Sometimes a bunch of unexpected sh*t can hit the fan, and that’s when you need a little “just-add-water” pep talk.  Luckily for you, Hottywood Helps!  

Below are a list of quotes that I’ve found to be helpful to get through those situations that have been too sticky to slick my way out of.

• “Listen.  Adapt.  Grow.  Get the last laugh.  In that order.”
• “Don’t keep anyone guessing for too long – they’re sure to seek the answer some place else.”
• “Thank your parents for making it possible.  Thank your children for making it necessary.”
• “It’s not holding on that makes you strong; it’s letting go.”
• “After the game is over, the king and the pawn still go into the same box.”
• “Where secrecy reigns, carelessness hides.”
• “There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
• “Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.”
• “No one will have faith in you if you don’t have it within yourself.”
• “Every expert begins as an amateur.”
• ”Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”
• “Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.”
• ”Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you’re scared to death.”
• “The next time you’re in a public bathroom, cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.”
• ”You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you’re not “professional” any more.”
• “Keeping in mind that many people want many things – people in hell want ice water but you can bet that’s not gonna happen.”
• “Always forgive your enemies.  Nothing will annoy them more.”
• “Life’s disappointments are harder to take when you don’t know any curse words.”
• “Love is blind.  Friendship tries not to notice.”
• “Whenever there is a job that needs to be done, assign it to a lazy man.  He is sure to find an easy way of doing it.”
• “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
• “If your strength is small, don’t carry heavy burdens. If your words are worthless, don’t give advice.”
• “Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.”
• “Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”
• “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.”
• “Life can be summed up in three words: ‘It goes on.’”
• “Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.”
• “When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.”
• “Be thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of your nose.”
• “The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the one who hurt you the most, won’t hurt you again.”
• “Man does not live by soap alone.”
• “Pushing someone down a flight of stairs can be considered exercise for both parties.”
• “You may want what you want when you want it, but you can’t always get what you want when you want it unless you have a really big bazooka, some masking tape and a wad of gum.”
• “You can wait for the right one to come along, but until then, you might as well enjoy a good time with all the wrong ones.”
• ”Just because no one complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
• “Procrastination is suicide on an installment plan.”
• “Not all kool-aid stains are washed in the same detergent.”
• “There is nothing more sincere than the love of food.”
• ”A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”
• “The enemy of your enemy is your friend.”
• “Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”
• “The first step in getting the things you want out of life is to decide on what it is you want.”
• “You’re probably a bad cook if you use a smoke alarm as a timer.”
• “Save your pennies like you save your life or save your life like you save your pennies.”
• “Only a fool tests deep waters with both feet.”
• ”Blinking excessively is not sexy.  It’s weird.”
• ”You lead more flies than cicadas to a jar of pickles.”
• ”The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…”
• “Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you’re scared.”
•  “Santa Claus is on to something: visit people only once a year.”
• ”You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”
• “It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.”
• “The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.”
• ”The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
• “Don’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”
• “Everything is funny as long as it’s happening to somebody else.”
• “Get your ass out of the street if you can’t see where you’re going.”
• “There are good days and there are bad days; and this is one of them.”
• “Parents who are afraid to put their foot down usually have children who step on their toes.”
• “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
• “Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.”
• “All people in favor of birth control are already born.”
• “Haters only hate the things that they can’t get and the people they can’t be.”
• “You can lead a dog to a toilet, but you can’t teach him to sh*t there.”
• “If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.”
• “War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.”
• “If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.”
• “A wise does not try to warm himself in front of a painting of a fire.”
• “The comfort of the rich depends upon an abundant supply of the poor.”
• “Being stood up by someone you like is bad. Being stood up by someone you don’t like reduces your popularity social status by at least 47%.
• “If you ask the wrong dude in the wrong neighborhood on the right day, he’ll tell you trinkets are a small price to pay for ass.”
• “The believer is happy. The doubter is wise.”
• “A good judge of character is one who knows he’s just as full of shit as the person he’s judging.”
• “Not everyone’s heart is made of the same stone as yours.”
• “You never know what worst luck your bad luck has saved you from.”
• “Sometimes a hero is just the guy that serves the drinks.”
• “Never eat a tuna fish sandwich you find abandoned on a bus.”