Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
If someone thinks your name is great, wait until they hear your phone number.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Some heel will start a big fire at a shoe factory and 200 soles will be lost.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t forget to demand the right price for your services or others may think they can get something for nothing. This HORRORscope is mainly for hookers.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Who said life was fair? You can’t get a job in this town unless you can do something.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You aren’t fooling anyone. You’re not wearing gloves. Your hands are just extra wrinkly.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You and the teacher from the Charlie Brown cartoons speak the same language.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Silent farts are loud to the nose.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Brown sweat stains in the shape of Elvis will mysteriously appear in all the underarms of your t-shirts.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A four-letter word will answer any question.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Broken cookies are good for you because once they break, all the calories fall out.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Pretend you’re a bobble head doll every time you engage in a conversation about a topic you know nothing about.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you keep walking down the same dead end street, you’re probably just as dumb as the wall you’re repeatedly walking into.
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Quote of the week: “There are only two things you can’t eat for dinner; breakfast and lunch.”
