Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 15-21, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You stand for three things: truth, justice and candy corn.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All of your cantaloupe will end up on the right side of your fruit salad.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Go to your local grocery store and randomly shadow box in the produce section. See what happens.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Be sure not to do anything to attract the attention of baby lizards.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today may be the day, whether you like it or not, to speak on a concerning recurring and resentful issue of someone’s inability to match their socks with their belt.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You may have to give your seat up on the bus for a blind man and his seeing eye llama.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You have a reason to be about as jumpy as a mermaid at a fish fry.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

This week you will speak as if you are storing a mouthful of acorns.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can totally think of five nemeses more archier than your #1 arch nemesis, and one of them will be wrapped in a yellow boa.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

When the moon crosses paths with Jupiter, you will be to be more charming than you actually are. This will be a perfect time to meet a soul mate who has established a successful career as a parrot breeder.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Everything can be controlled except farts, and the amount of time it takes for a Domino’s pizza delivery…oh and Lindsay Lohan and the shrill of Aaron Neville’s voice.


Quote of the week:  “Only trust people who like big butts. They they cannot lie.”

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 18-24, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Every time you don’t say “thank you” for any act of random kindness that someone shows you, your tongue will burn as if you’ve ingested a thousand baby stick pins and your nails will crumble like old Masking tape.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You are generally tough to figure out because you answer every question with a question. Someone is likely to beat you up in a parking lot. There is no question about that.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The best way to get your point across today is to speak like a parrot.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Every one of your belches will make a cross-eyed gold fish die. This is your way of giving back to your community.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Do not chew up watermelons and spit the seeds at ducks. This will lower your vitamin levels.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware. You may be attacked by a lonely old office-hag whose renter’s insurance just lapsed.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a man tells you his real middle name, you are officially betrothed.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are sure to win a Nobel Prize if you can successfully photograph a midget leprechaun doing the Electric Slide on stilts in the middle of an Arizona desert at night while blindfolded and wearing a pinky ring.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way. Wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

You don’t lack in the power of speech. You lack in the power of conversation.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

“Always” and “never” are two words you should always remember never to say.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Staple a block of jelly to your nipples and see how that works out for you.


Quote of the week:  “Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 4-10, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Paper plates are your best china.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you refuse to let a pedestrian cross in the crosswalk, ten days after November 17th, your transmission will disintegrate, forcing you to catch the bus. Your legs will fall off during rush hour and no one will give up their seat for you on the metro.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are a quick thinker and fast on your feet, which makes you a perfect suspect for a liquor store robbery. Mistaken identity is inevitable. You have no idea what the word inevitable means.  You are also a part time moron that never travels without beer and a pocket protector.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will be sympathetic to someone else’s problems. You were one of those suckers born every minute.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It’s bad luck to talk about a skin rash before any forms of foreplay. It’s also kind of gross unless you’re into that kind of thing, which no mortal should be.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

This week you will eat the biggest piece of cake on the planet and there won’t be a drop of juice in the house to wash it down with.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Your local 24 hour convenience store will inconveniently close at 8PM tomorrow night.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are logical, practical and weird. Some would define you as boring. They would be right. You relish organization, except in your underwear drawer. Pray no one asks you about your underwear drawer. In fact, forget it even came up.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The mayor of Puppytown is a cat.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Peeing can teach you a thing or two about life. For example, once you put something into motion it is very hard to stop it. See the relation?


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are two things you’re good at; (1) showing up and (2) eating, which in your warped little mind is a good thing because you usually show up uninvited to parties empty handed.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a reckless tendency to rely on booze since you have no talent or enough confidence in people to hope they pretend to find you remotely entertaining, and your favorite colors are paisley and polka dots (yeah, neither is a color).


Quote of the week:  “Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.” -unknown

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 13-19, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You will almost find a psychic partner but they will leave you before you meet.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is some crap up with which you will not put.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher that can be bribed with lunch.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

Missing the toilet seat is your way of giving back to your community and the pissy people in it.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There is a strong chance you may be caught in a love triangle between two guys named Ben & Jerry.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Speaking in tongues has nothing to do with French kissing.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today’s stupidity will be the reason behind tomorrow’s tax fraud investigation.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

Rubbing your thighs together during a power outage could save your life.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

This week, talking to you will run neck and neck in purpose as ironing a shirt that was intentionally made to be wrinkled.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

If it is for you it will be blessed. If not, know the signs and purchase a giant sling shot. It may come in handy.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Things could be worse. You could have the job of a roll of toilet paper.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Accidentally pouring sour milk in a bowl of Lucky Charms negates the cereal’s name.


Quote of the week:  “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 6-12, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If in heaven we don’t meet, hand in hand we’ll bear the heat. And if it ever gets too hot, Pepsi Cola hits the spot.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Do the stuff that you used to do that you don’t do like you used to.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Something happened a couple of weeks ago. You think it was a Tuesday, but it was raining so you can’t recall.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

A nickel is bigger but a dime is worth more.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The only thing worse than guilt is fear of getting caught.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Life was so much simpler when there was only chocolate and vanilla ice cream.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Try as you may but the secret you keep is known to the one you hide it from the most.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

On Thursdays you use guns to describe philosophical concepts, approximately four minutes after you’ve looked up the correct spelling of “philosophical.”


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your kneecaps are hairier than anyone you know. This characteristic sets you apart from most.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

You have an ability to hold grudges over things that never happened.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The letters DM will get you in a lot of trouble.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are liable to pick small fights with children and moon people at weddings.


Quote of the week:  “Transparency increases the cost of hiding the truth. More efficient interactivity exposes truths that have to be inexpensive to hide.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 30-September 5, 2015

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Find out what your luck has in store for you this week.


Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never trust a woman that can’t wear flats.


Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Broken crayons still color the same.


Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A spam and gubment cheese sandwich will save the day next Tuesday if it doesn’t tomorrow.


Aries

March 21 – April 19

If someone calls you a scuzz-bucket, you should officially be offended if your middle name begins with the letter Q.


Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Some people treat their body as a temple. You however treat your body as an amusement park.


Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A container of spaghetti is going to spill inside whatever bag you carry to work.


Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There are three things that can make up for anything: a deep fried apology, jewelry and some ass.


Leo

July 23 – August 22

You are qualified for any job involving a cardboard hat.


Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s okay to have a relationship with yourself, but if you’re the only person you know, things can get a little weird…not to mention lonely. And no one will want to shake your hand.


Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your need to move slowly today has largely to do with you having to do number two.


Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

It’s never fun to stand on the receiving end of a rocket launcher.


Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will find that the only person willing to rally for one of your great ideas is not a person at all, but rather a goldfish.


Quote of the week:  “Kettle, meet pot.”