Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 30-February 5, 2010

The Superbowl is coming up in one more week.  Until then it’s answers you seek.  Answers to the questions of sh*t that lies ahead of things that make you sick or even wish you were near dead.  Death is not the answer.  We all know this is true.  But in the event of crappy situations, ask yourself, “what would Hottywood do?”  

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You have a special gift if you can name 101 ways to disguise elbow macaroni.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anyone can scotch tape someone’s eyebrows together but it takes a strong man to snatch that tape off and run like a lil bitch.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

A zit will be the 3rd wheel on a first date.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Everything means something and nothing is included in that everything.  That leaves something to be desired.  But what does it leave if nothing is everything?  Everything or nothing at all? 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Fighting in private is one thing.  Fighting in public is just ghetto.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

A dog that has no master worries not of betrayal.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

This week your boobs will have a life of their own, which will be terribly interesting if you’re a man and flattering if you’re a flat-chested woman.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

If you tell someone to kiss your ass and their lips aim for your mouth, you should feel more insulted than you intended for them to feel. ___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

All those people who keep telling you to shut up are just the voices in your head. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

You may not become an angel until you get the devil beaten out of you.   ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you feel something nibbling at your socks and you’re wearing new shoes, that just means your feet are dirty.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

If you have no standards, you have no structure.  If you have no structure, you prove yourself to be the mess everyone perceives you to be.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything.”    

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To Those Who Take Advantage of Others: The Jig is Up

Are you one of those people who are taken advantage of by folks in and out of your inner circle?  If you are, you’ll be happy to know that you’re not alone. 

A wise man once said, “some things are better left unsaid.”  Obviously that wise man wasn’t wise enough to have anyone need him for anything.  So he probably wasn’t that wise to begin with.  Therefore I, being the wise man that I am, am standing up to tell you that sometimes you need to tell needy mofos to get off your jock and fix their sh*t their damn selves, because if you weren’t around to make their lives easier, they’d have to do it themselves anyway.  Either you be honest and tell them to leave you the hell alone or simply kick them where the sun doesn’t shine…which is always the first alternative choice!  

To the people who only call when they need something.  You morons may think we are stupid but the only person who is stupid is you!  You can call us until you’re blue in the face but sooner or later we are going to tell you to go shove it.  When your name flashes across the caller id, if you’re not calling to tell us that someone has died, your best bet is call us to tell us you’re dying because that’s the only way we’re going to have enough sympathy to get off our asses to help your ass out.  If we needed something, could we call on you?   Hell no and you know it.  You creeps always have an excuse why you can’t be around when the chips are down.  So go choke on some potato chip crumbs.  And when your air pipes have clogged until you’re gasping for that last breath and you need a ride to the hospital, don’t call us because we won’t be available.  

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To the people who are too lazy or dumb to do anything for themselves.  You’re too indolent to take a wild stab in the dark to try to accomplish anything for yourself without the help of others so you whine and beg until someone feels sorry enough for your ass to give you a hand.  Well the jig is up, swine bait!  If we weren’t around to perform all the hard labor while you take the credit and smile in our faces, you’d have no other choice but to fend yourself.  So here’s a word of advice for you: No one likes laziness and not too many people can stand being around someone too dumb to take the initiative to invest in their own doing.  Because you are the type of person that you are, may your socks forever slouch to your ankles and your underwear always itch.  Those are two things no one is going to be dim-witted enough to work on for you, so let’s see if your balls are big enough to ask for help with that.  

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To the people who only help you when there’s something in it for them.  We’ve peeped your game.  You only come around when there’s something in it for you, that’s why no one bothers to call you for anything.  We will give you a little bit of credit though, for offering your help, even if it does mean you’re only offering because you think you’re going to get something out of the deal.  Well how about this?  We’ll promise to give you a cut of the profit for lending us your help, but we won’t promise on when we’ll deliver on that promise.  That’s right, just like you’re intending on using us for your own personal gain, we can play that game right along with you, you selfish skunk butt.  We’re not idiots.  We’re going to accept any help you offer us, but after we’ve used you for what we need, we’re simply going to accidentally push you over a cliff because we already know you’re not gullible enough not to realize that we’re playing you at your own game.  But we’re pretty confident that you’re credulous enough to fall for your own prank once.  We’re not giving you that much credit.

To sum it up nicely; if you think we’re going to continue to be your crutch, for whatever reason, then the left side of your brain is just as malfunctioned as your right.  We are smart enough to know that if all you assholes keep coming to us for help, then we are smarter than we give ourselves credit for.   And if we don’t think we’re that smart, we’re smart enough to know that 90% of any effort is getting started.  So what we don’t know we can surely learn.  And learn it we shall without any help from you!   Sianara byches! 

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Quote of the week:   He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of Jan. 23-29, 2011

Liars and bullsh*tters and cheaters galore.  Double-crossers and haters and so much more.  Backstabbers who write the lyrics to the songs they sing.  These are a few of my least favorite things.  The week is new and the crap is whack, so listen closely to the kettle that calls the pot black.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

You will be forced to confess a secret to a cross-eyed snake who has more dirt on you than a mountain has cliffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A wolf can not seek loyalty amongst sheep.  ___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Don’t bother doing your hair this week.  It’ll just look like burnt spaghetti. ___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Nothing smells worse than an asshole who tries to bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. ___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

To change your luck, gargle a malt beverage three times while standing on your tippy toes. Face whatever direction the sun doesn’t shine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You can get your point across better with a drop-kick than you can with words. ___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You give your best concerts in the shower when no one is around to hear you.  Stick to that. ___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Food for thought: Is the honor in your words worth less than the shoes on your feet?___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Your underwear is a change you simply must make. ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

A shoplifter will try to steal your joy.  His five-finger discount should only buy him one [hand] palm across the left jaw. ___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The good news is for the next few days you’ll be quite the conversationalist.  The bad news is no one will want to talk to you.  ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Today you’ll be riding on the fumes of luck.  If you smell something rotten, you’ll know exactly what it is.  ___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:   “When the center of the universe is discovered, a lot of people will be disappointed to learn they are not it.”    

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 14-20, 2010

We’ve come yet to another new week where people will deceive and lie before they speak.  An old routine that’s always played the same.  Yup, you guessed it; “Bullsh*t” is the name of the game! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Speak with a pirate accent the next time you make love during the middle of the week.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This is a good week to indulge in a little cultural music.  It may help to drown out some of those voices in your head. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Dust off those tap shoes. Tonight you’re going to be dancing around the truth.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If you’re angry without enthusiasm, that’s called “Depression.”  It’s probably because all of your socks have holes in the heels. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

This week, a psychic lover will break up with you before you even have a chance to meet them. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Your armpits are an unexplored musical instrument, especially if you can play a score of any major show tune without missing a beat.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You are likely to come up with a clever solution while sitting on a porcelain throne at high noon after eating a bag of greasy salt & vinegar potato chips and sandwich pickles. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The enemy of your enemy is your friend and should not be trusted any more than you should be if left alone in a room with a box full of donuts. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Today, you must take charge of a situation; but nothing will be accomplished without a 2×4 plank, some scotch tape and a dull butter knife.  Imagination is everything. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will appear more charming than you actually are.  This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has just established a career as a professional parrot feeder.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

If you think you hate your job, be glad you aren’t a roll of toilet paper.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Squeeze a coworker’s nipple in an elevator.  Follow that whole “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” rule.  It will also make an impression if you actually call them a cow. Remember to bob and weave! 

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Quote of the Week:   “You can’t walk on eggshells if you have bad feet.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 7-13, 2010

The weekend has passed and Monday is here.  Good luck has left and bad luck is near.  There’s no need to worry about crappy lost hope.  Not when you have Hottywood’s HORRORscopes! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Make a wall of fame for your favorite underwear and look forward to a lot more date nights.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You may develop boils on your butt cheeks that may make it difficult to sit on a load of bullsh*t.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

If your armpits smell like French onion dip, jump off a bridge at high noon tomorrow.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If someone tells you how beautiful you look today, check your mirror for bugars as today is statistically proven to be a day for massive lies.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your best ideas are the ones everyone around you has ignored.  Pout now; gloat later.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

The more you talk the more gas a buffalo passes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

No one will remember your name until a toilet flushes.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Sweating scent-free hot chocolate is a key factor that your ass needs a damn bath.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Peeing with the door open will bring u good luck unless you’re a prison inmate.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Read the warning label on your next relationship. The side effects may keep you from having to operate heavy machinery while high.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The way things look now aren’t the way things looked then.  And the way things look now may not be the way things will look soon because sometimes things don’t always look like what they look like. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You are stubborn and bullheaded and give the worst advice unless you’re telling someone to shut the hell up.  You also fart the loudest out of a crowd of baked bean eaters.

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Quote of the Week:   “Liars begin by imposing upon others and end with deceiving only themselves.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 15-21, 2010

If there’s one thing that you should always remember, it’s that “sh*t happens.”

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Don’t put all your energy into finding someone to love you if you haven’t mastered the art of loving yourself first. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

When one door closes, there’s always a brick to open a window.  …unless you’re a stalker — then this probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Stop apologizing for not being who people want you to be and don’t be ashamed for not being who you should be.  More people than you think don’t care either way. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Taking on the mentality that you’re everyone’s type only labels you as a garden tool. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Your pissy attitude will come back to haunt you the next time you have a one-night-stand with a farty old brillo pad wearing a bad hair piece. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Difficulties at work will cause you to punch a hole in a wall.  Ironically, talking to an irritating coworker will be like talking to a brick wall.  See where this is headed?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

It’s time to act like the arrogant asshole everyone thinks you are.  If people are going to perceive you as something you’re not, you might as well give them what they want and have fun doing it. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

People will know you’re lying about your age by the number of rings around your stomach. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

When all else fails, bunjee jumping with a string of yarn is the next best thing.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Cursing is the best way to get your point across.  That, and a sharp wooden stick. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

The only thing stronger than a mother’s love is onion breath. ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

By the time you finish reading this HORRORscope, a blond-haired smurf will be knocked up and not know who the father is. 

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Quote of the Week:   “An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.”

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 18-24, 2010

Welcome to this week’s edition of Hottywood’s HORRORscopes.  This is your chance to find out what effects your smelly socks will have on the universe and where your disposition ranks you among those people who pretend not to judge you.  Are you ready?  Well if you aren’t, that’s what I’m here for.  Why?  Because Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Contrary to popular belief, eavesdropping is not a skill.  It’s a warrant for a straight up ass whooping. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything anyone says to you will go in one ear and out the other because there’s nothing blocking the traffic. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Your back hair resembles yak fur. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19 

If walls could talk, your freaky ass would be in a world of trouble. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Someone is itching to slap the sh*t out of you – and we’re not talking about on the ass. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

That mole hiding underneath your pubic hair is not really a mole at all.  It’s time for a second opinion. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

You may be lucky enough for someone to forgive your ignorance this week but don’t put all your eggs in one basket.   

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Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Foreplay for you means having someone clip your toenails before sex. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

You will be visited by the ghost of a public restroom on the 3rd day of the 4th week during the 15th minute of the last hour of the day. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22 

That thing you want to get off your chest is probably just a boil. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You should consider slipping into something more comfortable for the lover who’s not that interested in you – like a coma.    

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Borrow $.50 from anyone who feels sorry for you and buy yourself a personality. 

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Quote of the Week:      “A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”