Find out what’s in the cards for you this week.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A waffle iron between the sheets gives new meaning to breakfast in bed and toasting your buns.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Tonight, go to sleep with a rubber ducky, for tomorrow you will awaken in your own pool of drool…and it will smell like a rough night and bad morning combined.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are homesick for a place you’ve never been or a person you’ve never been in.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
One lap dance is too many and a thousand is not enough.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
You can’t not know what you know they know.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If you can “huh,” you can hear.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A human, a bioroid, and a cyborg all walk into a bar… Catch phrase this.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Never trust a girl whose tracks are showing. She doesn’t give a fu*k!
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
There are much easier things in life than finding the love of your life; like nailing Jell-O to a tree, for example.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
In the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,’ one never sees any tigers or dragons. The reason why is because they are crouching and hidden.
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Quote of the week: “I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” –Winston Churchill
