Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.
_________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You should keep your mouth shut. Remember, that’s how a fish gets caught.
____________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you are confused about the status of a date, look into your date’s eyes and say, “This is officially a date.” If they don’t like it, put your clothes back on and go the hell home. Run if you can after you’ve picked your face up off the floor.
____________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The only thing better than finding something you were looking for is finding something you weren’t looking for at a bargain…on a ho stroll…in June…around 2am…while wearing MC Hammer pants.
____________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
If someone writes in your obituary that you died of gonorrhea instead of diarrhea at the time of your untimely demise, you should be a little flattered. It’s better to be remembered as a lover rather than a sack of shit.
____________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Congratulations! You have just been elected as chairman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.
____________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A wise pothead once said, “There is no smoke without fire.”
____________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Nothing good ever comes from a big furry butt covered with leather insulated underwear. Nothing.
____________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
Once you’re in hell only the devil can help you out.
____________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Teeth that glitter aren’t always gold.
____________________________________________________
Libra
September 23 – October 22
You can get people to do anything you want just by saying, “I killed Simon. I am the new Simon Says.”
____________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You can’t quite get moving today. It’s probably because you haven’t had a decent morning bowel movement. When you do, do it publicly on a [staff meeting] conference room table.
____________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Sometimes all you need to know is your name…and maybe if you’re wearing clean underwear.
_________________________________________________________
Quote of the week: Every cow needs its titty milk more than once.
