Oh Ye of Little Faith

In life, it’s not always easy to deal with disappointments, especially when the only person who seems to care about your feelings is you.    

Your support system only supports you when the money and light is green.  Your family only supports you when your endeavors look good to non-family members.  Your friends only support you when your success income is large enough to cover all of the dinner parties.  

In the end, through all of your hardships, failures, road blocks and let downs, all you have is you and that pillow that you beat the sh*t out of before laying your head to rest for the night.  And even that gets a little lumpy.  

But all is not lost!  For it is written in the greatest book of all time: 

  • Luke 17:6   He replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it will obey you. 
  • Matthew 8:26   He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. 
  • New International Version   He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” 

Your flies may be greater in number than your chambers of honey, but as long as your spears are sharp, your poison is deadly and you have enough common sense to know that all things happen for a reason, nothing is in impossible.  

Today may feel like your defeat but tomorrow shall be your victory and you will have your moment to plug your fingers into your ears, stick out your tongue and quote these words (my favorite words on the planet) verbatim to all of your haters and nay-sayers, “Na na na boo boo muthaf*ckas!”    

People will laugh at you and they will take pride when you fall, but those are the very same people who don’t have sh*t going on for themselves; the very same people whose names are never uttered from anyone else’s lips; whose hopes and dreams failed in their final year of high school; whose relationships were built on lies; and whose one-night stands only happened because their one-time lover was too blinded by an excessive amount of alcohol.  

Who was the old miserable bastard that once said, “Misery loves company?”  That man was an underachieving loser who preyed on people who crumbled under the weight of defeat and disappointment.  As unsuccessful as he may have been, he was smart enough to know that he will never be alone thanks to people who are too deep rooted in their own self-pity and worthlessness. 

Oh ye of little faith.  In the words of the great and wise little orphan Annie, who never changed her dress and whose hair matched her shaggy ass dog’s fur, “The sun will come out tomorrow…” 

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Quote of the week:   “The road to success is always under construction.”

A Case of the “I Told You So’s”

There is great pride in finishing something you’ve started – even if that something is as simple as releasing a stinky fart without anyone noticing the foul gas came from your ass.  

Completing a project, task, goal or dream is your way of telling the world “I told you so,” when everyone seemed to have doubted you.  Holding true to what you know you can do and what you can pay someone else to do for you while you hog all the credit is the leverage you have over people whose greatest achievement is to hate on someone whose life is more worthy than blowing a ring of smoke.    

To the washed up high school jock who should’ve been in the NFL by now; to the former cheerleader who boosts stolen knock-off designer handbags in the hair salon; and finally to the minister who’s too hung over to make it to church on time to preach to all of his fellow heathens – finishing what you start doesn’t mean polishing off the last of the bottle you bought from the local corner store; it doesn’t mean digging up dirt to slander all those who are doing better than you; and it doesn’t mean pretending that someone else’s success doesn’t exist.  What it means is finding the determination to be a better you and patiently waiting for your opportunity to say to someone:  

***

All the people who walk the Earth’s grounds boasting about how they hate the “I told you so’s” are a gotdamn lie, because everyone knows there is no greater feeling than proving someone wrong!

***

Be proud of your accomplishments – big or small – because it’s those achievements that will motivate you to continue on to greatness.  You may not be the best at everything but everyone is good at something. 

“90% of any effort is getting started.”

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Quote of the week:  “Achieving life is not the equivalent of avoiding death.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 24-30, 2010

With fingers crossed you’ve come to seek all the sh*t that’s in store for this week.  Flat tires and liars and people you owe and times you’ll say “yes” when you’ll really mean “no.”  So before you slap those who aren’t you, ask yourself “what would Hottywood do?” 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Give your nipples pet names and refer to them frequently.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

For a smooth sailing day, moon-walk like Michael Jackson every time you exit the bathroom.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Contrary to popular belief, using your thick toenail as a letter opener is not a skill.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You can’t be mad at someone else for telling your secrets if you aren’t smart enough to keep them to yourself. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two people near you will grab your butt cheeks at the same time.  They will both be hermaphrodite midgets. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A zit will show up unexpectedly between your big and middle toes and will rip a hole in your socks the size of an obese moth ball. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

That compliment that no one is going to give you will drive you to drink.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Proactively addressing a touchy issue may result in a black eye.  Expect a lot of attention from people who point fingers and care nothing about your feelings.  …Family included.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

For a day much better than yesterday, pretend you are a crackhead cartoon character on steroids. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Make a list of everyone you hate and anonymously send their mailing addresses to random prison inmates. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Your last one-night stand will tell everyone you’re a lousy lay.  Don’t worry about it.  Everyone already knows because it’s been written on the walls of about 60 gas station bathrooms. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s no secret that you’re a major screw-up, so the biggest favor you can do for anybody is to not do a damn thing at all. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Know your friends and your enemies and ask yourself if there’s much of a difference.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 17-23, 2010

We took a moment for the simple sake of finding a quick route escape from Karma’s jokes and Luck’s sour jingle, only to be greeted with Destiny’s middle finger.  “F” you back, you three bitches!  You’ve cast your spell like three old witches.  We’ve no choice but to find out what all this voodoo is all about.  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

All the things you really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.  What a life.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Donuts are proof of all things good in the world.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Today’s promise is tomorrow’s restraining order.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Your street cred is null and void because contrary to popular belief, having a paper cut does not equate to being stabbed by a shank.    

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

It’s not a good thing if your foot stench is strong enough to be smelled over the speaker of a cell phone. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be cursed to have a bunch of first dates with people who are only familiar with five-finger discounts & sale prices at the thrift store.  Hide your wallet until the checks come. You’re fronting the bills.    

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Paper cuts – much like people – remind you just how annoying little pricks can be.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

All of your socks will give off an aroma that will only attract canines.  Avoid fire hydrants and raw hide. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Being wrinkled is your contribution to paying homage to a trailer park community. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Draw a dart board on your forehead.  It’ll be easier for people to find the perfect spot to smack when you  say something inevitably stupid – again. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You’re going to deal with a lot of sh*t today.  If you’re lucky, public restrooms will remind you of all the comforts of home, minus the ring around the toilet seats.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You may be at risk of being your own best friend and your own worst enemy.  Ah who are we kidding?  You are your only friend with a village of enemies. 

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Quote of the Week:   “Don’t keep anyone guessing for too long – they’re sure to seek the answer some place else.”

Second Half-Year Review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010

Well kats and kittens, we’re back with our second half-year review of the Top Pet Peeves of 2010.  When last we met, we ranked the highest pet peeves for the 10th chapter of the new millennium, and boy was it a doozy!  [For those of you who skipped class that day, here’s what you missed – Hottywood’s 1/2 Year Review of the 20 Top Pets Peeves of 2010…So Far]. 

It should come as no surprise that the idiots of our polluted world have managed to top themselves with yet more of the most annoying things they could possibly think of.  And yours truly has taken the initiative to come forward and put those very same idiots on full blast.  Why?  The answer is simple.  Because I don’t give a… Well, I think you get the idea.  

So sit back, relax and see if we share views on the exasperating sh*t that people can come up with. 

_________________________________________________________

People who start off every sentence with, “I.”

Call me crazy, but people who are so wrapped up in the boringness (if that’s even a word outside of the Ebonics dictionary) of themselves should be cast over the side of a short plank, hovering over a sea of man-devouring jelly fish. 

And that’s putting it mildly.

_________________________________________________________

People who look like their pets. 

I know I’m not the only one who has witnessed the circus freak who looks like a dog  — I mean like their dog.  They say when you spend so much time with someone, you begin to look alike. 

_________________________________________________________

People whose greatest accomplishment is calculating the number of bed mates they’ve had in the past 6 months. 

Generally, folks who brag about their sex lives are usually not getting any at all.  That’s what makes them so damn funny.  They’re not lying to anyone but themselves.  

The joke’s on you, skank! 

_________________________________________________________

Lazy people who want you to wait on them hand and foot instead of finding some useful purpose for their existence other than taking up oxygen. 

Sometimes you just want to take those cupcakes and shove ’em right up their ass! 

_________________________________________________________

Celebrities who spend half their lives trying to be famous and then hide behind dark sunglasses to keep from being noticed. 

As soon as their bright star fades, they’ll be doing some ridiculous thing to get attention again.  And our dumb asses are waiting to see what they do next.

_________________________________________________________

People who fart at the dinner table. 

Seriously, what disgusting ill-mannered moron wouldn’t have the decency to pack a travel-kit air freshener when having an attack of a gassy ass? 

_________________________________________________________

People who don’t tell you your fly is open. 

These are just mean and nasty bastards who are secretly trying to get a good look at your family jewels without being sued for sexual harassment. 

However in a perfect world, a gigalo might not mind this slick act of hornismness

That’s right.  I said it.  Now whatchu gon do about it, sucka!? 

_________________________________________________________

People who are consumed by their cell phones.    

It’s because of people like you that Oprah is enforcing this NO PHONE ZONE bullsh*t.   As far as we know, you’re probably just calling the weather only to make yourself look more important than you’re actually not.  You’re not fooling anybody.

_________________________________________________________

People who can’t lie right. 

When you break out into a sweat, your eye starts twitching and you can’t keep still, chances are you’re lying and everyone around you can see it. 

P.S., nobody wants a bad liar on their side.  It’s like being picked last for kickball. 

“A good liar is a better ally than an enemy.  A bad liar is good for nothing.” 

Words to live by. 

_________________________________________________________

People who sniff underarms only on Thursdays. 

…for obvious reasons, of course. 

This gives new meaning to the phrase, “I smell a rat.”

_________________________________________________________

Lindsay Lohan.  …again, for obvious reasons. 

If I’m not mistaken, old Fire Crotch made her way onto our Top Pet Peeves List during the 1st half of the year.   Why can’t this winch get her life together?  Does she know how many other starving addicts would kill to have her celebrity?   Sometimes you just can’t help but to hate people who abuse a good thing. 

(She wasn’t worth enlarging the picture.) 

_________________________________________________________

People who think showing their fat rolls is cute. 

If you don’t sit your fat ass down and cover up with a beach blanket, you better. 

Look, I’m not knocking big people and those who love them, but there’s no reason for you to blind us with the sight of cellulite and twinkie rolls.  Have a little respect for those folks who actually want to keep their lunch down. 

Now excuse me while I go puke. 

_________________________________________________________

Church ladies with those annoyingly big ass hats.    

If your church ladies are anything like mine with their outrageously big hats, you’ll learn that carrying BB guns will come in handy so you can shoot holes inside the hat in order to see what’s happening at the pulpit when the preacher is preaching or when one of the awful choirs are murdering a church selection.  But like a good Christian, you’ll put your hand over your heart, lie, and pretend like nothing’s getting on your mofo nerves.  And then you’ll go home and talk maliciously about that big ass hat and how it probably didn’t match a damn thing the ol’ church lady was wearing, anyway. 

_________________________________________________________

Supervisors who are no more skilled than the office mail clerk. 

Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have some good supervisors, but believe me when I say I’m one of the few lucky ones.  For all of you who are not me, this one’s for you! 

_________________________________________________________

Fast food drive-thru attendants who make you pull over to the side to wait for your food. 

Instead of pulling to the side, pull your car through the front of the restaurant’s window. 

I bet next time they’ll serve you in 60 seconds or less. 

_________________________________________________________

People who lie to your face and then will turn around and stab you in the back.

I have only one thing to say to you:

“KARMA’S A BITCH!” 

_________________________________________________________

Pedestrians who ride their bikes in the street. 

<— Look at this picture and tell me that pictures aren’t worth a thousand words. 

BEEP BEEP Motherfu****! 

_________________________________________________________

People who pee in gas tanks and don’t post it on YouTube. 

Aw c’mon, you know this is funny as hell and should be shared with all of the world.  

As as long as some old geezer isn’t pissing inside your gas tank, what should you care?_________________________________________________________

I guess there’s no need to reiterate that people are more than capable of coming up with some pretty unbelieveable sh*t.  But if you really think about it, without the stupidity of others, we wouldn’t have much to talk about at the water cooler. 

Look, it doesn’t take that much effort to keep your simple crap to yourself.  But it also doesn’t take that much effort to find out what simple crap you’re hiding.  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started, no matter what side of the fence you fall on. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 3-9, 2010

Handle your problems and handle with care in comfort in knowing Hottywood will be there; standing close by to answer your call when your luck for the better takes a clumsy fall. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Watch your back.  You will be bombarded with hate mail from people to whom you owe money.

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Unibrows are making a comeback. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

This is a good week for setting mouse traps while wearing open-toed shoes.  Especially if you have ugly feet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The truth shall set you free.  Be honest with someone even if it means lying to them.

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

There’s no reason to argue with anyone as long as you believe you’re right.  Anything beyond that is a waste of time.

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Settle any problem with a pair of inflatable boxing gloves.   Insert visual [–>HERE<–].

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Today is a good day to start a new habit.  End every sentence and question with the word, “Dammit.” 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean no one’s out to get you.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Looking for love in all the wrong places may be wrong, but it sure is fun.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Don’t trust a woman with hair on her breasts.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Take pictures of yourself during an office staff meeting.  Wardrobe changes add a dramatic effect. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

It’s time to play a little game.  Stand really close to people and sniff them sporadically.  Try to guess what kind of deotorant they’re wearing.

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Quote of the Week:   “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 19-25, 2010

The week is ready to settle in.  Will you lose or will you win?  Will this be the week the pimple pops or when the Final Notices stop?  With Hottywood’s HORRORscopes you never know, so you just gotta stick around for the show!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The good news is today is the day you will make the most sense.  The bad news is you’ll have no idea what the hell you are talking about. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Being cheap is the most memorable thing about you. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Not matching your socks will bring you the best luck bad fashion can buy.

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The dry skin on the heels of your foot will shed like cat fur.   

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Count to 10 backwards then fart 3 times.  That is all. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You are an overachiever in reverse. 

______________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The length of your toenails will determine the amount of booty-call time you’re entitled to. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Smearing ear wax on your neck like scented body oil is guaranteed to attract the love of your life…or a family of gnats. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The hairs of your underarms will intertwine like unkempt dred locs, which is sure to make for a bad day. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A patch of hair, full of dandruff, will grow on your left butt cheek at the stroke of midnight.  Avoid sexual relations for 2100 minutes. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

sihT si tahw elpoep raeh nehw uoy nepo ruoy htuom ot kaeps.  Ebonics has nothing on you.

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You will be cursed with the bladder of a 6 y/o…or a 96 y/o.  …same thing.  Either way, it’s a bad week for romance. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 12-18, 2010

Gas that blows in rooms so small with a scent so strong it could tear down a wall, and all crazy ladies pinch your ass, not your cheeks.  This is what you have in store this week.

But the good news is with my help, you can prepare for the worst! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Reading the ‘Want Ads’ will only remind you of the skills you don’t have. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Thinking small merely measures the size of your brain, you underachiever

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You are liable to have an uncanny allergic reaction to back wax. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Being chased by a mob of angry bill collectors would be better than the week you have ahead of you. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Talking to yourself doesn’t mean you’re crazy.  It’s just proof that there is someone dumb enough who’s willing to listen to your nonsense.   

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

It may be time for a pedicure if you have mushrooms growing between your toes.   

______________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

The next time an annoyingly chipper and pesky person utters the words, “Good morning,” to you — simply reply, “It was, wasn’t it?” 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Beware of scoundrels baring two first names.  If YOU have two first names, well…nevermind. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

It’s no fair starting off every conversation with, “I…,” if you don’t end them with the words “…should drive off a cliff.” 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Be a good samaritan and offer to be the designated driver for all of your drunk friends as long as they pay you in booze. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The one day that every unbelieveably attractive person speaks to you is the very day your breath will smell its worst.  

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today’s conversations provide proof of miracles, beginning with the person to whom you’re speaking being awake. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Every expert begins as an amateur.”  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 20-September 4, 2010

The weekend is over and now it’s too late to blame your bad decisions and even worst luck on the alcohol.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

There’s a strong chance you’ll be caught in a love triangle with two guys named Ben & Jerry. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lay off the pork skins if your back looks like two butt cheeks. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

You are what you eat, so examine everyone and everything you’re sleeping with. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as sh*t in math. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The only time you should turn the other cheek is if you’re referring to your ass getting smacked. 

______________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

If people ignore you when you speak, consider it a compliment.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Stupidity will come out of your mouth like gas after a McDonald’s value meal. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You’ll get more dates as long as one of those potentials are missing one of the most important five senses. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will get a special birthday gift in the form of a traffic citation. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Multiply the number of times you fart in a day by the number of times you tell a lie.  That’s how many times someone will talk about you behind your back tomorrow. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.”  

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 22-28, 2010

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.  Meanwhile, you have to remember that you still have your own crap to deal with.  Lucky for you there’s always a HORRORscope to help you prepare for the worst.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The success of your current relationship is measured by the amount of hair growing on your knee caps. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

You will grow a mole on your butt the size of Danny DeVito. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Pick a number between 1 and 10.  That’s the number of times you are likely to fart in your sleep. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

The only person who is willing to listen to your side of the story is deaf. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You’ll have the pleasure of deciding which is sweeter; Victory or Revenge.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Anyone who asks, “Hello, how are you?” simply has nothing better to say, because we all know they really don’t care. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

You will attract someone whose biggest fetish is the smell of your armpits on Sunday morning. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All of your outfits will look as if they were picked out by Stevie Wonder. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking in circles is your greatest weapon in a battle against those who walk the straight and narrow.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Stupidity is enough to get you in a mess, but it’s not guaranteed to get you out of it. 

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Don’t have a battle of the wits with an unarmed opponent. 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

 

Alcohol: An American Contribution

Ladies and gentlemen, guys and gals, lushes, drunks and everyone called anything that means the same damn thing – HAPPY ALCOHOL APPRECIATION WEEK! 

How often do we get a chance to raise our glasses and drink without guilt or shame in honor of the booze that makes us feel the way we should feel sans alcohol?  Not often enough!  Well now is the time to gather our most tainted, disruptive, uncontrollable friends, who each have no self control or sense of moderation and pay tribute to the substance that lands most unexpected nerds, losers and zeroes in bed with those folks who are clearly out of their league. 

Dating back to the early 1400s, man has had an unorthodox appreciation for alcohol.  On his voyage to the New World in the 15th century, Christopher Columbus brought with him a bottle of Sherry.  After writing and signing the Declaration of Independence in 1776, the founding fathers toasted the signing of the document with Madeira wine.  

If we are able, and in most places around the country, required to celebrate our forefathers for their contributions to our American history, then so shall we celebrate their choice of recreation of downing the liberties that gives this great country its uninhibited spirit.

How can alcohol be all bad if it’s contributed so much to the celebration of the New World?  It’s even a part of our great educational system – history, recess and science.  Let’s kick some knowledge a bit on alcohol and learn before we are too wasted to remember.  In chemistry, an alcohol is any organic compound in which a hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, usually connected to other carbon or hydrogen atoms.  An important class are the simple acyclic alcohols, the general formula for which is CnH2n+1OH.  Of those, ethanol (C2H5OH) is the type of alcohol found in alcoholic beverages, and in common speech the word alcohol refers specifically to ethanol.  However, because most people are too f*cked up to remember the scientific formulas for the euphoric enhancing product or not bright enough to grasp the concept of what they’ve just read a few sentences ago…ALCOHOL IS GOOD BEFORE THINGS GO BAD.

Everyone does it.  Some religions drink it for their communions and remembrance of God.  Doctors drink it before a surgical procedure.  They figure if there’s a strong chance of getting sued for malpractice, why not go all out and get blasted before sticking any needles anywhere?  Dentists make you gurgle mouthwash, which is saturated with alcohol, before sticking a gigantic drill in your mouth to tackle bad breath and cavities.  In other words, they get you drunk so you can’t feel the pain or hear the screams of the other patients sitting in any chairs or rooms next to you.

People get wasted after work, before work and sometimes even during work – and no, I’m not referring to office parties.  More folks than a few have a couple of gin & tonics for their lunch.  Some feel it’s a guaranteed effort of getting through the day without beating the living day lights out of any fellow coworkers.  Some feel it will help them concentrate on not banging their heads against the wall during long and boring meetings.  Those folks however are considered alcoholics.  They have no self control and usually can not wait until they’ve gotten home, kicked off their shoes, fed the cat and thrown themselves across the couch to belligerently go into couch potato mode — you know, like normal people do.  Even after a hard day of fighting crime and using his ex-ray vision to peek beyond the fabrics of women’s Victoria’s Secrets, Superman comes home and unwinds to a bottle of 80 proof of something or other.  And seriously, there’s no greater American hero than Superman, unless Captain America comes to your mind, and even he probably hit the bottle a few times before or after facing any of those great world war battles.

In a recent study, more than 54% of the children surveyed had tried alcohol by the time they reached eighth grade, which goes to show you that booze is even growing in the adolescent community.  Sure, it may be bad now, but those young lushes in training will have something to look forward to once they’ve hit the irresponsible ages of 18 and 21, because really, who waits until they’re 21 to chug-a-lug?   Some parents even douse their fingertips in a glass of whiskey for their babies to lick on to settle them down from whining and crying.  It’s better than teaching them to smoke.  Smoking is bad for your lungs.  If your parents are your greatest influence(s), then you probably have them to thank for your dire need of alcoholic consumption, endless breathalyzer tests and countless DUI’s.  One thing’s for damn sure; if you have a police record for being under the influence, you are anything but boring and everyone will want you to be the life of their party.  Not to mention, every party needs a fall guy when the police comes knocking at the door!

Alcohol is and has been a great part of our universal culture.  It’s been used by people around the world – in the standard diet, for hygienic/medical reasons, for its relaxant and euphoric effects, for recreational purposes, for artistic inspiration, as aphrodisiacs, and for many other reasons. In a nut shell, it’s time to wobble our drunk asses over to the bar and order another round!  So what if vomiting is imminent?   That’s our body’s way of making room for more!  Nobody likes a quitter.  And all it takes is a little effort not to quit partying like a true rock star!  After all, 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:    “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Dec. 20-26, 2009

What if you had Hottywood’s gift of foresight?  You could save yourself a lot of heartache.  Alas you don’t, but never fear!  Hottywood is here to help.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

This is a good week for running naked across the courtyard.  You are destined to find romance with someone half as crazy as you are.  Beware of horny stray dogs and elves dressed as policeman.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you shut your trap for a minute, you might learn that you talk too much.  This week someone close to you will punch you in the lip.  That’ll teach your ass a lesson.    

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

There will be no beverages available the next time you eat something spicy.  You will continue to clear your throat until it is raw, sore and absolutely burning. Unfortunately, the noise you make will annoy the sh*t out of anyone standing near you. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

The bunions on your feet will split through the sides of all of your favorite shoes.  They will also ache constantly and smell like barbeque corn chips.  This will not be a good week for socializing. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

You’ll be buried under a mountain of shaving cream.  This will be potentially disastrous if you are a hairy ass female. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

All of your lover’s kisses will taste like puppy spit.  Here’s your perfect chance to reconsider your taste in romantic partners.  You can always do better, you just have to realize it for yourself… beginning next week. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

666, 13, and 911 are your lucky numbers for the week.  Unfortunately you won’t win the lottery off any of these, but you will be pulled over by the police at least 13 times. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

What better way to say I love you than with a bagillion voicemail messages and a few “peek-a-boo I see you” post-it notes stuck to your secret crush’s door.  There’s only one catch, that crush knows who the hell you are.  Restraining orders are imminent, you stalker. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

“Ho Ho Ho” is not going to be jolly old St. Nick’s way of letting you know he’s near.  It’s going to be your nickname for the week.  That can either be a good thing or a bad thing.  The choice is yours.  Let me know what you decide.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Your supervisor is going to be jealous of everything you do this week and will increase your work load by 80% just to revel in your failure.  You can win this battle if you only run your boss over in the parking lot.  Don’t forget a ski mask. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

All of your cologne will smell like you just flushed a toilet.  You need to get your funky ass to a bathtub pronto!  Even your pets are hiding from your stinky butt. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You’re going to be charged a pet fee for a pet you’re not allowed to have.  Trust me, this is the highlight of your effed up week.  Start drinking now.  Save me a swig of whatever you’re having!  Misery loves company. 

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Quote of the Week:    “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”