hop the fences of their backyards to hump any bitch with four legs; when single people hide under rocks or disconnect their cell phones or purposely not log onto FaceBook.

To some people today is the day of love, romance, sugar, spice and everything replicated on the all-Triple X channel (which of course means humping until you drop). To others it’s the day they are reminded their sex appeal lacks what it needs to get them laid.

Whatever today is for you, make the most of it. Celebrate your love – even the ones you rent by the hour. Feel yourself up if you don’t have anyone to share this day with, and eat a lot of chocolate.

Because everybody knows Valentine’s Day means nothing at all without chocolate.



TUAC Cover

Click HERE to get your copy of HottywoodHelps.com’s debut novel,

“Tracks of an Underground Advice Columnist”

Remember Your First Heart-Felt “F*ck You!”?

Not all memories of your past are good ones.  Sure, there are some.  The first time you got laid, the first time you ate popcorn and potato chips at the same time, even your first solo in the shower.  But it’s those bad memories that stick out like sore thumbs.  For example – the first time you got laid, the first person to ever break your heart or your first solo OUT of the shower.  Though many people sit and reminisce on the days of yesteryear, you, along with about a kabillion other people sit and reminisce on that one person who led you on, only to step on your heart like a roach invading a home in the projects. 

Granted, you may find yourself asking yourself the question, “What the hell was I thinking?” at times, but those memories aren’t all a bag of crap – at least they shouldn’t be.  You’d be insensitive or inhuman if they were.  Maybe even a moron for dealing with such harshness of a shattered love, at least in the concept of what you thought love should be.  In some ways, you kind of owe your “first” a word of thanks.  Not in the sense of thanking them with a bouquet of roses, unless those roses are dead and wilted.  But thanking them for allowing you the opportunity to learn that you are so much better a person without them.  After all, how would you know how to deal with a broken heart if it wasn’t for that person, who lied to you, cheated on you and made you more of a less-wanted option as opposed to a can’t-do-without necessity?  Just think, there’s so many other reasons you can give thanks to that individual who never really gave a sh*t about you in private, only in public when it really mattered, when their set of friends looked on to your scripted relationship with envy.  You should stand proudly and hold your head up high as you thank the motherf*cker for:  

  • ruining someone else’s false hopes of living and loving happily ever after,
  • assisting you in losing weight after all those lonely nights of warm tears and loss of appetite, 
  • for no longer making you feel like an unwanted fool for forgetting special days like your birthday, Christmas and Valentine’s Day,
  • for no longer using you as a guinea pig for a love affair they prayed to have sans YOU,
  • for blaming you for a mistake they made, and
  • last but not least, for teaching you how to say and mean the most profound words of our country’s history, “F*ck you!”

You’d be just as much of a liar as they were if you admitted out loud that you no longer harbored any positive or negative thoughts to the tainted past. No one ever moves on completely…not when their “first” is concerned.  It’s just easier to hold on to all the profane thoughts of a “plastic” relationship than it is to admit you were a fool for love at all.  The truth is you’re going to be a fool for love many times over, even if you’re lucky enough to find your soul mate. 

Finding that one true love isn’t a matter of effort, it’s a matter of two things: (1) time and (2) patience.  Two things most people believe they don’t have a lot of.    

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Quote of the week:    “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Feb. 14-20, 2010

Some people believe that bad luck doesn’t exist.  Whether you’re one of those people or not, the thought has crossed your mind.  You’re only human.  Live a little.  Why not take a shot in the dark and try to avoid those little unseen land mines? 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

If both of your personalities are getting on your nerves, that should tell you something. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Manipulation is your best weapon.  Remember that when rent is due.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Think of 5 things that you would change about yourself.  Now think about all the people who would agree.  o_O

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You don’t want anyone who doesn’t want you. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your neighbors’ constant loud partying at night is only bothering you because it’s not your neighbors at all — it’s the voices in your head. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

What you’ve been told all your life is a lie.  Breakfast is not the most important meal of the day.  Booze is.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You know all that snickering you thought was going on behind your back?  It wasn’t your imagination.  Sticks and stones my ass.  Payback, bitch!

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you didn’t have a Valentine’s Day date, wait until you see how Christmas turns out.  If you did have a date, that was your Christmas. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Just because you think you sound good singing in the shower doesn’t mean you sound good to anyone else.  Don’t quit your day job. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

If your breath smells like you’ve been eating onion pizzas, something’s wrong. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Being called “Smutface” is not a compliment.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Relax.  Nothing bad is going to happen to you today.  Tomorrow, on the other hand, is up in the air. 

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 Quote of the Week:   “Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”