Lunchtime Confessions: Don’t F*ck w/ Man After He’s Eaten

Contrary to popular belief, anyone or anything that stumbles across a hungry man’s path 20 minutes before and up to 45 minutes after the high noon lunch hour better be well-clad in metal armor and armed with a can of air freshener because stepping into that kind of line of fire [while someone is hungry or full] is a sure way to get the sh*t beaten out of you. 

A long time ago, a caveman came up with this rule while he was sh*tting in the bushes moments after ingesting a baby dinosaur leg.  Sadly, the caveman was attacked by the mother dinosaur, which followed his scent back to his camp after she couldn’t find her young.  What the mother dinosaur didn’t know was that it is never wise to mess with a man after he’s eaten.  Because every man would prefer at least 30 minutes of self time for his food to digest and his gas to pass, f*cking with him before his stomach settles is one bad idea — even for a dinosaur.  The ass kicking of the mother dinosaur led to two things:

  1. The extinction of dinosaurs, and
  2. The rule that no one should mess with a man after his greedy ass has finished eating.

For this rule to have existed since the dawn of time, you would think that in this modern age, stupid ass office employees and nagging wives would’ve learned to keep their damn mouths closed during a very memorable pre and post experience of the stuffing of the face.  Alas, they have not. 

Work and home are two of the most common places where someone has received a horrible beat down because people have chosen to violate man’s only chance of peaceful, self-deserved alone-time.  So many of these violent acts caused man — and congress — to insist that the average man spend his post-eating quality time in a restroom facility, closed off from the rest of the unappreciative world.  There has not been, unfortunately, a time set aside for all the greedy bastards who have yet to embark on a pre-eating stage of hungrism.  Because of the lack of commitment in protecting our citizens from such a brutal warning of no measure, it’s just advised to keep your damn distance until you’ve heard a belch or smelled a fart for yourself. 

Many citizens of the great working world have all agreed that there are key phrases to let a person know when the window of opportunity is temporarily nailed shut for any approach of annoyance or plain old bullsh*t.  Such phrases are listed below:

  • F*ck off.
  • Get the f*ck out of here.
  • Go f*ck yourself.
  • I don’t care. 
  • Who gives a sh*t? 
  • If you value your life, then go away. 
  • Now’s not a good time and never isn’t looking so good. 

These are just a few warnings to let a person know when now’s not a good time. 

It doesn’t take that much exertion to avoid getting your face smashed.  Just keep your pestering ass away from all people whose stomachs growl louder than their raspy voices or whose butt stench smells like cheese and dill pickles.  Once you’ve mastered the art of knowing when to stay the hell away from people, you’ve mastered a very useful skill.  All it takes is a little effort.  And 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”

How to Spice Up an Office Staff Meeting

Are your office staff meetings a major snooze fest?  Of course they are, but they don’t have to be.  After all, what’s an office without a little humor – excluding the office jerk you love to gossip about and laugh at?  Although it’s true that no business will ever be successful without a few hundred meetings per day week, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun while hoping your ears suddenly fall off, as you listen to the agenda of items that have absolutely nothing to do with your particular work load.  Here are a few ideas to help spruce things up the next time your director calls an all-hands staff meeting.  Keep in mind that some of your colleagues may not have the same kind of warped humor as you do.  Most of your colleagues probably will have no sense of humor at all, which will make these ideas all the more enjoyable for you.  Nothing says funny like the look of shock and disgust on someone else’s face.  Humor, at the expense of others, is the best form of flattery!  

The proper way to start off any meeting and call attention to yourself is to compliment the supervisor.  It’s key to remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway.  You’re opinion and honesty will either be appreciated or reprimanded.  Either way, it will never be forgotten.  

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If the compliments turn out to be total duds, grab your neighbor by the chin and French kiss them passionately.  Try not to think of bothersome little things like bad breath or mono – that’ll just kill the mood.  Be aware that you may develop some sort of reputation once the interoffice romantic scene is over, however take comfort in knowing that you may not be employed long enough to care.  

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Be apart of the meeting.  Though sleeping is good, and snoring is better, people will appreciate your participation.  Suggest a few policy changes beginning with replacing the water in the water cooler with beer.  If you really want to make an impression, be intoxicated at the time of your presentation.  The more your reek of alcohol the better!  

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Some employers are against the discussion of salaries among their employees.  Something about confidentiality or some stupid sh*t along those lines, but what do they know?  You can talk about salary all you want, especially if you feel you’re overqualified and underpaid for the job you perform.

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It’s always a good idea to figure out ways to connect with your officemates a little more closely.  Any suggestion of more hands-on opportunities is always a big hit.  Don’t be afraid to speak up; don’t be afraid to be unconventional; and don’t be afraid of how others interpret your ideas.  Chances are they are thinking the same thoughts as you but are just too chicken sh*tted to verbalize them publicly.  

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It’s very possible that some of your ideas may be a bit too radical for some people’s taste.  If so, don’t fret.  There’s a high probability that you’ll be excused from the meeting, and in some cases escorted out of the building by security.  Don’t let that deter you from being a part of the team.  Just press your face against the window and listen in from the outside.  Your colleagues will be impressed with your determination once they get over being freaked out by your psychotic antics.  

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There’s one important rule that you must never ever forget.  “Nobody likes a quitter!”  Once you’ve been escorted out of the building by security and chased by a hoard of disgruntled employees, there’s always more than one way to get back to your desk, but you have to be cognizant that your coworkers may not be too pleased with your stealthy return.  All doors will be blocked with people waiting to crown you with a loaded stapler.  When in doubt, jump out of the nearest window, but not before letting out the most explosive and offensive fart your ass muster up!  Making such a dramatic exit will surely give the office something to talk about at the next staff meeting.  Don’t worry, they’ll miss you when you’re gone and will probably come to visit you at the funny farm.  

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If you stick to these guidelines, I guarantee you’ll never have to worry about another dull staff meeting again.  Some of the ideas may be a little far fetched, but what fun is life without a little spontaneity?  It doesn’t take much to be the life of the party – nothing more than a little bit of alcohol, Mary Jane and a small amount of effort, and 90% of any effort is getting started. 

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Quote of the week:   “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”