Weekend Eve: “Kiss My Ass,” Never Sounded So Good

Guys and Gals, the week is almost over and we have officially arrived to the sweet symphony of Thursday, better known as WEEKEND EVE!  Yesterday you reaped the benefits of Hump Day, now is the time to start fixing your lips to tell all your haters, bosses and bill collectors to, “Kiss my ass!”  You’ve dealt with pissy attitudes, impossible demands and the screeching cry of your alarm clock all for this one day to say, “Tomorrow is “Fuq ‘em Friday and the weekend is history in the making!”

Sure, you have one more day to slave over paperwork in an office that doesn’t appreciate you.  You have another day to practice your road rage as you sit in traffic.  You even have one more day to pull some old wrinkled garment out of the dirty clothes hamper because you were too lazy or too trifling to do laundry.  But this day – this grand ole Thursday is the one day out of the week where the butterflies in your stomach are from pure genuine excitement and not from the booze of last evening, after having dealt with the agony of Monday thru Wednesday.

This is your day to close one final project and sweep all the rest under the carpet until next Monday, where all the bullshytters, complainers and back stabbers line up to piss you off all over again.  The best part of this day however, is that you couldn’t give a shyt less because you know in your heart and soul that doing anything responsible on Fridays goes against everything you believe in and stand for.  So although you may have a disturbingly shytty job as an armpit sniffer or a soda pop taste tester who has been plagued with eternal pimples from a heavy ingestion of sugar, you know that Friday, Saturday and Sunday holds nothing but mischief, mayhem and an illegal count of alcohol consumption.  This is what you’ve worked all week for!

To the mean old cafeteria lady who works in the school with adolescent demons that point and snicker at her hair net; to the little old lady who’s forced to play bingo with a bunch of old bitties that can’t watch anything on TV except ‘The Price is Right’; and to the office geek who’s greatest talent is to get beat up in the parking lot every day at the sound of the 5 o’clock whistle; it’s time to pull yourself up by the boot straps and get a little crazy!

Dear Ms. Lunch Lady, remind those bad ass kids that Hansel and Gretel was cooked in the witch’s oven for being naughty little bastards.

Dear Old Grandma, tell your senior citizen stick-in-the-muds to stick their dentures where the sun doesn’t shine!

…and Dear Little Office Geek, your best bet is to hop on the internet and find some bored schmuck to terrorize in a chat room because your ass is getting whooped for a reason, so you’d better not take any chances going out in public.

To all others – young, old, working or not, grab your best pals [or anyone gullible enough to pay your way] and paint the town red!  For in four more days, you will remember what it’s like to live in hell on Earth in a bottomless pit called Monday.

Get off your ass and plan your celebration on this here weekend eve.  C’mon. Make Hottywood proud.


Quote of the week:    “Weekends don’t count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.”



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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

______________________________________________________

 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

______________________________________________________

 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.” 

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 9-14, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Grape soda is not considered a sexy body fragrance. It should be, but sadly it’s not.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are multi-talented enough to talk and piss people off at the same time.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Are you good looking from afar or far from good looking?

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your handle on life is like the handle of a cheap handbag.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You won’t find a man alive who has ever complained about a faulty parachute.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are three people that live in this world: People who make things happen, people who watch things happen and people who ask what happened.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to use.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A sharp tongue can kill without a knife.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “It takes one day to destroy that which took one hundred years to build.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 18-24, 2011

Here we are to you know when and what happens now is better than what happened then. Although sh*t will happen much if it could, it’ll all be all right with some insight from Hottywood.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Covering one lie with another is like covering bad meat with gravy.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Every Pizza Hut across the country will have a shortage of dough, limiting your menu choices to a cup of cheese & an IOU.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’ve had a rough night if the reflection in your mirror looks like Flavor Flav.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Out of seven billion people on the planet, no one has any business chasing after the one who doesn’t want to be caught.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

An obese midget named Bertha is going to flirt with you right after her jazzercize class while still wearing a thong leotard.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The common denominator of five failed relationships is you.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The reason why people keep asking you where you’re going is because they know the places you’ve been.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

People who speak out of their ass talk a lot of sh*t.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slapping a McDonald’s cashier is unethical and probably illegal, but arguably therapeutic.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Finding the love of your life is easier than you think if you show a little chest hair and butt fat.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You feel slow and sleepy today, and that could mean that you’re finding it harder than usual to pay attention. In other words today is no different than any other day.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When speaking to people today, let your eyes do the talking. Yellow teeth is a conversation distraction.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “If you think too much about the past, you’ll never be able to look to the future.”

Payback is a Bitch!

Kats and kittens, it’s time for us to sit our fat asses down for a minute to mean-mug those folks who take advantage of other people.  We don’t even really need to discuss a particular band of abusers but we’ll name them so they will know we’re on to them and are against their bullsh*t.  

The Offenders:  

Non-debt paying money borrowers; the folks who only call when they need/want something; the people who stand you up for dates and then make it seem like you were at fault; the folks who monopolize a conversation; the folks who monopolizes a conversation with talk of only themselves; supervisors and coworkers that can’t do their own work; Chinese carry outs that constantly change their menu prices based on the class of their customers; delivery guys that automatically take their tips and delivery fees out of the customer’s total charge and still expect an extra tip after they’ve made you walk to their car to pick up your food; meter maids that dish out tickets in an effort to fill some stupid quota; parents that don’t pay babysitters and day care centers; banks that charge $2.50-$3.95 surcharges for ATM usage; the IRS; the federal government; preachers that use the Lord’s name to cover up their sins; hustlers that charge $20 for a $10 bag; oil and gas companies; booty callers that think you’re good enough for a f*ck but not good enough for a relationship; nightclubs that allow ladies to get in free before midnight but charge fellas full price coverage all damn night; Facebookers and Tweeters who use the social networks to direct message some form of perversion; all Popeyes food chains that overcharge for their delicious, greasy chicken; family members that believe you owe them because of your blood relation; neighbors that borrow your electrical socket(s) when they don’t pay their electric bill; pimps; cab drivers; the DC metro rail system; the cost of city tourism; the $.99 store that charges a 6% tax charge, blatantly discrediting the store’s self entitled name; backstabbing BFFs; anyone that never has any money but always wants to go out to eat; friends that always need a ride somewhere but never offer any gas money; and Lindsay Lohan.  

These repeat offenders are able to get away with their shenanigans because we let them.  I am to here to take a stand and speak for those persons who are constantly taken advantage of by those people that think we’re too dumb to know what the hell they are doing.  

You offenders must stop this foolishness!  The world is too small and life is too short to be bombarded with the outrage of your sick, selfish and imprudent ways.  You have managed to take somebody’s kindness for weakness and therefore reserved your front row seat to a back alley beat down and have been placed on a waiting list for a quick journey straight to hell, and all those people who would not allow themselves to tell you “hell no” will do nothing less than take pride in watching karma bite you in the ass.  You may think you’re getting away with some slick sh*t, but let Hottywood be the one to tell you that every shut eye isn’t sleep.  Change your ways or change your zip code because today the change has come.  

#ThatIsAll

____________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Nothing is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”    

 

 

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 11-17, 2011

Monday is here.  Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you?  You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream.  Lucky for you humor is what I do best.  When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition.  It’s a gas bubble. 

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet. 

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:  “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 4-10, 2011

Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 28-September 3, 2011

Irene has caused quite a bit of trouble which warrants some humor and on the double. Lucky for you, it’s what I do best or my name isn’t Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Minding someone else’s business only brings attention to your own.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The electric company will decide when it’s time for you to sit in a dark room and think about the bullsh!t you’ve gotten yourself into.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Today you need to step aside and let someone else do what you do better.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only thing worse than being lied to is getting your private parts stuck in the zipper of your pants.

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to a burning question that’s been on your mind all week long can be found at the bottom of a bag of corn chips.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not forgetting is what makes forgiving harder than it sounds.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re feeling a bit blue, it’s probably because you’ve been spending too much time being green over something someone else has.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone thinks you’re angry today because of the way your eyebrows are connecting in the middle.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those bells you hear ringing in your head isn’t a bright idea. They’re police sirens.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone who knows the least about you will have the most to say.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In a moment you will see what a snob a clod can be.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is nothing amusing about the closing of an amusement park.

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Quote of the week:  “Don’t abuse the privilege of your entitlement of being stupid every now and then.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 21-27, 2011

You found your week wasn’t so bad given the circumstances you had.  Now that you know you can handle the deal, let’s see what’s next as we spin the wheel.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you experience a lot of resistance today, it’s probably because you’re about as subtle as a pair of handcuffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Nothing but good things can happen from sitting in mud and wearing raw vegetables over your eyes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today everyone will do everything you say and will cater to your every whim. And then all of a sudden you will wake up.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You own the last curse-out on the planet and are given three choices of whom to give it to: (1) your supervisor; (2) a relative; (3) or an airplane pilot?

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Stealing someone else’s newspaper is the first step to sharing a cell with a bunk-mate named Smitty.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Nothing will piss you off more than realizing that you shouldn’t have been pissed by whatever it was that pissed you off, because the only person that pisses on is the person who got pissed by something that was hardly piss-worthy.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is your day to blackmail someone into giving you something you want, but act wisely. Tomorrow, Karma is planning a slumber party and you are on the guest list.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Happy Weight Gain Appreciation Day! Go out to every fast-food restaurant you see and super size everything on the $1 menu.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Running in the same circles doesn’t get you any where but caught up.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“Your all is your best,” is the answer. “By whose standards?” is the question.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today you will be a magnet to crazy people with middle names taken from Himalayan jungle tales.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a choice to make that will effect a lot of people that are depending on you. The wisest words you can hear right now is, “Don’t !%@# it up.”

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t be late until you show up.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 14-20, 2011

You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it.  Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 

After you’ve run and hidden from all the stress it’ll comfort you to know that Hottywood still helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wanting something really badly and being ready for that which you want are two different things.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A small mind gets trapped in a small world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will spend a short period of time living in the past and may quickly realize that you should have left it right where it was.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are quick on your feet when it comes to lying, avoiding people to whom you owe money and peeing behind trees in residential neighborhoods. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not much of a difference between always being angry and always looking for something to make you happy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Raise a glass and repeat the following: “Here’s to those that wish me well & those that don’t can go to hell!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The ring around your collar is closely identical to the ring around your tub.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Contrary to popular belief, spitting 16 bars of “Roses are red; Violets are blue,” does not make you a groundbreaking rapper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Gym socks are the only thing that stinks worse than fear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are only two things that have arguable rights to tell you if you are the fairest of them all: a fast talking mirror and a wise cracking homosexual.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every time you pass gas without saying “excuse me,” you will gain the weight equivalent to eating an entire loaf of bread.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to lube up your ankles if your ash is easily mistaken for chicken flour.

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Quote of the week:  “Somewhere in the vicinity there is a porcelain throne faintly calling your name.”

Are You a Tithing Member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle? Rate Yourself.

It doesn’t take much to become a member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle.  With a little laziness, scandal and some effort in being trifling, you too can have courtside seats at the devil’s arena.  Just be sure to pack a water bottle because things tend to get hot! 

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You’ve shown up for church hung over from the night before.  20 points 

You’ve brought your own communion wine to church.  60 points 

You’ve hooked up with another church member during service.  60 points  If that church member was the pastor, a deacon or deaconess, add 40 points. 

You use curse words in your prayers.  10 points 

You are a choir director but can not sing and only listen to hardcore rap.        10 points 

Your church bylaws come from a Hollywood gossip magazine or some variation of a national inquirer.  40 points 

You’ve re-enacted the Lord’s supper or the Last supper at a McDonald’s food chain.  30 points 

You’ve shown up for church without wearing any underwear.  10 points 

You’ve shown up for church wearing someone else’s underwear.  20 points 

***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***   ***      

Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle  Membership Rating  

0 – 60              You are almost but not quite a serious sinner. 

61 – 100          You either need Jesus or a psychiatrist.

101 – 160        You need to be hosed down with holy water. 

161 – 300        Pack your bags for a permanent vacation to hell!   

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 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**