I come to you every week with words of wisdom, slapstick advice and bags of sarcasm. By now you probably think I’m cold, angry or bitter. I have to tell you that you’d be wrong! I’m real. Like it or leave it.
And so that you know that I do have a heart made out of white gold, on this Thanksgiving holiday I’m going to share with you what it is I am thankful for.
I’m thankful for cruel, foul-mouthed children at the bus stop.
Those bad ass kids remind me that I was young once. And that my insults were way more creative. They also remind me of all the switches my grandma would pull off the tree if I even looked like I was going to come out of the mouth wrong. “Ouch!” I think I’m getting welps just thinking about it. But now that I am thinking about it, I’m thankful for grandma. Even for all the times she whooped the sh*t out of my ass. Those country whoopings taught me respect.
I’m thankful for small paychecks and unexpected bills.
Even though I work like a modern day slave, sweat tears and cry rivers all for little more than a Scooby snack; and sometimes want to shove my head inside a burning toaster oven when the gas bill comes, or when the “check engine” light flashes on my dashboard, or when my cell phone bill lashes a ridiculous “tax” charge on my bill summary, I’m still thankful for the small paycheck and the unexpected bills because it reminds me that I have to work harder on my hustle to either accumulate more money to handle my business or land myself in a better class of debt.
“More money more problems.” That sh*t ain’t gon’ change, but at least there’s a dime to count, a pot to piss in and window to throw it out of.
I’m thankful for the coworkers who always manage to find my last nerve to get on.
If it weren’t for those coworkers who ignore me at the water cooler or the colleagues that astonish me with their lack of knowledge of computers – especially those bullsh*tting tech support guys – I wouldn’t appreciate my time away from home. The sound of fighting neighbors, barking dogs, and nagging family members would drive me insane as I lose all hope for a dream vacation. Alas, I have all of the pitfalls of a 9 to 5 to relieve me from pulling out my hair from menial stuff or being cast aside and called typical if and when I miss one Sunday church service.
See, work isn’t a place that just works you hard and pays you in Monopoly money. It’s also a place that reminds you that you always have more than one aspect of your life that’s not in your control. Me personally, I’m thankful just to have a job at all. Holding up liquor stores is not “in” this season and jail doesn’t match my shoes.
I’m thankful for being able to make shrewd business deals and deal with even more shrewd businessmen.
It’s very true that I could come up with a lot of things to say about people who underestimate my ability to make a sound decision, spot a load of crap, or adapt to a shifty situation when the air is more than hot and thick, but I must also keep in mind that those people who miscalculate, misjudge or underrate me are the very people to show me that I have a lot to prove to myself in order to be the best at what I do and better than those who oppose me. And those same people are the very ones who afford me the chance to say “Na na na boo boo” as many times as opportunity allows.
And finally I’m thankful for family.
Because through it all – the good times and the bad – family has a way of keeping me grounded and letting me know that I’m not the only crazy mofo walking the streets and saying some weird sh*t. Family also reminds me that no matter what hand I’m dealt, I can always play the game and win, even when I’m bullsh*tting. And remember that dear old grandma I mentioned earlier who didn’t hesitate to pull the thinnest switch off the tree to whoop my ass whenever I got out of a child’s place? Well that same grandma is still around today, ready to sucker punch me w/ her antique boxing gloves when I say anything less than, “no ma’am,” or “yes ma’am.”
And although my wild ass family gets on my nerves just as much as they love and encourage me to be a better Hottywood, I wouldn’t trade them for all the boxes of Popeye’s chicken in the world. …well, maybe if the deal were really for all the boxes… Wait, no I wouldn’t. Damn. That’s a tough choice. Let me get back to you on that one.
Happy Thanksgiving to all you jive turkeys!
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