The Ineffective, Yet Highly Enjoyable Hottywood Diet

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a fat kid trapped in a skinny man’s body.  Some say they hate me for that; some say they are jealous; and others haven’t bothered to form an opinion one way or another.  You may think whatever you want of my ability to eat 200 chicken wings in one sitting, but you can’t help but to admire my commitment to stuffing my face until my stomach or ass reach a code red for explosion.  Before we go any further, I’m reminded of a limerick my family used to sing to me every time I farted after a big meal: 

“Better to let it out and be ashamed

Than to hold it back and bust a vein!” 

Most of you who are reading this right now are probably grossed out by what you’re reading, but sometimes even clean reading can get a little messy.  Here’s when you challenge your sense of humor and either go with the flow or just go.  

I didn’t bring you here to discuss my gastric issues.  What I came here to say is “down with dieting — BOOOO!” What’s the point?  It’s no fun.  After all, the first three letters of the word “diet” are D-I-E.  Having said that, below is the very ineffective, yet most highly enjoyable Hottywood Diet, guaranteed not to make you lose a single pound!  Hey, look at it this way, the more fat that dangles around your love-handles only means there’s more of you to love.  Own up to it.  Hell, I do.  I’ve already decided that in my next life I’m going to come back as a pie-eating champion.  

Anyway, enjoy the not-so-helpful diet tips below.  If you’re going to eat yourself into a frenzy, you might as well enjoy every last crumb.  

FOODS TO AVOID:

Avoid nothing!  Eat any damn thing you want.   That’s the best part about the Hottywood Diet.  There are no repercussions; no second thoughts.  Just enjoy the moment.  And if anyone tells you to avoid any kind of food, you tell them to avoid the fist that you’ll be throwing at their forehead.  …and you’ll only be throwing a fist because you probably ate the last cream pie. 

INSTEAD OF STARVING YOURSELF TO MEET SOCIETY’S DEMANDS OF “NORMAL”: 

  1. Eat about 25%-50% above your calorie maintenance level.  More, if you’re an overachiever or one greedy motherf*cker. 
  2. Don’t spread your calories into 5-6 small meals.  Instead, eat 5-6 big meals!  Dessert and snacks count as bonus points.  If you’re going to go all out — go all the way.   
  3. Drink plenty of kool-aid and carbonated sodas instead of tasteless water.  Alcohol is also a fun beverage to wash your meals down with, especially in the morning. 
  4. Toss your weight scale in front of a herd of angry ostriches.  If you follow this ineffective diet, you won’t need it anymore.   
  5. Exercise is the ENEMY!  Don’t bother working out.  You’ll be too tired after you eat anyway. 
  6. And last but not least, the only pills you should be taking are those “All-Night-Long” pills for men and women.  Who the hell heard of taking a pill to curb your appetite???  Talk about a hard pill to swallow, geez.   

People of Earth invest way too much time, effort and energy into attempting to lose weight.  Everyone except people in a few third-world countries of course, but that’s a horse of a different color.  If we weren’t meant to eat ourselves into deep dips inside our couches, then why on Earth is food so good?  Don’t blame us for eating the heavy carbs and loads of sugar.  Our appetites are keeping businesses afloat – Popeyes; McDonalds; Sonic; Dairy Queen.  We’re contributing a lot to the livelihood of businesses; keeping jobs filled; providing an American justice.

I could go on and on about how we should avoid b*tches like Jenny Craig and that whole Nutrisystem scam sham.  You only have one life to live so you might as well live it to the fullest…or live while being full.  And it certainly doesn’t take 90% of any effort to do that.  Especially if there’s a ham bone tied to a string on a stick at the end of effort’s trail.  

Now I’m not shoving any food down anyone’s throat so if you gain a few extra pounds, good for you, but you can’t say it was at my hand.  In fact, my hands are full and greasy, thanks to these fries and this fully loaded pepper jack burger!   So on that note — peace out ya’ll!  I’m about to make my inner fat kid very happy. 

Nom Nom Nom

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:   “Sex is just as important as eating or drinking and we ought to allow the one appetite to be satisfied with as little restraint or false modesty as the other.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of May 2-8, 2010

So the weekend is over and now you’re worried that Karma is on its way to bite you in the ass for that dastardly prank you played on someone you deemed silly, stupid or pointless.  Let me save you some worry.  It is!  Karma is a bad mutha-shut your mouth and ALWAYS gets even.  Luckily, you have Hottywood to tell you what’s in the cards for your luck.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

Be sure you have the chops to back up your lies because there are about 10 people lined up to call your bluff.  Watch out for ass whoopings. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Pimples and weight gain are an even exchange for an all cake diet. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

Never make it common practice to speak without thought unless booze, stripper poles or chicken wings are present. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

Learn to appreciate the little things in life – like peeing while standing up. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

All your kisses will taste like raw salmon. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

You may be inclined to be careless, heartless or cold.  Relax. You’re just horny.  Visit the lubricant section of your local porno shop.    

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

Something small makes way for something big tomorrow.  Company is coming in the form of acne.  Prepare to be a laughing stock.  

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

Unexpressed feelings can brew into a pricey bar brawl.  If you are already a violent lush, then you have nothing to worry about. 

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

Bushy eyebrows are a prefect way to alter an already bad look.  Hamsters are also on sale. 

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

Speaking about your nipples in the third person will result in a very surprising outcome. 

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

You will be on a spiritual journey toward a bright light, white throne and hand towels.  However, the heavenly choir may sound like a toilet flush echoing in the wind.  

___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

Someone may get the wrong impression if you wish them a safe trip over a cliff or an open window.  Who cares?  Think of only yourself.   

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:     Don’t be so humble.  You are not that great.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 21-27, 2010

So what you got dumped for someone younger, smarter and way hotter?  If you’dve only come to Hottywood first, I could’ve taught you how to pretend to be better than you are and warned you to stay away from that last chocolate chip cookie.  Never fear, there’s always something better than what you thought was the best! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19 

The only worst thing that could happen to you is if you’re sold on the black market and fondled by filth.  It’s going to be a rough week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Lying about your age will only work if you have four legs and tail…or if you look like you should have four legs and a tail. 

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20   

That scratching you keep hearing at the door is only your skeletons falling out of the closet. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19 

It’s not okay to have to wear a bra for the humps on your back. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20 

Indulge your inner weirdo this week, no matter who is watching.  In other words — just be yourself! 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20 

Pushing your stomach in a wheel barrel is not considered exercise, you fat ass.

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22 

There is no fear in love.  The fear comes when your ass is about to get dumped. 

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22 

The one thing you’ll be recognized for the most at work will be not showing up at all.   

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22 

The echo you keep hearing in your head is just proof that not all elevators go to the top floor.  ___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22 

There’s one thing you have in common with a public service station restroom — the smell

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21 

Let people not like you for who you are instead of who you pretend to be. 

 ___________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21   

You won’t host any pity parties this week, but you may be the guest of honor at a few of them.  Don’t worry.  Being lonely is the new “bunned up.” 

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:    “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”